Many people know that I cannot nap.  What few people know is that hand-in-hand with the not-napping is an inability to sleep on an airplane.  It is 1:25pm on the clock in front of me.  I am sitting at gate H37 in the Munich Airport.  I have been awake for 25 hours.  I do not function well without sleep and the only thing driving me at the moment is this gigantic magnetic force that is only an hour and a half flight away.  Well that, and German espresso.

The past 25 hours deserve to be documented.  We had an original plan of arriving in Belgrade by way of planes, trains, and automobiles.  There are free daily flights to Germany and Spain from both Andrews Air Base and Dover Air Base.  We live near both and we felt certain that it would be easy to get on one of these flights.  We planned to purchase raileurope passes and travel by train from where we landed to Belgrade and then rent a car to drive to our apartment.

On Friday, Chad called both bases and flights were scheduled for Saturday, Sunday and Monday.  On Saturday, he called again and things had changed.  The Nuclear Summit was underway and it turns out that the bases were hosting world leaders.  All flights were bumped from Sat. to Sun. and then from Sun. to Mon.  Then, on Monday morning, Andrews cancelled all flights until Wednesday and Dover cancelled all but one and could not guarantee that it would fly.  There was a lot of pacing going on at our house.  Our ministry appointment is tomorrow at 11am.  Chad and I both spent hours on the internet and making phone calls trying to find an affordable way to get to Serbia as quickly as possible.  Two months ago, I checked airfare from DC to Belgrade.  I checked every discount online travel agency and I checked with the humanitarian agencies.  The fares were outrageous.  At 1pm yesterday, I sent an email to Golden Rule Travel.  They book travel for humanitarian purposes.  Someone from their agency called Chad and by 2pm we were booked on flights from DC to Belgrade leaving at 8:10pm.  The roundtrip fare for five people and one-way fare for Ana-Sophia totaled about $2000 more than what we were planning to pay for our planes, trains, and automobiles adventure.  The comfortable travel and the peace of mind that we will get there on time were worth every single penny.

We made a mad dash to get packed (for the 4^th or 5^th time) and headed out for Dulles at 5:42pm.  Dulles is 26 miles from our house and the fastest way to get there is the beltway.  Anyone who has ever driven in the DC area, knows that there is never anything fast about the beltway between 3pm and 7pm.  We prayed before we pulled off of our street for God to give us a clear path.  Guess what? He did!  We pulled into our parking spot at 6:12.  There was absolutely NO traffic.  It made no sense.  I think that Chad had our mouths hanging open the entire trip.  Go God!

I don’t want anyone to think it’s been stress-free and all grins and giggles.  The mad dash brought out the worst in all of us and we were all able to identify it.  While we were standing in line to check our baggage, Seth slapped his hands together, squeezed his eyes tightly shut, and said, “God, I’m pleading with you to make the devil stop attacking us.  Please, God!  I’m begging you to help us all get along.” Talk about conviction!

We got through security in less than 15 minutes (another act of God) and when we got to the gate, they rearranged our seats so that we were all able to sit together.

On the sleepless eight hour flight, I caught up on some movies and recalled just how many things I forgot to pack.  It looks like Seth will be wearing bright yellow Keens for the next three weeks.

We are now too exhausted to argue and too excited to even want to.

At this time tomorrow, we should be with Ana-Sophia.

A ninety minute flight.  A cab ride to our apartment.  A good night’s sleep.  A ministry appointment.  A drive to a little town about an hour south of Belgrade.  And the waiting will be over.

Proverbs 4:25

“Look straight ahead,
and fix your EYES on what lies before you.”

On September 17, 2009, I looked into the eyes of my daughter.  When I scrolled down to her photo on the waiting children website, the first thing I noticed were her eyes.  I can’t honestly say that I focused on any other thing about her appearance.  I saw my reflection in those eyes and I knew that no matter where  or when she was born and what it would take to bring her home, she was my daughter.

