I have two blogposts that I’ve started in the past two weeks that both still need to be completed, but I feel like I need to quickly document the happenings of today.

Sofija is changing schools.  We will have her IEP meeting in the morning and she will likely start her new school on Monday.

I visited the two potential new schools today and I’m just a big ball of emotions at the moment.  The first school is right behind my office and less than a mile from Kira’s high school.  Since I’m gonna have four kids in four different schools, the idea of keeping her in the neighborhood is highly appealing.  Not only is the school very near to us, but they have an autism program with thirty students spread between five or six classrooms and there are 2-4 adults in each room at all times.  I got warm fuzzies just walking in the building and to sweeten the deal, the psychologist who has been working with Sofija, is shared with that school.  This is a HUGE deal to me.  This wonderful woman would actually provide some continuity in her day if Sofija is placed there.

The second school is a HORRIBLE fit.  It is far enough away that if Sofija was assaulting a student, I could never make it there in time to offer any assistance.  In fact, it’s far enough away that I would rarely make it there at all because my other three are all in neighborhood schools and do not receive transportation.  It is designed for students with profound disabilities.  Almost every child I saw was non-ambulatory and I kept having visions of Sofija whacking one of them or pulling them out of their wheel chair, hopping in and saying, “Let’s go for a ride!” (She actually said to a gentleman two weeks ago, “Get up!  Sofija go ride.”)  The kicker came when the director tells me and the assistant principle from her current school (who kindly drove me around town) that the average cognitive level of her students is “9-18months, but we do have a few who range up to 24-36months”.  What???  All of Sofija’s assessments were done in English and still she falls somewhere above the 3yo range.  But…they do have an indoor pool.  Sofija would probably try to drown one of those non-ambulatory students, but she would be able to go “swooming”.

I had to write about all of this because decisions are being made as I type as to where she will attend.  Please pray for wisdom on the part of the administrators, for peace for me and the Tata, and for our baby girl to be comfortable and accepting of this big transition.

Thank you!

I found myself telling Seth tonight that he shouldn’t give halfhearted apologies.  In an instant, I became my Mother.  Which got me to thinking.  What on earth does halfhearted mean?

halfhearted – adj Exhibiting or feeling little interest, enthusiasm, or heart; uninspired

Which got me to thinking about what a wholehearted apology looks like.

wholehearted – adj. Exhibiting no reserve or reservation

wholeheartedly – adv. Marked by unconditional commitment, unstinting devotion, or unreserved enthusiasm

Half a year has passed since the day we signed a piece of paper that made Sofija legally ours.  In some ways it seems ridiculous that six whole months have passed, but in some ways it seems ridiculous that she’s only been our daughter for six months.  We love her wholeheartedly.  Without reservation, we are unconditionally committed, undeniably devoted, and unreservedly enthusiastic about being her parents.

If you’ve followed our entire adoption journey, you know that our Gotcha Day was not one we choose to commemorate.  However, I did take a moment today to stop and skim through my memories of April 27th in search of some humor..

It was refreshing to realize that there were several moments in the day that I can now laugh out loud over.  As we left the adoption ceremony in a mad dash to get her new birth certificate, passport and visa in two short hours, our lawyer flagged down two cabs on the side of a very busy thoroughfare.  In the middle of our effort to climb into the vehicles as quickly as possible, Sofija lifted her dress and squatted to pee on the curb.  She didn’t bother to pull down her tights or panties and she was close enough to the doorway of the taxi that the driver began screaming at her and shaking his hand in the air.  At the time, I was horrified.  Six months and several urine-scented outings later, it’s pretty funny.

The last leg of our mad dash was from the police station (where we applied for her passport) to the American embassy.  The walk was two short blocks, straight up a hill.  Sofija had decided at the police station that she was done walking.  I think I wrote about how many times she would do the rag-doll thing and just go limp as we walked down the street, holding her hand.  About half-way up the last block of hill that lead to the embassy, she dropped to the ground.  To be honest, we were all tired and I was wondering if it would be totally inappropriate for me to just drop to the ground and take a rest next to her.  I didn’t have long to wonder.  She had no intentions of just resting.  She started flailing all around.  In her attempt to kick every one of us as quickly as possible she began spinning around on her back in a form that closely resembled break-dancing.

