Unjust

On By kacinpoint1 Comment

un·just

/ˌənˈjəst/

adjective

  1. not based on or behaving according to what is morally right and fair.
  2. Wrongful, unmerited, undeserved, unwarranted
  3. Dishonest, unethical, unprincipled, immoral

Holy Week 2007, while undergoing testing that would lead to being diagnosed with cancer, I heard a sermon on Good Friday that forever changed the days leading up to the Resurrection for me. Then came Lenten Season 2026…

The entire world entered the Lenten season this year after two weeks of trying to digest the things we were reading in the January 30th Epstein files release. All of the conspiracies that got many of us labeled “delusional” in the last decade, are now known facts. What were once called, “conspiracy theories”, are now proven facts. Monsters are real. The fact that they not only continue to walk free, but hold power in all facets of society – Unjust.

On the first Holy Thursday, after the Last Supper, Jesus and the apostles went to the garden of Gethsemane (Luke 22:39-46). It was there that Judas arranged to have Him arrested (Luke 22:47-48). In a moment filled with tension and despair, Jesus experienced profound anguish as He prayed, knowing the trials that lay ahead. As the weight of humanity’s sins pressed down on Him, He sought solace from His disciples, yet found them unable to stay awake and support Him during such a pivotal time. Jesus began Good Friday having spent the night in prison and being mistreated by guards after being betrayed and abandoned by those closest to him (Mark 14:34). The betrayal by Judas not only marked a tragic turning point in the events leading to the crucifixion but also highlighted the stark contrast between loyalty and treachery among His followers. In the early hours of Good Friday, Pontius Pilate (the Roman Governor of Judea) and Herod (the client King of Galilee), each seeking to evade responsibility, sent Jesus back and forth to one another; the final decision on Jesus’ execution rested with Pilate. Pilate and Herod were political enemies who bonded over their collaboration to condemn Jesus. Joseph Caiaphas was the Jewish High Priest. He was a Sadduccee (the wealthy aristocracy), appointed to the political position of High Priest by the Roman Government, worked closely with Pilate, and oversaw the Sanhedrin (A council of 70 or 71 elders, scribes, and priests that functioned as the highest Jewish court). The Sanhedrin didn’t have the legal authority to condemn someone to death. They needed Pilate to do so, and thus they manipulated the political tensions of the time to ensure that the Roman governor would be compelled to pronounce the death sentence, fulfilling the prophecy while also reflecting the depth of human injustice.

1. Pilate knew Jesus was innocent.

“I find no fault in this man.” — Luke 23:4

He repeats this three times (Luke 23:4, 14, 22).

2. Pilate’s wife warned him.

“Have nothing to do with that righteous man, for I have suffered much because of him in a dream today.” — Matthew 27:19

That would’ve rattled any man.

3. Pilate actively tried to release Him.

“Pilate sought to release Him…” — John 19:12

That’s as blunt as it gets. He wanted to let Jesus go.

4. He offered the crowd a way out (Barabbas).

He picked the worst criminal available thinking the people would obviously choose Jesus. They didn’t.

5. He tried to satisfy the crowd with a beating instead of execution.

“So then Pilate took Jesus and had Him flogged.” — John 19:1 This was a political move—he hoped the crowd would be satisfied and he could release Him.

6. He ultimately feared the crowd and Rome more than doing what was right.

The Jewish leaders said:

“If you release this man, you are no friend of Caesar.” — John 19:12 That was a political threat. Pilate folded.

7. He washed his hands to show he didn’t want His blood.

“I am innocent of this man’s blood.” — Matthew 27:24

That’s the move of a man who wants out but has no backbone left.

Ten days into 2026 Lent, we went to war with Iran. I want this to be an essay and not a novel, so I won’t delve into all the reasons this war is unjust. But it’s unjust. And before anyone jumps into my comments stating all the reasons Iran needs a regime change, I don’t want to hear it. War destroyed my family. War turned what had been a home filled with joy and peace into a breeding ground for trauma. Unless you can justify the amount of death and destruction American military families have dealt with fighting foreign wars, please keep your opinions to yourself. I’m not Pilate. You will not change my mind.

The first time my ex-husband disappeared and turned his phone off was 12 years ago. After he retired from the military and we moved to Florida in 2016, it became a regular occurrence. Somewhere in those years I began a practice of saying, “Thank you God, for shining light in the dark” before my feet hit the floor each morning. Some days it’s followed up with things like, “Expose it ALL!”, “Expose THEM all!”, or “Hold me if what’s hidden is going to hurt!”, but the intent of my little morning prayer is always the same… Let there be light!

Almost every Lenten season in the last fifteen years, there has been a repentance and forgiveness box in my house that gets burned between Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday. This year, right next to it is my little sign that says, “God Keeps His Promises”. He does, but with the state of the world I need to be reminded daily.

