If this post rambles or doesn’t make much sense, I apologize.  I’m functioning on NO sleep.  Two nights ago I stayed up with a friend until 3am.  Not the most responsible choice, but the conversation was good.  Yesterday I woke up at 6am with a sleep-deprived hangover and a big dark cloud following me around with a reminder that last night would also bring no rest.

The rules were, that Sofija could not have more than four hours of sleep.  Chad and I came up with a plan.  He would stay up with her until 2am, I would go to bed as early as possible (which ended up being midnight).  I would wake her at 6 and take her with me to drop the big kids off at school and then head into DC for her EEG at Walter Reed.  The EEG was scheduled for 9am.

Glitch 1: Tropical Storm Nichole “fell apart” and decided to cop a squat on top of us for a while.  Chad grew up in Colorado and I grew up in south Louisiana.  Driving in snow and rain are just the norm for us.  Not so much for the greater DC population.  A tropical storm comes to town and people forget how to brake and accelerate.  The end result of this mass inability is a list of accidents on the local traffic report  about as long as the health care bill.

Glitch 2: A fifteen year old girl wearing an outfit that her mom did not approve of.  By the time she had on something I approved of, she had missed her bus.  The end result of that calamity was a mad dash around the neighborhood in an attempt to catch up with her bus.  Three stops past where she should have caught it….Success!

Glitch 3: A thirteen year old sick boy.  Mama doctored him up and sent him back to bed.

Glitch 4: As a result of the endless list of traffic problems, we arrived at 9:30am.  Just in case you didn’t catch it earlier, that’s half an hour after her scheduled appointment.  Quick stop at pediatric neurology on the 1st floor.  Rush to the neurology lab on the 6th floor.  All accompanied by cries of , “Let’s go to bed!”, “Edemo spava!”, “Take a nap!”, “Sleep pleeeease!”.  While the staff discussed whether or not to show us some grace, I took baby girl to the bathroom and a had a wonderful encounter between a stainless steel shelf and my forehead that literally brought me to my knees.  Grace was given to me, Sofija and the brain sprouting at my hairline.  Just as we were being led into the EEG room, an alarm sounded.  Evidently a girl was brought into the ER actively seizing.  We were asked to wait while the team went down to monitor her.  AT 1PM, somebody had a great idea to call the naval hospital at Bethesda and see if they would be able to squeeze us in.  The three hours in between were absolute torture for my poor baby girl who just wanted to sleep. It took an hour of phone calls to make it happen, but we left Walter Reed with a plan to be taken back as soon as we could get there.

Glitches ended.  We arrived.  They took us back.  Sofija cooperated as they put glue all over her head.  She then laid down, opened and closed her eyes when asked and fell asleep just as planned.  If she had not fallen asleep,we were scheduled to return to Walter Reed where we would have been admitted to the sleep lab and had to remain for the entire night.  The EEG tech did not speak great English and he kept asking me to translate for him.  Just for the record, I do not speak any dialect of Kenyan and I’m pretty sure that my daughter understood about as much of his English as she does of mine.  Communication issues aside, he got all of the information that he needed from her test.  His only question for me was, “Why isn’t she on medication for her seizures?”  My reply, “Ummmm, I think that’s why we’re here today?.?.”

The princess is now sleeping soundly in her bed.  The Mama will soon be sleeping soundly in hers as well.  My hope is that we will have clear answers by Monday and in the meantime that we’ll get plenty of rest.

I can’t go to bed without mentioning that on this day in 1947, my mother came into this world.  I would give just about anything to be able to pick up a phone right now and wish her a Happy Birthday.  I’d love to be able to tell her about my day and have her tell me that no matter how weary I am, God never grows weary and that He’s give me the strength to get through this part of parenting.  I would love to have the chance to thank her for pounding the idea into me that families aren’t always made of blood and that every human being, no matter what their abilities or lack of abilities, has worth.