The sidewalk we were on had about thirty-six inches of space between the building to our right and the busy street to our left.  The seven of us (our family and the lawyer) were taking up all of those thirty-six inches of sidewalk.  The dozens of pedestrians using the sidewalk at the same time of us were all a little bewildered by the scene we were creating.  Most of them stepped into the street in order to keep as much distance from our little break-dancer as possible.  One brave gentleman chose a different path.  Wearing a nice business suit and shiny leather shoes, he clenched his briefcase tightly in one hand and a folder tightly in the other as he attempted to step over Sofija.

Big mistake!  I think I tried to warn him, but I was screaming in English and I’m sure he just thought I was an obnoxious American.  One foot lifted off the ground and landed safely on the downhill side of her.  The other shiny shoe only made it half the distance.  We realized at that moment that our daughter has lightning fast reflexes.  She went from thrashing all around to holding his shoe in both of her hands and his ankle in between her teeth.  As I sit here typing I can’t stop laughing.  He shook her off!  It was like a picture of a postman with his arms full of mail and a little dog nipping at his ankle.  Except it wasn’t a little dog.  It was my child.

Oh, well.  We all survived the day (including the brave businessman) and right now the visual is pretty stinkin’ funny.

Phew….I’m still laughing wholeheartedly.

I can’t say this half-year has been all belly laughs.  In fact it hasn’t even been full of laughing halfheartedly.  But it has been full of the same kind of wholehearted love for all four of my children as I have for my God.

Deutoronomy 11:13-14 “If you carefully obey the commands I am giving you today and love the Lord your God and serve him WHOLEHEARTEDLY, then he will send rain on your land at the right time, in the fall and spring, and you will be able to gather your grain, new wine, and oil.”

I kinda like that promise.  And after the huge harvest we’ve seen in the past six months, I can’t wait to see what we’ll reap in this next wholehearted half-year.

Have you ever seen the movie Parenthood?  If not, I highly recommend it.  There’s a part near the end of the movie where the grandmother talks about the ride.    Some people like the tilt-a-whirl and all the rides that spin you around and around.  “Personally, I like the roller-coasters.”

The summer I turned eleven I discovered that I was tall enough to ride the BIG roller coasters.  My first big ride was on The Mindbender at Six Flags in Atlanta.  I rode it with my Dad and he lost his glasses in one of the loops.  I remember the anticipation before that very first loop.  I had no clue what it was going to feel like.  The anticipation of the unknown took my breath away.  And then ninety seconds later.  I climbed out of my seat disappointed at how quickly it all came to an end.

After a slow gradual climb that sometimes seems never-ending our family will arrive at a spot where we feel on top of the world.  The drops are quick and always have a few loops in them, but they just lead to another slow gradual climb back to the top.  Our life is a roller-coaster.

My dear hubby was out of town last week and I was having a hard time breathing when I tried to figure out how to get everything accomplished without him here.  On Tuesday morning Sofija had an appointment for a school physical.  Her behavior for the two days before her appointment had been nothing less than horrific.  She was throwing tantrums all day and nothing I did could console her.  The minute the doctor checked her ears, it all made sense.  Her left eardrum was full of pus to the point that it was about to rupture.  I had no clue she was even feeling bad. Parent of the year award goes to….. She began antibiotics that day and on Thursday I decided that she was okay to return to school.

Okay, to be honest, I NEEDED her to go to school.  Dear hubby had been in Arizona all week which just happens to be three hours behind.  I waited up on Sunday night to hear that he had arrived.  The call did not come until 2am and I had to be up at 6am to start the morning routine.  The next night I just couldn’t sleep and somewhere around 5am I just gave up and made a pot of coffee.  I stayed up Tuesday night talking to friends and on Wednesday planned to go to bed early before I crashed and burned.  Then dear hubby found a way to come home early.  Great news!  For less than ninety seconds I was on top of the world and then he asked me to pick him up at 12:05am.  Just to salt my sleepy wound….you guessed it, his flight was delayed.