Everything in our reality is currently chaotic. AI has made it impossible to know what is true and what is generated. Algorithms feed everyone a confirmation bias that divide us with every glance at a screen. The sun has been throwing a tantrum for the last year and the radiation it keeps shooting at the planet is causing earthquakes an dormant volcanoes to wake up with a vengeance. Our magnetic poles can’t decide where they’re supposed to be. Comets and meteors keep showing up in our galaxy and getting a little too close for comfort. There are things showing up in the skies around the world that shouldn’t be there. Documents on all the ways our government has experimented on and manipulated our nation have been declassified. And then there are wars, and rumors of wars… In the 30 days between the Israel/US attack on Iran, and 2026 Palm Sunday, the amount of light that’s shone in the darkness has been hard to keep up with or process. We have access to more information than any human could digest in a lifetime and all of it makes your head spin trying to figure out who is fighting on the side of good and who is fighting on the side of evil. Everywhere I go, I see people who are struggling to wrap their heads around it all. My heart aches for each and every person who is just now seeing the crazy matrix we live in. The only consolation is that there is a reliable source of comfort in the chaos. That source of comfort is this -All that is being revealed is indisputable evidence that God does indeed keep his promises. He said that nothing would be hidden and that He would expose EVERYTHING. (Luke 8:17, Mark 4:22) (Luke 12:2-4) (Job 12:22, Daniel 2:22) (John 1:5) (1 Corinthians 4:5) (Ephesians 5:11-14)

The barrage of light shining in the darkness has led to one extraordinary Holy Week. Most conversations I’ve had this week have been filled with stories of breakthrough, healing, both painful and encouraging revelations, deep loss, and monumental gain. Friends, family, world events, neighborhood chatter – nothing about this week has been ordinary. In our house, Holy Week started a day early. On March 28th, my baby girl (who’d been happy all day) burst into tears and said that she was “so sad” and that she “wouldn’t see Gumbo the dog anymore because he died”. I texted my son who was at his Dad’s with Gumbo and asked if Gumbo was okay. He looked for Gumbo and found that he’d drowned in the pool. Gumbo would’ve been 18 on June 1st and he’s been with us since he was 5 weeks old. He was dearly loved! It broke my heart that my son had to find him and I didn’t want him to be alone all weekend, so Sof and I got ready to make the 45min drive to be with him. My ex sent several messages stating that I was not allowed at his house unless he was home. When I asked our oldest son if he would go be with his brother, I learned that my ex had portrayed himself as a victim to our oldest kiddos after his wages were garnished several months ago because he was many thousands of dollars in arrears on support. I never said anything to any of them. Their parents’ finances and court orders are not things I ever wanted my kids to even think about. But this is the cost of war. It’s unjust! I drop more post-its in the forgiveness and repentance box and glance at my little sign. Comfort. God keeps his promises.

Sweet Gumbo

Palm Sunday was spent with Dr. Steven Greer. That’s an essay in itself. Monday through Thursday were filled with long-awaited business opportunities (I’ve been un/self-employed for six months), extraordinary moments and sunsets with people I love dearly, and clarity on my next steps. Extraordinary. Holy.

And then came Good Friday. This the day we reflect on Jesus’ crucifixion. It’s also the day my baby girl turned 21. TWENTY-ONE!! Unless she lives to be 100, there are only two times in her life that her birthday will fall on Good Friday. What a year to have a birthday on the day that gives every promise of hope, healing, restoration, grace, redemption, and resurrection! This is only the third week she’s been able to spend with her dad this year. He sent a message saying that I could come over while he was out for a couple of hours, but after the directives a few days ago to not be at his house when he’s not there, it felt like a trap. Our daughter was threatened with trespassing charges a couple months ago, so yeah… We’ll wait and have a Resurrection/21st birthday party on Sunday. Considering that Jesus’ crucifixion is estimated to have taken place on April 3rd, it actually seems quite fitting and just to celebrate her April 3rd birthday on the third day.

This week of high-highs, low-lows, mind-boggling global events, and hundreds of post-its dropped in my forgiveness box, has led me to study and think deeply about the very first Holy Week. In the hours leading up to the Crucifixion, Jesus’ experienced more betrayal, abuse, vulnerability, doubt, and pain than most of us can imagine experiencing in a lifetime. It was all necessary, but it was so damn brutal and it was extraordinarily unjust.

One of the first verses I ever memorized was John 3:16 – For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23

“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23

“but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

“if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Romans 10:9

With all that has been hidden coming into the light, there is so much to break down and analyze about every single detail of history that has led the human race to this place and time. There is still so much that’s unknown and every truth revealed leads to a dozen more questions about what hasn’t. I don’t know about you, but right now I hunger for absolute truths and some-semblance of certainty more than any other time in my life. No matter what I learn, what makes sense in this world, or what doesnt, God has proven to me that He is true to His Word. I was miraculously healed from the cancer I was diagnosed with in 2007. All of my needs have always been met. He’s given me peace that surpasses all understanding, made a way in the wilderness, shown me my path, parted seas, closed and opened doors to protect me from myself, exposed SO much that was hidden, and proven time and time again that His justice surpasses man’s. Those verses above are not just filler. They are the closest thing I’ve found to absolute truth and certainty. Historical and archeological evidence have proven that Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection, fulfilled over 300 prophecies and an estimated 150 Biblical prophecies have been fulfilled in just the last few years. What has been proven historically, and the things He’s done for me personally, are the truth and certainty that satisfy my hunger.

The hope to get through the extraordinarily brutal and chaotic time we’re living in is really as simple as the path laid out in the verses above.

Do your own research into historical prophecies and fulfillment. Reflect on what you are grateful for and what is true. Once you believe, say it to someone. Those are really the only requirements, but if you want all the good stuff that comes with believing, the gifts do have some strings attached.

Galatians 5:1 Christ set us free so that we could enjoy freedom! So stand firm, and don’t get tied down again by the chains of slavery.

Repentance equals freedom and it literally means, “To turn away from”. Repent. Truly repent. Find a quiet place where you can be alone with God and lay it all out to Him. Write it down and then burn it or shred it if you need to. Make your own box to burn if you need to. Accept that God’s grace covers your messes and let it go. Fake repentace will never lead you to the freedom that was promised you. True repentance leads to freedom.