Isaiah 40:28-29

“…He won’t become worn out or get tired.
No one will ever know how great his understanding is.
He gives strength to those who are tired.
He gives power to those who are weak.”

I don’t care when your Mom’s birthday is.  If she’s still there to pick up the phone, you should call her just because you can.

There was a family adopting their son from Serbia on about the same time-line as ours.  They had more favor with USCIS and ended up bringing their son home a month before we were able to bring Sofija home.  The Mom blogged about their journey and she titled her blog “Throwing Starfish”  The poem Throwing Starfish has always been a hard pill for me to swallow.  I want to do it all!  Accepting that I, personally, do not have the power to mother every orphan in the world is somewhat heart-wrenching.

However, I usually get to the end of my days and wish I had just a few more minutes or hours to spend with the husband and children God has given me.

Today I stumbled across this video.  It’s Matthew West telling the story behind his new song One Less.

Once again….grab a box of tissue.

http://vimeo.com/15064039

ac-cept-ance

–noun

1. the act of taking or receiving something offered.

3. the act of assenting or believing.

What we’ve learned about Sofija in the past couple of weeks deserves to be documented.  I’ve hesitated because I have not wanted to step into acceptance.  I think I’m there now.

From the moment we knew we were called to be her parents, we knew there would be challenges.  We knew what it meant to live with a child who falls on the autism spectrum.  We talked to people who’ve lived with and overcome attachment disorders and the host of other issues that are attached to children coming from Eastern European institutional settings.  The day we met her was the same day we learned of her birth mother’s mental illness.  We educated ourselves and felt as prepared as possible to tackle that one too.  We studied the spiritual side of her background and began reclaiming her spiritual heritage.

Then came last week.  Monday September the 12th, to be exact.

In July our daughter was sedated and underwent an MRI and EEG.  She was sedated with an anti-seizure medication.  Last Monday we were finally able to sit down with a pediatric neurologist and go over the results of those tests.

Her brain is not normal.  Inside her right temporal lobe, the hippocampus and temporal horn are incorrectly proportioned.  Her EEG showed frequent abnormal brain waves in that same area.

All the love, affection, attention and security in the world cannot fix that.

But you know what?  God can.  Faith can.  Prayer can.

This is the acceptance that I’ve had to step into.  In April of last year I saw lymph nodes in my neck that appeared to be cancerous.  In June they were gone.  That’s what faith can do!

This Thursday I will spend my day (and possibly night) at Walter Reed as Sofija undergoes another EEG.  I will spend the day in prayer and fasting and claiming wholeness and healing for my daughter.

John 14:14 “Ask anything in my name and I WILL DO IT.”

That’s a promise that I choose to accept!

Continue reading “harsh reality” →

One year ago today I opened an email that contained a link that changed my world.  I woke up on September17th without any plans to adopt and with a to-do list that was a mile long.  Halfway through my day I became aware that Ana Sofija Calvaresi existed.  My to-do list became unimportant.

Isaiah 43:5 “Do not be afraid, for I am with you.  I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west.”

I didn’t understand the how or why or what, but I could not escape the call.  My child was on the other side of the world and it was urgent for me to go get her.  I had no fear.  God was with me.  He provided everything we needed.  He “gathered” us.  And He brought her home from the east.

Lots of adoptive families celebrate “gotcha” days.  The day that their child legally became a part of their family.  Sofija’s gotcha day was a day that we would actually rather forget.  We love her dearly and we’ve come to enjoy the majority of her behavior.  There was nothing enjoyable about her behavior on that day.

Instead of celebrating her gotcha day, I think we will celebrate this day.  I think I’ll call it our “Awakening Day.”

awakening

noun:  a recognition, realization, or coming into awareness of something

Ironically, we are packing up right now to spend the weekend at Awakening Fest.

John 14:18 “I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you.”

Thank you God for upheld promises, for awakenings, and for my child.