After a combined total of twelve hours of sleep, covering the four nights that dh was away, I was sympathizing with my Dad and his lost glasses.  I couldn’t see straight after being thrown the loop of another almost sleepless night.  Sofija NEEDED to go to school.

With an anticipated three hours of time to focus on something other than parenting and a two-page to-do list, I got thrown another loop.  Forty-five minutes after she was dropped off the phone rang.  She had bitten her teacher.  We’re talking the kind of bite that could have earned her an invitation to join the Cullen clan.

Her Tata went to pick her up completely prepared to withdraw her.  We’ve discussed on several occasions that if she just could not handle school right now, we would withdraw her and try again in January or even wait until next fall.  The principal instantly said, “No.”  He insisted that they want her there and that they are willing to do whatever it takes to insure that she can learn.  The school had already contacted the county and asked for a behavioral therapist to start coming to the school to work with her.  They want her there.  They want her to learn.  They care about her.  Thank you again, God, for answered prayers.

Mrs. M is this wonderful amazing angel that God just dropped down in our path.  She is a resource teacher that just happens to be assigned to both of my little stimmers.  She spends her mornings with my baby girl and her afternoons with my baby boy.  She walked Seth to the van that afternoon and I had to hold back tears as I saw just how awful her arm looked.  My little vampire had not only bitten the crap out of her arm, when she was told that she had hurt Mrs. M, she grabbed the underside of her arm and dug her fingernails in.  That arm was black and blue and bloody.

As I sat there trying to deal with the guilt, the slow gradual climb of the day reached the top of the world.  She told me that the school social worker had applied for homebound studies for Sofija for the time being.  And then….she informs me that she offered to be the teacher who comes to our house to teach her.  She said that she could just bring all of the materials that she’s been using at school to our house in order to keep up some continuity. And…”I just love her and I can’t imagine not seeing her every day.”

You gotta be kiddin’ me.  My child assaulted you and you still want to see her every day?  Mrs. M, you may just be hearing the call to adopt.

Friday afternoon I met new clients at a house they planned to see.  As I pulled up, there were already two cars and four people in the driveway.  I had never met my clients face-to-face, so I couldn’t instantly identify them.  As I climbed out of my car, a woman came towards me saying, “Are you Kaci?  I just went up to that other woman and hugged her and said how nice it was to meet her and she’s from Yugoslavia or something.  They’re waiting for a realtor to show them the house.”  As we walked toward the house, I paused to introduce myself to the other people and it hit me.  “from Yugoslavia”  I interrupted her and asked, “Where are you from?”  Response, “Serbia (of course).  I’ve been here one month.”  Before we left, she gave me her card and her personal information and said, “I think I should help you with something and I’m here.”  Uh, yeah.  Don’t know what God’s putting together, but at that moment I was once again on top of the world.  I know it’s something GOOD!

That first big roller coaster ride for me was disappointing because of how quickly it was over.  Although in my young mind it seemed like I could see the entire state of Georgia from that first peak, we were up there so briefly that I barely had time to take in the view.

Today, I paused to take in the picture of my life at the moment.  It’s a joyful sight to behold.  I was driving the carpool line today and smiling about the fact that God has given me a team of people that care about my children and who are all working with me and dear hubby to help them reach their potential.  I smiled bigger when I thought of ANOTHER new Serbian friend who I feel certain is going to step alongside me in this purpose God is working out.  I smiled even bigger when I thought about how much I’m loved by my maker and how He never fails to provide.  And then….I watched an envelope being placed in Seth’s hand.  An envelope with his name written on it by another fourth grade boy.  A typical fourth grade boy.  A boy who wants Seth to come over on Sunday for his birthday party.  It is the very first birthday party invitation he has ever received from a “friend”.  By the time we got home I was crying like a baby.  Another answered prayer….Seth has a friend and he’s been invited to a birthday party.  Four hours later, the smile was still painted on my face as  the phone rang.  Thinking that the view couldn’t get any better, I answered it, listened, and choked back more tears as another of his classmates’ mothers asked for my email so she could invite Seth to come over for a lazer-tag party.  Yep.  That’s right folks.  His very 1st and then his 2nd invites, in the same day.