Forgive. Repentance and forgiveness go hand in hand. Yes, I know forgiveness is HARD. I’ve dropped hundreds of post-its into my forgiveness and repentance box in the last few weeks that all start with, “I forgive him for…”. It seems like every time I feel like I’ve finally forgiven and let go of one painful thing, there’s something new to lay down. So I start forgiving again. Side bar about forgiveness – one of my hardest life lessons has been accepting that no matter how many times in life I take responsibility for my crap and apologize to people, I may never get an apology from the people who’ve hurt me. Yes, the absence of remorse and apologies is unjust. I choose to forgive them anyway. Forgiveness sets me free. I give grace because I need grace. We all do. Vengeance is God’s. Let Him take care of them. He was gracious enough to allow His Son to take on the weight of the world so that we don’t have to carry all the things that others do to us. Lay it down. Forgive them.

Jesus’ Crucifixion involved severe torture, including a brutal scourging, being nailed through the wrists and feet to a wooden cross, and being forced to carry the weight of that cross on his back to the site where He knew He would be murdered. He hung there naked, bleeding, in agony, being ridiculed and scoffed at. He was crucified between two thieves, endured mockings, suffered asphyxiation after his lungs were pierced. As he hung there watching bystanders bidding on his clothes that had been torn off, he said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34) One of the thieves hanging next to Him confessed that he was a criminal that deserved to die. He then said that Jesus was an innocent man an asked to be remembered in Jesus’ kingdom. Jesus’ reply was breathtakingly beautiful – “Truly I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.” (Luke 23:40-43) In the last hour of His life, Jesus cried out to God from the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken (abandoned) me in my time of need?” (Matthew 27:46) died after roughly six hours on what is calculated to have been Friday, April 3, 33 AD. Jesus was beaten, tortured, mocked, exposed, demoralized, insulted, abused, and felt abandoned. He showed us with the thief hanging next to Him that it’s never too late to believe. The thief had no time left to change his life. He gave him grace anyway. He forgave his murderers who continued to torment him until the very end. He asked God to forgive the crowd as they cheered for his death. He felt abandoned, but until His last breath still acknowledged God as His Father. He showed us that there is no wrong too big to be forgiven, and that repentance and belief in Him are ours for the taking until our last breath. He modeled that our identity as children of God is absolute, no matter how beaten down, exposed, or tattered our souls are. His last words were, “Father, into your hands I entrust my spirit.” (Luke 23:46) He did it all so that we don’t have to carry the weight of all the ugliness of this world on our shoulders. How beautifully unjust!

Sunday’s coming.

e pluribus unum II

On By kacinpointLeave a comment

In 1776, as our Founding Fathers were drafting our Constitution, they decided that our National motto would be “E Pluribus Unum”. Out of many, one.

When I came home from school in 7th grade after having a screaming disagreement with a friend, I was sorely disappointed by my Mom’s response. I wanted her to call my friend’s mom and do something to fix the squabble. Instead, she spoke these profound words, “If two people agree on everything, one of them is not necessary.” I would hear this phrase many more times before adulthood. It was often followed up by things like, “You should try listening to them. You might learn something.”, “Help me understand why you believe that.”, and “Nobody hears you when you’re screaming.”

This week we witnessed the assassination of a 31 year old husband and father. Charlie was not killed for the things he said. He was hated and killed for his impact. I did not agree with many things Charlie said. I did not agree with some of the company he kept. I did not have to agree with him to have a very clear grasp of what he’s done for our nation.

For 13 years Charlie has done two things that nobody else has done. He provided a safe space for young people who identify as Christian and conservative. I have a child that is Charlie’s age. Her high-school was a hostile environment for anyone with Christian conservative values and her college campus silenced those values. My daughter is a young woman whose bloodline includes Mayflower passengers, a US President, American Indians, Ellis Island immigrants, and generations of military who’ve defended her right to think and speak freely in every war in our nation’s history. All the bravery in her bloodline did nothing to protect her against the environment in the American education system that has enforced the belief that everyone must agree on everything and that anyone who disagrees with you is a threat. Charlie’s legacy is his refusal to accept that ideology, and his efforts to teach a generation how to disagree.

Along with providing a safe space for youth to identify as Christians and conservatives, Charlie taught his 93 MILLION followers how to engage in civil discourse. He didn’t seek out conversations with people who agreed with him. With huge audiences watching, he engaged in civil conversation with people who did not agree with him. He did so without yelling, without insulting, without violence or aggression, and with a willingness to listen and be questioned. He looked people in the eye and showed everyone watching how to engage people you don’t agree with and treat them as fellow human beings.

“Civil discourse is the act of engaging with others on important public matters in a way that expands knowledge and promotes mutual understanding, rather than just politeness. It involves listening respectfully to different viewpoints, seeking common ground, and fostering civic trust and a healthy social fabric.”

Technology has done it’s damndest to destroy civil discourse. Charlie did his best to restore it.

A common post I’ve see this week is that we’ve lost our humanity. I do not disagree with that statement. The human race now includes three generations that do not go home after a school spat and seek wisdom from their elders. Three generations that have no clue how to look someone in the eye, control their emotions, listen to those they disagree with without feeling threatened, or see that every human being they encounter is a thread in the fabric of our species.

An opposing viewpoint should make us curious. An opposing perspective should invoke wonder and inspire learning. If an opposing view invokes fear or anger, your amygdala has taken over your thought processes. Your frontal lobe (where rational thought takes place) has shut down. “Nobody hears you when you’re screaming” and you don’t hear anyone else when your frontal lobe is shut down. Feelings lie and feelings are easily manipulated. See: Jeremiah 17:9 and Proverbs 28:26

If you’re a Christian, Paul gave clear instructions to the Church at Ephesus that we should all heed. Ephesians 4:12-16 12 Their responsibility is to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ. 13 This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ. 14 Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. 15 Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. 16 He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love. – Out of many, one.

