I looked through old posts that I’ve written during Holy Week and found this one. The title is somewhat appropriate for my current season of life.

It’s Good Friday. It’s the day that Christians honor the excruciating sacrifice made on the path to the cross so that we can embrace all the goodness that came with the Resurrection.

Here’s the thing… When I wrote this post, I thought I understood the depth of the meaning of Good Friday. The truth is that I didn’t have a fricking clue. In the years since I wrote the following words, my world (and the world at large) have unraveled. Every single descriptor I held as my identity ten years ago is gone except for these two, I am a Christian and I am a Mom. That’s it. That’s about all that’s left of the woman who thought she understood.

I now find myself on the back nine of life trying to redefine it. Dating is excruciating!! A new career is excruciating! Single/part-time parenting young adults is excruciating! Navigating the world solo after three decades as part of a tribe is excruciating! But I survived the crucifixion of my life.

Many of you have asked me about “dating”. A year ago I had lots of silly rules. Now I’m down to… I won’t date anyone that could be my child or my father and no missionary dating. Pretty simple guidelines. For the curious, even with simple guidelines, I’m not dating anyone. I’ve been okay with that. I’ve needed time to heal and my top priority has been establishing myself and insuring that Sofija’s future is taken care of. But yes, I get lonely. Which leads to Good Friday. I’m quite certain that my Savior was lonely as he was brutalized and put to death. In the brutality, He knew that Sunday was coming….

Originally posted ten years ago –

Throughout the Lenten season this box has greeted anyone that walks into my home. For six weeks words of repentance and forgiveness have been scratched out on pieces of paper and dropped into the box.

“I forgive _____ for hurting me.”

“God, I repent for not trusting you.”

“God, I forgive you for not yet healing my child.”

etc…

All those words meaningless without the power of this day, the very best and the very worst of Fridays.

The word “excruciating” was created just to describe the events that took place on Good Friday. Its Latin derivative is literally “out of the cross”.