I could write all night about the things that have been broken around the house in the past week or the fact that we are missing at least a dozen important items and we can’t locate her new nest.  I could cry about the fact that my allergies have kept me feeling bad for nearly a month and that I really need an extra twelve hours in each day or live-in help to pay the bills, do the laundry, buy the groceries, and keep up with all of our appointments and meetings.  I could focus on the fact that for the past two weeks I haven’t been able to get any of Sofija’s doctors or nurses or even her case manager to return my phone calls or emails.

Deutoronomy 33:25 “….and your strength will equal your days.”

I can’t focus on those things.  God has given me every ounce of strength necessary to get through the hard stuff.  He’s answered some pretty important prayers and then given me more than I even thought to ask for.  I don’t have to climb out of my seat and get off of this ride.  So for the time I get to pause here, I’m taking in the beautiful view.

I have this big thick pink parallel Bible that my dear husband bought me for my thirty-eighth birthday.  It places the NIV translation and The Message translation side-by-side.  My dear husband is not a fan of the The Message and I keep trying to explain to him that it’s written for people like me.  Hard-headed people who sometimes just need a good SLAP in the face on occasion.  It may not be the most literal translation of the Bible, but it certainly gets the point across loud and clear.

I opened up my big pink Bible today in search of an appropriate verse to emphasize something and landed in Ephesians.  After reading through chapter 5 several times, I realized that it pretty much wrapped up my 8-step plan.  I may still go back and expand on the points as God teaches me how imperfect I am.  But for now, I’m gonna let The Message speak for me.  For those of you following the plan, enjoy living out steps 4-8.  (and remember that I’ll be struggling through them right along with you).

Ephesians 5: 1-20 (The Message)

^1-2Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents (I’m quite certain that He’s a better role model than me). Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. LOVE LIKE THAT!

^3-4Don’t allow love to turn into lust, setting off a downhill slide into sexual promiscuity, filthy practices, or bullying greed. Though some tongues just love the taste of gossip, those who follow Jesus have better uses for language than that. Don’t talk dirty or silly. That kind of talk doesn’t fit our style. Thanksgiving is our dialect. – (1 Thessalonians 5:18 “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”)

⁵You can be sure that using people or religion or things just for what you can get out of them—the usual variations on idolatry—will get you nowhere, and certainly nowhere near the kingdom of Christ, the kingdom of God. – mmm-hmph!

^6-7Don’t let yourselves get taken in by religious smooth talk. God gets furious with people who are full of religious sales talk but want nothing to do with him. Don’t even hang around people like that. –

^8-10You groped your way through that murk once, but no longer. You’re out in the open now. The bright light of Christ makes your way plain. So no more stumbling around. Get on with it! The good, the right, the true—these are the actions appropriate for daylight hours. Figure out what will please Christ, and then do it. – James 4:17 “To know the good you ought to do and to not do it, is a sin.”

^11-16Don’t waste your time on useless work, mere busywork, the barren pursuits of darkness. Expose these things for the sham they are. It’s a scandal when people waste their lives on things they must do in the darkness where no one will see. Rip the cover off those frauds and see how attractive they look in the light of Christ. – Acts 20:24 “The most important thing is that I complete my mission, the work that the Lord Jesus gave me- to tell people the Good News about God’s grace.”

Wake up from your sleep,
Climb out of your coffins;
Christ will show you the light!
So watch your step. Use your head. Make the most of every chance you get. These are desperate times!

¹⁷Don’t live carelessly, unthinkingly. Make sure you understand what the Master wants. – This one’s easy.  He just wants us to walk with Him and live a fruitful life. John 15:4 “Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can’t bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can’t bear fruit unless you are joined with me.”