I’m really kicking myself for not posting last week.  All of my kiddos are back in school and life has resumed a somewhat normal, way-too-full schedule. Along with the new routine has come a bit of regression, so…in order to focus on some positive, I’m gonna go back a week.

Labor day was our last day of summer break and thus the last day our pool was open.  I tried to convince the pool manager to leave it open for the rest of the week so the parents could enjoy a few days of peace and quiet at the pool.  I even offered to sign a liability waiver since all the teenage life-guards would be back in school.  She didn’t think my idea was nearly as brilliant as I did.  So…I resigned myself to the fact that we must squeeze in every last ray of exposed-skin sunshine and game of  splash-Mama-in-the-face possible.

After I had everyone tucked in bed that night, I did a little unintentional reflecting.  I had promised Sofija’s teacher that I would type up a translation sheet of the Serbian words and phrases that she is still using.  As I sat down and began to type I could only come up with seven things.  Seven things!  Four months ago this child didn’t know seven English words. And now, other than the seven things I typed on that sheet of paper, she is using all English.  This realization is what led to my reflecting.
I have made an effort to capture each of the kids on video at least once a week all summer.  After typing up the translation sheet, I decided to see if I had actually captured their growth on film.  When I looked back to the first week of summer and our trip to Louisiana and Florida, I realized just how much Sofija has changed.  On July 2nd, we were swimming in Florida and she was terrified to have anyone come near her or to have water touch anything above her waist.  She would let out blood-curdling, I’m-being-kidnapped screams every time we came within five feet of her.  Yes.  People stared.

By September 2nd, she was spending her days begging to go “swooming”.

Taking note of how she’s progressed with her trust and communication gave me some peace about sending her to school.

Kira catches the bus at 6:20am and since the girls share a room, Sofija was up and screaming “Let’s go to school!” before the sun was even shining.  All that reflecting the night before kept me up till after 1am.  The pre-dawn screaming did not amuse me, but it did drag my sleepy butt out of bed.  The teenagers were too cool to have their 1st-day-of-school pictures taken.  Since I hadn’t consumed enough caffeine to operate a camera before they left, I guess it really didn’t matter if they were willing to play along. My two precious little stimmers don’t go to school until 9am.  By that time, I’d consumed a pot of coffee, brushed and re-brushed Sofija’s hair, claimed all God’s promises for them to have a peaceful day, and made myself look somewhat presentable.  (There was no way of being certain that either of them would do okay when I dropped them off and I wanted to make sure I looked decent if I was going to spend my day at the elementary school.)

The stimmers did fine.  The Mama bawled like a baby.  The Tata laughed at the Mama.

In the three hours of waiting for her first day of school, Sofija alternated between demands to leave for school and pleads to go ‘swooming’.  Before I walked out of her classroom, I looked around and realized that a song had been stuck in my head all morning.

I hadn’t admitted just how sad I was about her going to school.  I should have had four years to prepare her.  I was only given four months.  I have felt a little cheated and a little down.  I tried to stay busy all day and reminded myself over and over again to “Just keep swooming.”

The team of people caring for my two babies is absolutely amazing.  I can’t say enough about how compassionate and caring they have been as we all try to figure out how to structure Sofija’s school day.  Their awesomeness made it just a little harder to swallow when I arrived at the end of day one to learn that my precious baby girl had bitten one teacher’s arm, ripped a handful of hair from the head of a second teacher and left a half-dozen nasty scratch-marks across the chest of a third teacher.  On a positive note; the only peer-damage was when she pushed down a boy who took her basketball.  After all the apologies to the grownups, I’ve decided that the boy probably had it coming.