If you want to grow and be more like Christ, you have to follow his example. Get out of your house and civilly engage people. Speak truth IN LOVE. Love your neighbor as yourself. Forgive. Do not fear (control your emotions). Meet people where they are and look into their faces. Ask questions. Respectfully listen. Bless others in their coming and their going. Pray.

We are ONE body of Christ.

We are ONE nation, under God.

We are ONE human race.

If two people agree on everything, one of them is not necessary.

e pluribus unum

My Emancipation

On By kacinpoint6 Comments

emancipate [ ih-man-suh-peyt ]

verb (used with object),e·man·ci·pat·ed,e·man·ci·pat·ing.

  1. to free from restraint, influence, or the like.
  2. to free (a person) from bondage or slavery.

A dear friend has referred to the last few years as “The Emancipation of Kaci”. He was there when I sold my vehicle because I was ordered to do so in the divorce decree. I went two months with no vehicle. Not because I couldn’t afford one, but because I had no clue what I wanted. The last vehicle I’d purchased without a husband’s input was a Nissan Sentra when I was twenty. Purchasing a car on my own scared the hell out of me!

Thirty years ago today, that train-wreck twenty-two year old girl walked down an aisle and said, “I do” to a twenty-two year old boy who was just as broken and who could relate to most of the childhood trauma she drug down the aisle behind her.

For many years I was the woman who offered to babysit so that others could attend weddings. My justification in skipping weddings was that it made me sad that most people put more effort into planning a day and a ceremony than they do into the relationship that they are supposed to make last a lifetime. In all the years of skipping weddings, I arrogantly thought that we were the exception. We had a simple ceremony and we were both committed to growing old together. This morning a picture we “aged” with an app several years ago popped up in my memories.

While I refuse to believe that I’ll EVER look like the old lady in the picture, the memory popping up brought with it a wave of grief. Later in the day I dropped Sofija at his house. Another wave of grief… On our 25th anniversary trip we began planning a 30th anniversary trip. A trip that wasn’t in our cards. Word of wisdom – if you’re miserable at home, planning your next anniversary trip doesn’t fix anything.

When I’m invited to weddings these days, I don’t offer to babysit. I do ask questions about what brought them together and how much of their crap has been dealt with. A fact of life that is inescapable; we all arrive at adulthood with wounds and baggage. We’re all at least a little broken. How much effort is put into a wedding ceremony is really irrelevant. What matters is… How whole are the two people pledging their lives to one another?

Ecclesiastes 4:12 NLT A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

Notice that verse doesn’t say, “a triple-braid with a steel strand and two bare threads”.

Our bare threads broke. My emancipation began. The thing about getting married at the ripe old age of twenty-two is that you have no fricking clue who you are. For nearly twenty-eight years I was defined by marriage, motherhood, military life, and all the things attached to those roles. And so, I found myself two years ago without a vehicle. My emancipation hasn’t been a bed of roses, but it’s been fun and surprising. I have a car I love and my next one picked out. I have a home that I love and I’ve furnished it with things I really like. I’ve embraced and enjoyed who I am professionally. I’ve learned that there’s still at least one great fish in the sea. I know who my people are and they are PRICELESS! I know who I am today and my hope is that every day I continue to become a better version of her.

The grief that visited today was for the old couple in that picture. I once dreamed of a future that will never be. Broken dreams are things to be grieved. When I felt the grief welling up in my eyes this morning I took some time to feel it, and then I gave thanks. I’m grateful for our marriage. The good, the bad, and the (sometimes really) ugly all served a purpose. Our marriage produced four pretty decent humans. I’ve had three decades of learning what love is and what it isn’t, what marriage can be and shouldn’t be, what I will tolerate and what I will not, how gracious I can be and how vicious I can be, what I desire in a partner and what I have to offer, and lots of time to grow and heal from the junk I brought into my marriage and the trauma inflicted by it. I can only hope that these last thirty years have been as meaningful for Chad.

Galatians 5:1 It is for freedom that we have been set free…

Living free, with only a few regrets…

Cheers to the kids who said, “I do.” thirty years ago

and to the free man and woman we are today.

Freedom isn’t free.

On By kacinpointLeave a comment

Today is the day America honors those who’ve served our nation. It’s a day to pay tribute to the men and women who have willingly given up their own freedoms and risked everything with the hopes that they would secure freedom for others. There truly is no greater act of sacrificial love for humanity than the willingness to lay down one’s life for the hope of freedom.

Although I thought I was marrying the man I wanted to grow old with at the time, in 1994 I married the Army. I had uncles who were WWII, Korean War, and Vietnam War veterans. They all wore the wounds of their service. I married into a family that also wore the wounds of service. And then my own marriage and family became a casualty of war.

Today, as we honor those who’ve served, may we understand the true costs of service. War destroys lives. War leaves physical wounds that never heal. War steals limbs. War makes sleep evasive. War leaves veterans with PTSD that is rarely healed. War creates brain injuries that are used to justify every immoral, abusive, and illegal act imaginable. War destroys marriages. War destroys families. War destroys spouses and children who struggle to love and understand the stranger it sends home.

Thank you to those who’ve willingly counted the costs and paid the price. Thank you to the families who likely didn’t count the costs, but paid the price nonetheless.