^18-20Don’t drink too much wine. (Don’t know about you, but I’m thankful that it says, “too much” instead of “any”.) That cheapens your life. Drink the Spirit of God, huge draughts of him. Sing hymns instead of drinking songs! Sing songs from your heart to Christ. Sing praises over everything, any excuse for a song to God the Father in the name of our Master, Jesus Christ.

That’s all.

If this post rambles or doesn’t make much sense, I apologize.  I’m functioning on NO sleep.  Two nights ago I stayed up with a friend until 3am.  Not the most responsible choice, but the conversation was good.  Yesterday I woke up at 6am with a sleep-deprived hangover and a big dark cloud following me around with a reminder that last night would also bring no rest.

The rules were, that Sofija could not have more than four hours of sleep.  Chad and I came up with a plan.  He would stay up with her until 2am, I would go to bed as early as possible (which ended up being midnight).  I would wake her at 6 and take her with me to drop the big kids off at school and then head into DC for her EEG at Walter Reed.  The EEG was scheduled for 9am.

Glitch 1: Tropical Storm Nichole “fell apart” and decided to cop a squat on top of us for a while.  Chad grew up in Colorado and I grew up in south Louisiana.  Driving in snow and rain are just the norm for us.  Not so much for the greater DC population.  A tropical storm comes to town and people forget how to brake and accelerate.  The end result of this mass inability is a list of accidents on the local traffic report  about as long as the health care bill.

Glitch 2: A fifteen year old girl wearing an outfit that her mom did not approve of.  By the time she had on something I approved of, she had missed her bus.  The end result of that calamity was a mad dash around the neighborhood in an attempt to catch up with her bus.  Three stops past where she should have caught it….Success!

Glitch 3: A thirteen year old sick boy.  Mama doctored him up and sent him back to bed.

Glitch 4: As a result of the endless list of traffic problems, we arrived at 9:30am.  Just in case you didn’t catch it earlier, that’s half an hour after her scheduled appointment.  Quick stop at pediatric neurology on the 1st floor.  Rush to the neurology lab on the 6th floor.  All accompanied by cries of , “Let’s go to bed!”, “Edemo spava!”, “Take a nap!”, “Sleep pleeeease!”.  While the staff discussed whether or not to show us some grace, I took baby girl to the bathroom and a had a wonderful encounter between a stainless steel shelf and my forehead that literally brought me to my knees.  Grace was given to me, Sofija and the brain sprouting at my hairline.  Just as we were being led into the EEG room, an alarm sounded.  Evidently a girl was brought into the ER actively seizing.  We were asked to wait while the team went down to monitor her.  AT 1PM, somebody had a great idea to call the naval hospital at Bethesda and see if they would be able to squeeze us in.  The three hours in between were absolute torture for my poor baby girl who just wanted to sleep. It took an hour of phone calls to make it happen, but we left Walter Reed with a plan to be taken back as soon as we could get there.

Glitches ended.  We arrived.  They took us back.  Sofija cooperated as they put glue all over her head.  She then laid down, opened and closed her eyes when asked and fell asleep just as planned.  If she had not fallen asleep,we were scheduled to return to Walter Reed where we would have been admitted to the sleep lab and had to remain for the entire night.  The EEG tech did not speak great English and he kept asking me to translate for him.  Just for the record, I do not speak any dialect of Kenyan and I’m pretty sure that my daughter understood about as much of his English as she does of mine.  Communication issues aside, he got all of the information that he needed from her test.  His only question for me was, “Why isn’t she on medication for her seizures?”  My reply, “Ummmm, I think that’s why we’re here today?.?.”

The princess is now sleeping soundly in her bed.  The Mama will soon be sleeping soundly in hers as well.  My hope is that we will have clear answers by Monday and in the meantime that we’ll get plenty of rest.

I can’t go to bed without mentioning that on this day in 1947, my mother came into this world.  I would give just about anything to be able to pick up a phone right now and wish her a Happy Birthday.  I’d love to be able to tell her about my day and have her tell me that no matter how weary I am, God never grows weary and that He’s give me the strength to get through this part of parenting.  I would love to have the chance to thank her for pounding the idea into me that families aren’t always made of blood and that every human being, no matter what their abilities or lack of abilities, has worth.