The verse above is one that I often recite in my head.  I tend to be a little okay maybe a lot ADD.  I need a reminder on occasion that I need to be focused on what’s in front of me.  Throughout this whole adoption process, I have had to remind myself daily that I would meet Ana-Sophia in God’s timing.  In the mean-time, I needed to focus on my husband and the children that God allowed me to grow in my womb.  I have always known that my husband and children were spectacular specimens of the human race, but these past seven months have shown me exactly what they are all made of.  I realized a few nights ago that there has not been one single moment during this journey where any of us have doubted this calling.  Not one single complaint about the sacrifices being made has escaped the lips of my children.  What I have heard from their mouths on a daily basis are prayers for the protection and provision of Ana-Sophia and gleeful outbursts of, “I can’t wait to get my little sister!”

God’s timing is here.  We are planning to fly out in two days.  I can tell you how to say leg, stomach, nose, brown, mom, dad, brother, sister, and eyes in Serbian.  I can’t remember how to say hello for the life of me.  I have an uncomfortable amount of money in my possession and a bag packed with orphanage donations and pretty little wrapped gift boxes.   There is a twin bed made in pretty girlie bedding sitting next to a dresser with the words love, dream, and laugh on the drawers, waiting to be claimed by a five year old little girl.

I think it’s pretty safe now to focus my okos on the little girl that will soon call me Mama.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you breathe out and realize that you’ve been holding your breath?  Well I have.  Just yesterday.

It has been nearly seven months since I opened an email, opened the link in that email, scrolled down, and saw my daughter.  At some place in the beginning of this journey, I inhaled.

Along the way, I’ve learned more about adoption and immigration and Eastern Europe than I ever really wanted to.

I’ve also learned a much bigger lesson.  Patience.  Okay, so I haven’t mastered it.  But, I am coming to terms with it.  Do you know how many times the Bible talks about waiting?  About 160.  I know this because I think I’ve read every single verse on the topic.  Adoption is all about waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting some more.

You contact someone, who contacts someone, who decides if you are suitable to even start the process.  You order documents and you want to receive them.  You mail off those documents and you wait for them to be authenticated and returned.  You get finger-printed (a few times) and you wait for your background checks. You take new photos and send off your passport renewal forms and you wait for your new passport.  You start your home-study and you wait for home visits.  You finish your part of the home-study and you wait for the agency to write their report.  After a few months of putting your dossier together, you send it to a foreign nation and you wait to hear if it’s arrived.  You wait for it to be translated.  You wait for it to be approved.  You wait for a travel date.

And….you wait for the U.S. Citizen and Immigration Services to deem you worthy of adopting.  This part of the process has been torturous.  All I can say about dealing with USCIS is…Thank you, Jesus!  It’s over.

As promised, on Tuesday, the lady at immigration who is in charge of issuing the approvals for orphan visas, faxed us the holy grail of documents.  Also known as an I-171h, this piece of paper has become mythical around our house.

Even better than the fax, we got the real thing in the mail today.

The waiting is over.

One week from this moment, I will be sleeping in Serbia after visiting for the first time with my daughter.  I will know what she looks like.  I will know the sound of her voice.  I will know her scent.

Time to exhale.

In the midst of our anticipation and excitement, Chad’s family has undergone an unspeakable tragedy.  He has a cousin who struggled for years with infertility and spent a fortune in an attempt to have children.  Last year, she and her husband had a successful in-vitro and on New Year’s Eve they gave birth to twins.  A boy and a girl.  On Friday they lost the little girl.  The situation is horrific and I am not free to share all of the details on such an open forum, but please keep the entire family (including us) in your prayers.

Five years ago today, a woman that I  do not know, gave birth to a little girl, in Belgrade, Serbia.  I do not know at what time she was born, nor do I know any of the circumstances surrounding her birth.  What I do know, is that the little girl was born to be my daughter.