In the age of AI, robotics, drones, economic warfare, memetic warfare, narrative warfare, and educational warfare; we as humans have got to stop sacrificing human beings, marriages, and families, with the hope of securing freedom.

Freedom isn’t free.

Happy Veterans Day

Hard Truth

On By kacinpoint1 Comment

Fair warning: Life is hard and my heart is raw at the moment.

I’ve been through more than my share of trauma in this life. There were seasons when I thought the constant trauma would never end. One of those very long seasons led to divorce. I found myself hiding in the guest room and realizing that the fear of being alone was much smaller than the fear of living another day in the daily trauma I was experiencing. I did not want my children to think anything about the horrors they were witnessing was okay and I wanted them to be assured that it was okay to walk away from something that was destroying you, no matter how much of your life you’d given to it. So I said I was done. After being gone in every manner, but physical for several years, he physically left.

On the day that I knew it was over, my counselor gave me some warnings. She knew the history and she tried to prepare me that he would try to turn our kids against me and that he would do everything he could to leave me destitute. She knew.

I am a survivor. All that trauma made me extremely resilient. I am not destitute. My kids and my relationships with each of them is a mess.

The one thing I didn’t fully prepare myself for is how badly my kids would hurt when a new woman came into their lives. Nor was I prepared to be the one to catch the brunt of their pain. And I certainly wasn’t prepared with a proper response.

My not so little baby girl is hurting badly. She may be 18, but developmentally she’s 10. After trying to process a new person sleeping in her Tata’s bed, she started facetiming me and telling me she was going to run away from his house. She “doesn’t want a new Mama”. She’s been begging me for weeks to “go on a date with Tata” and I knew something was bothering her. Today it all came spilling out with multiple threats to run away. If you’ve followed for a while you know those threats are not to be taken lightly. Search and rescue has been deployed to find her nine times, in two states. Those were the times we called for help. She’s attempted to run away more times than I can count.

So I took today’s threats seriously and started trying to reach her Dad. Although court-ordered not to do so, he had my number blocked. I called my 22 year old who was at their house. Now he’s mad at me for putting him in the middle. In hindsight I probably should’ve just called the police and driven to his house. But I didn’t. I wasn’t prepared. I’m human and I’m a protective Mama.

I have refrained from sharing gory details of the last few years because they’re really ugly. But, I repeatedly have had others going through their own hell contact me and ask me how I’ve dealt with things. I wish I had some great wisdom to offer, but the truth is that I have failed repeatedly to do whatever it is that my kids need me to do and I’ve often reacted out of fear, anger, pain, or some other ugly emotion.

What I can offer to those walking through the destruction of their families is this…

Give yourself grace.

Do the best you can at any given moment.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Surround yourself with people that love you, believe in you, know your truth, and are willing to speak truth to you.

Take care of yourself.

Lean on God.

Know it’s okay on the days when you can’t take care of yourself. It’s really God’s job anyway.

Ask for help.

Let your kids know that you love them unconditionally. Even if they don’t see the truth, or lash out at you, or choose distance from you. Love them. You may be the only example they see of God the Father.

Again… Give yourself grace.

Ephesians 3:20  “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us”

Derby Day

On By kacinpointLeave a comment
Mage

When I was at LSU (GEAUX TIGERS!), I went to Delta Downs a few times with friends. I’m not a betting person, but I bet on those horse races. I had a rule then that I’ve applied to life. I’d walk through the paddock and find the horses who were restless and wearing blinders.

The rule… always bet on the ones who are restless and wearing blinders. They don’t pay attention to the way those around them are running their race. They’re just eager to run their own.

Today, for the first time in many years, I looked at the horses racing the Kentucky Derby and placed a bet. I saw a video of Mage in a paddock wearing blinders and scratching his hooves, eager to run. I watched tonight as he ran his race like he was the only horse on the track. It was beautiful!

After the win, I got to thinking about how hard it is in this day and age to run my own race without paying attention or comparing myself to those around me. I took this picture with a filter…

I don’t even know who that is and it makes me want to book an emergency appointment with a plastic surgeon. If I study that picture and start thinking that’s what I should look like, I’ll never be able to happily run the race I was created for.

Reality is, I look like this…

Hebrews 12:1 (paraphrase) Let us throw off everything that hinders us and run the race set out before us with perseverance/endurance.

Lessons learned from the derby:

Keep my blinders on. Don’t pay attention or compare my race to others, and especially not to some altered version of myself.

Eagerly run the race I was created for.

Endure.

Persevere.

Win. 🙌 🥳

Dammit, Toby Keith

On By kacinpointLeave a comment

I’d like to thank Outkast, Soul II Soul, Ja, Biggie, and Arrested Development for yesterday’s soundtrack. And for today’s sore knees and hips. Apparently dancing around my office all day is quite a workout. 90s Hip Hop for the win on a tired Monday!

I decided to switch things up and listen to country today. Big mistake! Five minutes into my half hour drive, this comes on…

“I’m just trying to be a father
Raise a daughter and a son
Be a lover to their mother
Everything to everyone
Up and at ’em bright and early
I’m all business in my suit
Yeah, I’m dressed up for success
From my head down to my boots”

Tears were dripping off my chin before Toby got through the words “lover to their mother”. Damn good lyrics.

You see… on this day, twenty-nine years ago, two twenty-two year old kids went to the courthouse in Baton Rouge and got a marriage license. This day was never Valentine’s Day for us. It was “Marriage License Day”.