On Friday I met with Sofija’s special-education team.  We all agreed that the day is just too long for her.  On Labor Day she took a two and half hour nap and on Tuesday she went to school from 9am -4pm with no chance to rest.  Before we got out of the building she was begging for bed.  She was asleep at 7pm that night and I had to drag her out of bed the next morning at 8am.  The pattern continued for the remainder of the week.  All the damage she’s done to her teachers has taken place between 1pm and 4pm.  We used that as a cue and agreed to cut her days in half.  For now I will pick her up from school at noon.  If she does well, in a couple of weeks we’ll move it to 12:30.  Everyone at that meeting raved about my children and expressed their excitement to have the opportunity to teach them.  Thank you, God!

I left that meeting with the knowledge that my prayers for my children’s teachers and schools have been  answered.

The weekend was great.  Sofija did tons of socializing, used ‘excuse me’, ‘please’, and ‘thank you’ with no prompting, and even blamed her sister for getting a spot on her shirt…”Mama!  Look!  Kira did that!”.

Then came Monday.

Since I started off talking about her regression, I probably need to document it.  Today has been a bad day.  With no warning, Sofija began speaking mostly Serbian.  She has used new words that I can’t find in the Serbian dictionary and that are clearly not English.  My lack of comprehension in what she’s trying to communicate have resulted in attempted bites and slaps.   Her stimming is out of control today.  She can’t stop shaking her hands or her head or flaring her nostrils for more than a few seconds.  She has squealed, screamed, and cried for no apparent reason.  She tried to beat the dogs again.  She was only at school for half a day!  I was so excited to have some alone-time with her this afternoon and she wasn’t able to leave her little world long enough to even notice that she had me all to herself. 😦

I attempt to apply Galatians 6:9 to the way I live my life every day.

^“So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit. “

I often fail miserably, but when it comes to parenting I just don’t see failure as an option.  I’m holding on to the promise that I WILL reap what I sow into my children.  ALL of my children.  Even the precious little stimmers.

I will not quit.  I will not give up.  Tomorrow will be a new day.  And no matter how long the regression hangs around, I’ll just keep swooming.

In the first few weeks after our return from Serbia, Sofija had this lovely habit of slapping us across the face.  We’re talking full-force, run across the room and swing with all her might, palm-meets-cheeks slaps.  I can’t recount how many times her big thick calloused hands have landed on my face, but I do know that every single slap stunned the crap out of me and reminded me that my life was forever changed.

Just to clarify….

A stinging cheek = A wake-up call.

Slap # 1

A few nights ago I was sitting on my stairs answering an email on my phone, when my ten-year old son looked over my shoulder and said, “Wow, Mama.  You’re a really good typer.  Maybe you should be a writer or something.”  Slap!

I then tossed and turned all night and finally climbed out of bed at 7:15am after achieving little or no rest.  My cheeks were stinging and I knew that it was time to write.  I think I’ve mentioned once before that I have been writing a book for the last three years.  The story is done and it looks very promising that it will be published.  I’ve spent these last few weeks of summer playing with the kids, trying to prepare Sofija for kindergarten, and editing the book.  The words of a ten-year old delivered a wake-up call.  He reminded me that I NEED to write.  The fact that I couldn’t sleep all night because I was obsessing about the eight-step plan gave me a pretty good idea of what I should be writing about.

Step 1 is far from being mastered, but after a month of working hard on dishing out love to my loved ones, steps 2 through 8 are calling my name.  I have read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (almost) daily and I have found myself swallowing some pretty large doses of conviction each and every day.  I’m kind of wishing I had done a better job of documenting the events of the past few weeks, but “love keeps no record of wrongs” so I guess I need to forgive myself and move on.

STEP II

Be as humble as Jesus.

I blogged a while back about surrender.  It still amazes me how many promises God attached to total trust and surrender.  Something I never realized until today is that there are just as many promises attached to humility.

2 Chronicles 7:14 – Be humble ~ Be healed.

Isaiah 29:19 – Be humble ~ Receive joy after joy.

Psalm 25:9 – Be humble ~ God will keep you out of trouble.

James 4:10 – Be humble ~ Be honored.

Job 5:11 – Be humble ~ Be prosperous.