“You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit” (Job 10:12)

The woman named the baby Ana-Sophia.  Ana means gracious.  Sophia means wisdom.  My daughter is destined to be a gift of gracious wisdom.  Who couldn’t use a good dose of that?!

Jeremiah 1:4-5

The word of the LORD came to me, saying,  “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;…”

God knew.  He had it all planned out.

Only ten more days will pass before I can see her and touch her and smell her.  Today, on the day that I celebrate her birth, those ten days seem like an eternity.  I have longed for my daughter today.  I hope.  I pray.  That someone loved her and celebrated her life.

Ana-Sophia,

Happy Birthday!

Today is Good Friday.  I believe that this is the most tragically beautiful day of the year.  It is today that we acknowledge the fact that God allowed His son to be brutally tortured and murdered on our behalf.   It is a day that I, you, we, do not deserve.  But it is a day that I whole-heartedly accept and embrace.  For without today, there would be no healing.  There would be no grace.  There would be no completion.  There would be no Easter morning.

Romans 5:6-8

“Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn’t, and doesn’t, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn’t been so weak, we wouldn’t have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatsoever to him.”

Today was also about as gloriously beautiful as a spring day in Washington DC can get.  And…it’s the end of spring break for my my 3 oldest children.  After a week filled with adoption happenings, we decided to escape our little world and make the most of our time together.

First thing on the agenda: A practice run to Andrews.  We are planning to fly out of there on our way to Germany in nine days and we thought it might be nice to know our way to the terminal.  Chad ran in to ensure that all will go as planned and immediately upon his entry, he was approached by a secret service agent who asked if he’d like to meet the President.  Apparently we arrived just before Air Force One was scheduled to land and they were trying to find a crowd to welcome him.  Chad presented the opportunity to the kids and in typical kid fashion, they declined and insisted that we head out for destination #2. Sorry, Mr. Obama.  You lose to colossal milkshakes.  We did enjoy seeing the belly of your plane as you flew over heads while landing.

Destination #2: The infamous “Chick & Ruth’s Delly”.

Being fans of Man vs. Food, we have a list of establishments that serve ridiculously large portions of food that we hope to visit.  It just so happens that the entire family is also a huge fan of milkshakes.  Chick & Ruth’s Delly happens to be the home of the six pound milkshake.  It also happens to be a short 45 miles from our house.  Yes.  I took photos.  No.  I have not yet uploaded them.  Yes.  We conquered the shake.  Okay.  I have to be honest.  We were actually pretty intimidated by the six pound shake.  That thing is enormous!  We settled for two, much smaller, 33oz shakes.

I think I’m being called to a fast.  It might not be God calling me, but my swimsuit is definitely pleading.

Chick & Ruth’s is located right on the Chesapeake Bay in Annapolis, MD.  Between Mother Nature dishing up the best she had to offer and 4lbs, 2oz of shake in our bellies, we were inclined to walk along the bay.  It was glorious!  Have you ever been outdoors and found yourself just blown away that God created such a perfect environment for us to live in?  Yeah.  It was one of those moments.

Destination #3: fishing

The original plan for the day was to go fishing.  Last summer we learned that the Naval station at Annapolis rents boats.  A quick Google search confirmed that they do indeed rent them and that the rentals are very affordable.  A phone call yesterday to reserve a boat taught us that the affordable boat rentals will not be available until the end of May.  Sigh….

Unfortunately, Chad and I made the mistake of discussing our fishing plans within earshot of little ears.  This mistake led to moaning and groaning and high hopes of catching the big one.  Seth even suggested that we sell all of the big fish we were going to catch to help pay for the adoption.  I love him.

After our attempt to burn off some miniscule amount of the calories we’d consumed, we gave ourselves a tour of the U.S. Naval Academy and began searching for a spot to cast our lines.  We found a sweet spot behind some abandoned buildings and spent a fishless hour or so engaged in casting practice before calling it a day.

The sweet spot will be revisited.  So will those sinful colossal shakes.  And perfect grace.  And healing.  And all the gifts and beauty that are possible because of this day.