Nine years later, in 2003, the boy I married was in Iraq when Toby Keith released American Soldier. I bought the CD the day it was released, packed up our three kids and our dog in his F-250, and drove from Columbus, Georgia to Denver, CO to spend Thanksgiving with the family I had married into. By the end of that drive the kids and I knew every lyric (we changed it to “a daughter and two sons”) and were belting it out. We were so proud of our American soldier.

And then came this morning…

No marriage license. No valentine. I am okay, but I am sad. It didn’t have to be this way. Or maybe it did. UFOs, wars, pandemics, governments and economies collapsing, AI, deep fakes, blackmail and blackmail inflation, deaths and divorces… nothing makes sense anymore. Or maybe it all makes sense. I certainly don’t have it all figured out beyond being grateful for the people and experiences that fill my days. My life is rich with both. Who knows if I could have accomplished the things I’ve accomplished in the last few years, or found the tribe of stellar humans I’m surrounded by if I was still expending every ounce of my emotional, mental, and spiritual energy fighting for my marriage… Great purpose and lots of healing aside, today is still a day when grief revisited. I am certain that four days from now, on what would have been our 29th anniversary, it will again stop by long enough for a cup of coffee or a cocktail, memories both sweet and bittersweet, and to shed a few tears.

I recently sent a diatribe of a text to someone stating that I do not have time or energy for a relationship and that I do not know if I ever want to be married again. The next day I deleted it on my end. As I typed those words I was trying to convince myself that they were my truth. The next day I realized that they weren’t. I actually loved fighting for my marriage. I just didn’t like fighting.

So yeah… today is a day when I am acutely aware that I am single. I am extremely proud of the work I’ve done to stand on my own two feet. Stepping into the skin of who God says I am and walking forward in the things He made me for has been an incredible adventure. Kaci is kind of awesome. And who knows? Maybe some day someone equally awesome will come along to be my Valentine. Meanwhile…

Dammit, Toby Keith. You made me cry.

Until grief decides to pop in again, a little wisdom from Soul II Soul…

Back to life, back to reality
Back to life, back to reality
Back to life, back to reality
Back to the here and now, yeah

Sunrise

On By kacinpoint3 Comments

Shortly after turning 50, I woke up in a vacation house that I had rented with dear friends and watched the sun rise over the peaceful lake in the above image. I’ve watched many sunrises in the last three years. Each time the light is about to peak above the horizon, I hold my breath with anticipation. The light is coming. The darkness is ending.

Because of God’s tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace. Luke 1:78-79NLT

After 28 years of loving hard and fighting harder, my marriage ended. I grieved for my husband for several years before we were divorced. Life isn’t fair. War is ugly and damaging and the destruction doesn’t end on the battlefield. The endless wars of the world have left us with generations of damage and destruction. The wife and children of a Vietnam veteran who came home forever changed, became war casualties. With those casualties unhealed, the cycle is repeated after multiple tours in the sandbox of Iraq. War is a catalyst for the propagation of destroyed families.

I’ve sat many times with the intent to write about the pain, grief, and fear of my family falling apart. The pain was too big. The grief sometimes overwhelming, and the fear hard to define. I’ve battled shame over the failures, but I do not count our marriage as a failure. We were a great team for a very long time. Our marriage produced four amazing humans. Marriage gave us someone to grow up alongside, to learn with, grieve with, celebrate with, confide in, to share life with. For many years we chose each other day after day and valued one another enough to fight for what we had. But marriages don’t fall apart overnight. They fall apart with wounds that add up and never have a chance to heal. They fall apart when disconnection becomes the norm and distrust the baseline of interactions. They fall apart when two people who should function as one, stop fighting for each other and just start fighting each other. We had more than twenty years of success before we started failing to remember that we were on the same team. I personally failed often in pausing to think about the power of my words before they escaped my mouth and my biggest shame comes from the things I’ve said that I can never take back. Fully aware that the power of life and death are in my tongue, there were many times when my words did not speak life. And so… the life we spent decades building no longer exists. The dreams of growing old with the father of my children have died. My cold feet have no warm legs to seek at night. There is no hand to hold or arms to embrace in the difficult and ordinary moments. Plans, dreams, decisions, and responsibilities are now solely between me and God. But God…

Yes, I fear living out my life without a teammate. Yes, I fear all of the uncertainty that comes with every area of my life being redefined. Divorce is kind of like skydiving from a plane that’s on fire with a parachute that you haven’t tested. You make the jump knowing that staying in the plane will lead to certain death. You feel nothing but pressure and winds and everything feels out of control on the jump. Your parachute opens with a jolt. You spin and turn as you fall. Eventually your feet find solid ground. The thing about the landing is that the moment your feet find ground is disorienting.

disorient verb

dis·​ori·​ent

disoriented; disorienting; disorients

a: to cause to lose bearings : displace from normal position or relationship

b: to cause to lose the sense of time, place, or identity

I’m getting my bearings, finding my place in this world, and giving thanks daily that my identity is wholly defined by my creator. I know who I am. I like me. I’m pretty sure God does too.

MANY people have asked me to share my story and the asks are usually followed with statements about others needing to know they aren’t alone. If you are living through the aftermath of war and your days are filled with grief, pain and fear; YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! Find a counselor. Find a support group. Confide in the people who love you and know you. Reach out to your clergy or the people in your Bible study. Join a Bible study. And please, do NOT be ashamed!!

Post Traumatic Stress, Secondary Traumatic Stress, Compassion Fatigue, Post Infidelity Stress, Codependency… all terms counselors have used on my healing journey. I have two kids on the autism spectrum. I have taught them that they are not defined by their labels or diagnoses and that labels are not excuses or justifications for failures or bad behavior. Labels serve the purpose of giving access to needed help and provide a paradigm to work within. In order to practice what I preach, I embrace who my Father says I am. I am not a victim. I am a victor. I’ve experienced trauma. I am not traumatized.