Isaiah 40:28-29

“…He won’t become worn out or get tired.
No one will ever know how great his understanding is.
He gives strength to those who are tired.
He gives power to those who are weak.”

I don’t care when your Mom’s birthday is.  If she’s still there to pick up the phone, you should call her just because you can.

There was a family adopting their son from Serbia on about the same time-line as ours.  They had more favor with USCIS and ended up bringing their son home a month before we were able to bring Sofija home.  The Mom blogged about their journey and she titled her blog “Throwing Starfish”  The poem Throwing Starfish has always been a hard pill for me to swallow.  I want to do it all!  Accepting that I, personally, do not have the power to mother every orphan in the world is somewhat heart-wrenching.

However, I usually get to the end of my days and wish I had just a few more minutes or hours to spend with the husband and children God has given me.

Today I stumbled across this video.  It’s Matthew West telling the story behind his new song One Less.

Once again….grab a box of tissue.

http://vimeo.com/15064039

ac-cept-ance

–noun

1. the act of taking or receiving something offered.

3. the act of assenting or believing.

What we’ve learned about Sofija in the past couple of weeks deserves to be documented.  I’ve hesitated because I have not wanted to step into acceptance.  I think I’m there now.

From the moment we knew we were called to be her parents, we knew there would be challenges.  We knew what it meant to live with a child who falls on the autism spectrum.  We talked to people who’ve lived with and overcome attachment disorders and the host of other issues that are attached to children coming from Eastern European institutional settings.  The day we met her was the same day we learned of her birth mother’s mental illness.  We educated ourselves and felt as prepared as possible to tackle that one too.  We studied the spiritual side of her background and began reclaiming her spiritual heritage.

Then came last week.  Monday September the 12th, to be exact.

In July our daughter was sedated and underwent an MRI and EEG.  She was sedated with an anti-seizure medication.  Last Monday we were finally able to sit down with a pediatric neurologist and go over the results of those tests.

Her brain is not normal.  Inside her right temporal lobe, the hippocampus and temporal horn are incorrectly proportioned.  Her EEG showed frequent abnormal brain waves in that same area.

All the love, affection, attention and security in the world cannot fix that.

But you know what?  God can.  Faith can.  Prayer can.

This is the acceptance that I’ve had to step into.  In April of last year I saw lymph nodes in my neck that appeared to be cancerous.  In June they were gone.  That’s what faith can do!

This Thursday I will spend my day (and possibly night) at Walter Reed as Sofija undergoes another EEG.  I will spend the day in prayer and fasting and claiming wholeness and healing for my daughter.

John 14:14 “Ask anything in my name and I WILL DO IT.”

That’s a promise that I choose to accept!

Continue reading “harsh reality” →

One year ago today I opened an email that contained a link that changed my world.  I woke up on September17th without any plans to adopt and with a to-do list that was a mile long.  Halfway through my day I became aware that Ana Sofija Calvaresi existed.  My to-do list became unimportant.

Isaiah 43:5 “Do not be afraid, for I am with you.  I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west.”

I didn’t understand the how or why or what, but I could not escape the call.  My child was on the other side of the world and it was urgent for me to go get her.  I had no fear.  God was with me.  He provided everything we needed.  He “gathered” us.  And He brought her home from the east.

Lots of adoptive families celebrate “gotcha” days.  The day that their child legally became a part of their family.  Sofija’s gotcha day was a day that we would actually rather forget.  We love her dearly and we’ve come to enjoy the majority of her behavior.  There was nothing enjoyable about her behavior on that day.

Instead of celebrating her gotcha day, I think we will celebrate this day.  I think I’ll call it our “Awakening Day.”

awakening

noun:  a recognition, realization, or coming into awareness of something

Ironically, we are packing up right now to spend the weekend at Awakening Fest.

John 14:18 “I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you.”

Thank you God for upheld promises, for awakenings, and for my child.