Today was indeed a Good Friday.

fool

“Form I-72, Request for Evidence has been issued after reviewof the home study indicated that it was not in compliance with the requirements listed by Title 8, Code of Federal Regulations 204.3 regarding special needs adoptions. Please allow for 2-3 mail service for the document to arrive to your home address.”

I’m assuming she meant 2-3 days.  It really didn’t matter.  I could not wait.  I immediately found the regulation and matched it up to our home-study.  There didn’t seem to be any discrepancy, but hey, I’m no immigration, federal-code reading expert.  I cut and pasted the code and that portion of our home-study and sent it back to her asking her to clarify exactly what was out of compliance.  The response I got was one sentence.  “have your home-study agency contact me”  No capitals.  No punctuation.  So…I called our agency, and I waited.

After 48 painstaking hours, we got a call from the agency that our amended home-study was ready.  Just before we left to pick it up and hand deliver it to USCIS, we got an email that our appointment in Belgrade is confirmed for April 14th.  We then got an email from the lovely immigration lady telling us that she will have Ana-Sophia’s visa approval, the infamous I-171h, approved and in our hands by next Tuesday.

So there…It’s no joke.  Not fooling around.  Not make believe.

In 9 days we will leave for Serbia.

In 12 days we will meet our daughter.

And…if we had been in Baton Rouge this week.  Well, our story would be different.

Now we just have to figure out where the rest of our adoption expenses will come from!

Every day I think of things I want to blog about.  There are several moments in each day when I have an urge to share the current scoop on the adoption.  Most days, I refrain from writing for one single reason.  We still do not have our I-171h.  That’s the blessed document from USCIS (the current name of immigration) that says they deem us worthy to be adoptive parents.  It’s the end result of filing our I-600a, which is the “Application for advance processing of an orphan.”

So…everyday I check the mailbox a dozen times.  I know that our mailman never arrives before 3pm, but that doesn’t stop me from checking it just about every hour from the time I get up in the morning.

Pathetic.  I know.

Today I started feeling a little neglectful.  I realized that there have been significant events in the past 3 weeks that I failed to write about.  Now I can’t remember the details.  I’ve pushed out a couple of kids that weighed more than 9.5lbs.  As a result, I have permanent baby brain.  Those significant events are probably now lost forever.

Even though the evasive I-171h is still not in my hands, I need to document where we are on the journey to bring our daughter home.

At 2pm today (Serbian time), our facilitator met with the ministry officials.

“…I suggested April 14th as your meeting date.
It’s 90% sure,but I asked them to confirm this date for 100% as soon as they can.I insisted very much to get the answer very,very soon.Hope to get it in several days.
Tomorrow the MO lawyer is sending your dossier to the center,and till the end of the week they will officially confirm that your family is in the best interest of Sophia.Just a routine procedure.
You must count on staying three full weeks in Serbia,because of a very delicate adoption procedure of little Sophia.
But,there is a possibility for Chad to leave the country after the adoption ceremony….”

So there.  It will be a minimum of 2 more weeks before we meet our daughter.  If we have to stay for more than 3 weeks, Chad will have to come home with our older three and I will stay behind.  That’s where things get a little quirky.  We are planning to fly on a military aircraft from here to Germany and take the train from Frankfurt to Belgrade.  There are daily flights (yesterday there were 5) from here to Germany.  This travel plan will save us thousands of dollars and provide ultimate flexibility.  It will also be a great adventure riding the train from Frankfurt to Vienna and then from there, to Budapest and on to Belgrade.  Our travel plan also means that we do not have to board a commercial aircraft with a child who may be upset, hysterical, unruly, and non-communicative.  Everyone on a military aircraft is required to wear ear-plugs.  A priceless gift to those who end up on an airplane with my children.

If Chad comes home early with our older children, he does not want me traveling across Eastern Europe, alone with Ana-Sophia.  I kind of agree with him.  That means that she and I will fly directly from Belgrade to DC.  It’s pricey.  And…we don’t have the money for it.  We are still about $1000 short from our original goal and this change in plans would add about $1500 to our total adoption expenses.