Y’all, I won’t lie. Knowing who I am and knowing the goodness of my God does not mean that a single step on this journey has been easy. Waiting for the parachute to open, free-falling, hoping my feet would find solid ground, and finding my bearings once I was standing, has been HARD!! I woke up to this song as my alarm daily for over a year and some days had to remind myself to breathe and put one foot in front of the other. Thankfully, I live on the water and my mindful breathing and walking has included sand under my feet. 😊🏝️

If you or someone you know is living through the destruction that far too often comes home from war, these are a few of the resources and supports that helped me survive the darkest days and get my feet back on solid ground. Please share and feel free to message me.

cohenveteransnetwork.org

https://homebase.org/

Home
https://leslievernick.com/
What is the Best Betrayal Trauma Support Group Online?
https://www.btr.org/
Home
https://puredesire.org/

https://captivesfree.com/pages/spouses

I read countless books. Feel free to message me if you need a recommendation or ten.

I am confident that with Christ I can do very hard things.

God’s plan is still to prosper me. He gives me hope and He promises great things for my future.

He says that I’m wonderful, made in His image, of great value, and deeply loved. I believe Him.

I have ground beneath my feet.

The sun ALWAYS rises.

Ten years ago we gotcha.

On By kacinpoint1 Comment
Ten years ago Sofija Bea Brave became my daughter.

Ten years ago today, the entire trajectory of my life changed.

On April 25, 2010 my American Hero hubby and I signed an adoption decree, and later that day put our names on a Serbian birth certificate that declared us the parents of Sofija Bea Brave. We were scared. There were moments along the path when both of us wanted to back out and run home. But we didn’t. We honored God and the journey He had placed us on, and that my readers, has made ALL the difference.

At this moment we are living through times that will be talked about in history books. There is a global pandemic that has literally forced the entire world to STOP. Every person I know, all around the globe, is in quarantine. Like you and every other human, I have come up with a hundred different theories, and contrived a hundred different explanations for WHY God is allowing COVID-19 to shut down literally everything. This is where I’ve arrived…

I entered this time of seclusion and quarantine believing that the pandemic was an act of discipline. That God had put the entire globe in timeout in order to strip away all of our idols and force us into a time of worship. While there may be some truth to that theory, I don’t think that tells the whole story of what we’re experiencing.

The very first verse I (and most Christians) learned was John 3:16. “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only son, so that whoever believed in Him would have eternal life.” After five, or six, or however many weeks it’s been, I now believe that God allowing the world to shut down is an act of love that I can’t even wrap my head around.

In 2007 I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer that had spread into my neck bed. I had seven tumors. The largest was 4.2cm. I had two surgeries and high-dose radiation that required ten days of isolation. It’s comical now to think how special I felt that God chose ME to spend ten days in isolation with. But honestly, that’s exactly how I see it. God loved me SO MUCH that he allowed me to have cancer so that He could get me alone with Him to heal my broken pieces and prepare me for all that was to come with the obedience of adopting my baby girl.

Right now, God is showing the entire world just how much He loves every single human being. You can sit all day discussing politics and conspiracy theories and Constitutional violations… OR you can stop, enjoy this time with your Father, and ask Him what He wants to put back together in you and what He’s preparing you for as the world emerges from this lockdown.

For me, I got to hear that I was cancer-free on June 18, 2009. Ten months later I was in Serbia adopting the little girl that would change everything, about every day, from that point forward.

Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to guide my feet
    and a light for my path.

When our kids were younger we camped a lot. This scripture came alive to me while camping. Pushing out three babies meant that for many decades years I couldn’t sleep through the night without a bathroom trip. On camping trips I often found myself in the dark of night, trying to navigate my way to an appropriate place to relieve my bladder with nothing but a flashlight to guide my path. No matter how strong of a flashlight I carried, I could never see the entire path ahead or everything that was making noises in the dark around me. That is exactly what Psalm 119:105 promises us. God’s Word will always show us the step that is right in front of us. He doesn’t promise to show us the entire path ahead or what is happening all around us. He only promises to show us our next step.

Adopting Sofija has led me down a path that I never could have dreamed of. I won’t bore you with details, but that one act of obedience, the one illuminated step on a dark and scary path, led to the next illuminated step, and the next, and the next. And here I am, on April 25, 2020, trying to wrap my head around the path God has taken our family down.

In the last 48 hours, my fifteen year old, almost six feet tall bundle of sass, has said repeatedly, “Stop talking to me!”, “Get away from me.” and “I need a vacation from this house!” She’s cried countless times over the last six weeks as she declared, “I miss people!” As I suspect most fifteen year old girls would do, when I respond with, “Let’s ask God what He wants to heal right now and what He’s preparing us for, she goes back to… “Stop talking to me.” But I’m okay with that. She’s identifying that this time at home is challenging and affirming her boundaries better than many adults I know. She has said several times this week, “I want to go live with other people.” I usually reply empathetically with, “Me too, Baby. Me too.”

I’ll be honest. There have been moments during the quarantine when I’ve felt guilty about the fact that I’ve never been more at peace or filled with more anticipation about the next steps God is lighting up on my path. There have also been moments when I’ve laid on my bedroom floor until I had to find a tissue to clean my snot and tears. Do I “need a vacation from this house”? Yep. At moments I feel completely claustrophobic. Do I “miss people”? Ummm…Yes! I’m 98% E on the Myers Briggs test. I’m sooo grateful that God chose me to be the Mama of a girl who needs people as much as I do. She gets me.