2 Samuel 22:28 – Be humble ~ Be rescued. (This one comes with a promise to what happens if you’re not humble.  It says that He will humiliate the proud….)

James 4:6 – Be humble ~ Be favored.

Proverbs 11:2 – Be humble ~ Be wise. – It actually says that “the humble receive wisdom.”  I like that.  In fact, I think that’s enough motivation for me to feast on some humble pie.

I’m pretty big on meanings and translations of anything I am attempting to understand (hence the many dictionary entries in my writing).  When I started looking for a clear definition of humility, I didn’t have to look far.  Right back in Philippians, where Paul laid out the 8-step plan, he gave us a very clear and simple picture of what being humble looks like.

Philippians 2:3

“Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.”

Just like every other attempt I make at being Christ-like, I’m quite certain that living out humility will be easier said than done.  And… I can’t use ignorance as an excuse for a lack of humility.  When I think about the basis of my belief system, I realize that  step 2 is wrapped up in a pretty neat little package.

Jesus was the Son of God and he never thought of himself as being better than anyone else.  In fact, he was so humble that he inspired Paul to preach to the people of Philippi to think of others as being better than themselves if they wanted to be at peace with one another.

I don’t know about you, but seeing myself and my own wants and ambitions as being lessor than those of the people around me seems like a small price to pay for things like healing, prosperity, honor, joy, guidance, healing and wisdom.

I’m not a betting woman.  But if I was, I’d put every dime I’ll earn in this lifetime on the fact that I’m about to be challenged with some opportunities to exhibit humility (and desires to be anything BUT humble).  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Slap #2

All of my kids, including Sofija, will start school next week.  That procrastination I mentioned before….well, it’s been the rule of thumb in preparing for the upcoming school year.  I have invested time into teaching my younger two and shopping with my older two, but I have totally ignored the mounds of paperwork, list of phone calls, and many appointments necessary for them to start school.  With eleven days to spare, my mad dash began.  After visiting all three schools, I grabbed a venti latte with an extra shot, said a prayer, and headed to the social security office.  This has been the one school registration duty that I have dreaded the most.  Yes, I know that we cannot claim our daughter as a dependent or get the adoption tax credit until she has a social security number.  I also know that there is one single social security office to service a quarter of a million people in this area.  This was not a stop I’ve looked forward to.  After chugging my coffee, I entered the building with a bag full of items to keep me busy.  I had all of the school enrollment forms to fill out, a sudoku book, and a book that promises to help me relate to my teenagers.  I told the lady at the counter my reason for being there, grabbed a number and took my seat amongst several dozen other social security seekers, feeling pretty well-armed.  Those government workers might have the power to treat me badly and make me wait for hours, but they would never conquer me with boredom!

Before I could even finish signing the application for a social security card, I was called to the back.  I have to confess that I was a little disappointed.  My arsenal of boredom-busters never even made it out of my bag.

The gentleman who called me back was quite possibly the most pleasant government employee ever.  And yes, my husband does still work for the government.  He went through my paperwork, asked a few necessary questions and waited for the signal that my receipt was printing.  In the waiting, he looked at me and asked, “How do they treat the people with disabilities in Serbia?”  Next question, “How do they treat the orphans?”  He looks at me and says, “I see Serbian girls and girls from all over eastern Europe that come through here with their new American husbands.  I think the men buy the girls.”  I responded, “Yes.  They do.”  We then had an in-depth discussion about human slavery, sex-trafficking and the A21 Campaign.  At the end of the discussion he looked me straight in my eyes, sat silent for a moment, and then asked, “So what are you doing about all that you know?”  Slap!  I’m awake.

Mr. Smelling Salts went on to inform me that he is a social worker who just happened to be occupying that desk, on that day, because they were so busy and they needed him to fill in.  He asked me how he could get involved and I kindly offered him every single way I could think of.  He actually pulled out a legal pad and took notes :).