I’ve read every scripture I can dig up on provision and faith lately.  With this being Holy Week, I’ve also been reading about the last days of Christ life on earth.  God gave everything for me.  For you.  I keep looking at my children and asking myself if there is anything at all for which I would sacrifice them.  It hurts my heart and brings me to tears to even think of giving them up.  God did it willingly.  With that kind of sacrifice, how could I ever doubt his ability or willingness to provide?

Romans 8:31-32

What can we say about all this? If God is on our side, can anyone be against us? God did not keep back his own Son, but he gave him for us. If God did this, won’t he freely give us everything else?

That’s the scoop.  I need to stop checking the mailbox a dozen times a day and get busy making some money!

We are supposed to be in, or at least on our way to, Baton Rouge right now.  I haven’t seen my family there in 2 years.  I miss home terribly and I would give just about anything to be in the presence of my grandmother for a day.

That being said, I still do not feel 100% healthy and the hubby has had tummy issues since he returned home from Arizona on Friday.  There’s also the issue of our budget.  You see, since we began Financial Peace University last fall, we’ve become sticklers about our budget.  Stacks of spreadsheets and budget forms have earned a permanent spot on our kitchen counters.  We are not yet debt free, but we have found financial peace by taking control of every dime that comes and goes in this house.  We have an emergency fund.  We have an adoption fund that is still a little short, but that we have faith will soon be fully funded.  We have a car fund.  What we do not have, is a vacation fund.

The common question around our house concerning any expense is, “What would Dave Ramsey say?”

I kept trying to tell myself that we would somehow make it work.  I fed the kids ramen and leftovers the entire time dear hubby was in Arizona.  I’ve driven the absolute bare minimum for the past 2 weeks.  The money I saved on groceries and gas would certainly justify a little excessive spending to see my family.  Wouldn’t it?   Yeah, Yeah, I know.

Dave Ramsey would probably turn it around and ask, “Did you budget for it?”  And the answer would be….No.

So here we are.  At our home.  Not quite the home I wanted to visit this week, but it’s still home.  It’s Monday.  It’s Spring Break.  It’s raining.  Chad and I both still feel pretty icky.  My grandmother is 1133 miles away.  And that money I saved on groceries and gas is still sitting in the bank, waiting to be applied to our debt snowball or moved to the adoption fund.

If USCIS (immigration) actually comes through with the holy grail of documents that they’ve promised, we will be on our way to get our daughter in exactly 2 weeks.  Two weeks.  Fourteen days.  Three hundred and thirty-six hours.  Kinda crazy!

Today I put away little girl clothes and organized all the things in the house that will belong to Ana-Sophia.  It felt real.  Folding little leggings and pajamas and hanging little dresses.  Placing night-time story books on her dresser.  Putting Barbie dolls and play-doh into colorful bins.  Every activity made her feel real.

And then I began to think of what I would pack for her to wear and play with while we are in Serbia.  I got a knot in my stomach.  For months we have been promised updated photos and information on her.  Chad has said repeatedly that he needs a “proof of life”.  The only photos we have are more than 2 years old.  The last evaluation we have on her is more than a year old.  We have absolutely no clue what size she is.  Should I pack the 4’s, the 5’s, the 6’s?  Should I even bother to take shoes for her?

For a period of time, I was in daily communication with our facilitator in Serbia.  I just assumed that as the time for us to travel drew near, that daily communication would continue and that information would be forthcoming.  I was mistaken.  In the past 3 weeks, I’ve received 3 brief emails and none of my questions have been answered.

On my end, I have miserably failed at learning Serbian and I’m trying really hard not to think about how I’m going to communicate with my child.  And…I have yet to buy one single gift out of the 26 we’ve been asked to bring for everyone involved in the adoption process.

That being said….Is it really too much for us to want a proof of life?