This time is hard and has everyone on a rollercoaster of emotions. Whatever you’re feeling is okay. But from someone who has been through a forced isolation and came out of it with healing, freedom, and a usually well-lit path, I highly encourage you to take some time during this period to ask God what He wants to heal in you right now. What is He asking you to lay down? What is He preparing you for? He never promised any of us the big picture or all the answers. He did promise us that He would always light up the next step on our path. And man, how grateful I am that ten years ago the step He lit in front of me looked like this…

Unashamed

On By kacinpointLeave a comment

Isaiah 50:7 But the sovereign Lord helps me,
so I am not humiliated.
For that reason I am steadfastly resolved;
I know I will not be put to shame.

This verse has been a sermon I’ve metaphorically preached from a mountaintop to others struggling with guilt and shame. What I’ve repeatedly said is that neither come from God. God (or more precisely the Holy Spirit) gives conviction and discernment, when we are doing something wrong. Discernment is the gut-check that provides a base to our moral compass and helps us know when we’re about to stray from a path of righteousness. It is NOT guilt. Conviction is a gut-check we feel when we’ve already made a bad choice. It’s the needle on that moral compass that tells us we’re now facing the wrong direction and we need to repent for the direction we’re facing. Conviction is NOT shame. Shame is embarrassment of the things we’ve done or the circumstances we find ourselves in. The root of shame is always either a refusal to repent and accept grace, or… pride.

Here’s the thing about making something the topic of a sermon that you repeatedly preach from a mountaintop, your words have no credibility unless you practice what you preach. A woman can’t lead others on a path to freedom from shame when she is hiding in shame from the circumstances of her own life.

On the first day of this year I shared that God had made it very clear that my theme for 2019 would be “grace”. In that post I revealed that having to make that word the underlying theme for an entire year scared the hell out of me. I knew that God putting it in my face everywhere I looked meant that I was either going to need a lot of it or need to give a lot of it. Needing to give a lot of grace meant that I would hurt and, I don’t know about you, but I can’t remember a single time when I’ve woken up thinking, “Man, I hope I get hurt today so I can exercise giving grace.”

My favorite book of the Bible is James. First off he just tells it like it is. His book is basically the cliff notes of all of Jesus’ sermons. It’s Christianity for dummies. And since he grew up in the same house with little boy Jesus I’m guessing that he had a better understanding of who Jesus was and what it meant to follow him than any other author of the New Testament. Here’s the thing about the book of James… you can’t read it without getting through verses 2 and 4 of chapter 1… My brothers and sisters, consider it nothing but joy when you fall into all sorts of trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its full effect so that you will be mature and lacking in nothing.

Joy… “consider it nothing but joy when you fall into all sorts of trials…” Maybe someone else has found a way for joy and shame to coexist, but I have not. This year has brought with it the biggest marriage trials we’ve ever faced. Instead of considering the trials joy, I have hidden in shame. It’s time to take my joy back. It’s time to lay down my pride.

At the very end of 2018 I received a partial answer to a question that had been unanswered for a year and a half. I entered this new year, the time that should be filled with hope and anticipation, filled with ominous dread. The rest of the answer to that one question was coming, along with jolting revelations that have only led to more questions and often more partial answers. Grace-giving has unquestionably been the overriding theme of my year.

And so, here I am, nearing the end of the year, unable to count the number of days and evenings that I’ve spent face-down on my bedroom floor with my face covered in snot and tears as I have cried out to God for comfort. I have hidden in shame as I have wondered how we got here. I never imagined that there would be a day when I would question whether or not I could handle the pain I was experiencing in my marriage for one. more. day. Life has dealt me pain and trials. My own choices have dealt me pain and trials. There is no trial I’ve ever walked through that prepared me to choose joy when security, safety, and unconditional love morph into insecurity, fear, and indifference. Every single time my amygdala takes over and tells me to “RUN!”, God reminds me of grace. Only He knows how much of it I’ve needed and how undeserving I’ve been of it. He also reminds me of how He pursued me no matter how hard or fast I ran from Him. And then I remember that the entire purpose of marriage is to model Jesus to our spouse. Lay down your life. Love unconditionally. Give undeserved grace.

Aside from the things God reminds me of, there are several things I know are certain. I know that God is good and He is true to His Word. I know that continuing to have faith in His goodness and trustworthiness produces endurance. And I know that endurance is the path to maturity and wisdom. I also know that hurt people hurt people. If you’re not yet married, I highly encourage you to work through your childhood trauma and lay down your baggage before you commit to love and honor another for the rest of your life. If you are married and you’ve experienced trauma since you made that commitment, run (don’t walk) to a counselor and start working towards healing. Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter how tightly we try to seal the baggage we stuff our unhealed wounds into, they will eventually spill out on the people standing by our sides.

We live on a tiny little island that is positioned between Tampa Bay and the Gulf of Mexico. From one end of our back porch I can see the sun as it rises over the bay. From the other end, I can watch it set over the gulf. Both the setting and the rising are breathtaking. But there is something that often happens in between that will capture my attention and sometimes bring me to tears with the power displayed. Tampa is often referred to as “The Lightning Capital of the World”. The lightning storms here will often last for hours. They are sometimes loud and booming, and sometimes completely silent. But they are always filled with awe-inspiring strike after strike that light up the darkness, and for a moment charge my body with an uncomfortable mixture of anxiety and excitement.

The jolting, and the anxiety, and the excitement, are all my story at the moment. Oh, but the sun…. it ALWAYS rises. JOY!!