It’s been three days and my cheeks are still stinging.  Just think.  That man is a social worker.  On any other day, at any other time, I would not have sat across the desk from him.  I would not have had this kind man look me straight in the eyes and ask me the question that God wanted me to hear.  I would not have woken up to the fact that I do know what is going on in the world.  I do know that slavery and sex trafficking are very real parts of the world where my daughter was born.  And for the past month, I’ve done nothing about it.

James 4:17

“Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.”

That’s not just a slap.  That’s a full-blown beating.

While the thought of Sofija starting school after only four months of time with us is somewhat saddening, I am very aware that I need some time in my days to pursue the tug in my heart.  Step three is not only about serving my loved ones.  It’s about serving the greater good.  It’s about throwing away my own desires and ambitions and pursuing God’s calling on my life.  It’s about doing what I know I ought to do.

3. Stop acting out of selfish motivation and vain ambition. Be a servant to those around you.

After the kind reminder by Mr. Smelling Salts, I opened my Bible to Matthew and read Jesus’ parable of the farmer throwing seeds.

Matthew 13:20-23

“The seed on the rocky soil represents those who hear the message and immediately receive it with joy. But since they don’t have deep roots, they don’t last long…..The seed that fell among the thorns represents those who hear God’s word, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the worries of this life and the lure of wealth, so no fruit is produced. The seed that fell on good soil represents those who truly hear and understand God’s word and produce a harvest greater than what they planted!”

I want to live a fruitful life and to produce a harvest that is greater than what I have planted.  I want my children to have a stronger faith-life and a closer walk with God than I have ever dreamed of.  I want to be deeply rooted in my own faith-life so that I don’t have to worry about my joy being temporary.  I do not want to have God’s truth in my life crowded out by life’s worries or for my marriage to suffer because I’m out chasing success and wealth.  I do not want to pursue my own selfish motivations at the price of chaos in my house.

Hopefully step 3 will be a little easier to put into practice than step 1 has been.  I’m thinking that if I master humility, it should be pretty simple to be a servant to the people around me.  After all, rubbing my husband’s feet should be a piece of cake once I’ve accepted that his feet are less smelly than my own.

Slap #3

On the drive home from the social security office a public service announcement came on the radio about parenting teenagers.  Quote, “Don’t discount a compliment with an insult.”  The speaker went on to say that telling your child that you are proud they ‘did great on their algebra test, but it’s still a shame that their english grade is bringing down their gpa’, is not a compliment.  I immediately heard my own voice saying things like, “I’m proud that you made your bed without being asked.  If you had put away all of your clean laundry people might actually be able to tell it’s made.”  “I’m proud that you dressed yourself.  If your clothes matched, I might even let you wear them out of the house.”  “Honey, you are the best husband ever.  Thank you for doing the grocery shopping this week.  You do know you got the wrong brand of ketchup?”

Sigh….Looks like I still have a long way to go with step 1.  Adding 2 and 3 should make life pretty interesting.

God, please only slap me this week if I really need it.  Amen.

Okay.  I have to confess.  Paul’s eight-step plan was a whole lot easier to type out that it is to implement.

Throughout the past couple of days I’ve found myself going, “Well, there went step 2.”, “So much for step 4.”,  “I’ll just have to get to step 5 some other day.”  With each failure came an excuse.  “Aunt Flo never visited Jesus.” “Paul was in prison.  He didn’t have to deal with a five-year old having a complete meltdown in Target that probably inspired all the spectators to call child protective services.”  “Telephones didn’t even exist back then.  I’m sure nobody in Philippi ever called their spouse to see if their day has gotten any better (or to apologize for not caring that their day was stressful in the first place).”  “Paul wasn’t married to someone who works at the Pentagon.” Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.

After 48 hours of failure, I made a decision.  I’m gonna eat this eight-step elephant one bite at a time.  If you’re working the program with me, feel free to put down the snow shovel and pick up a teaspoon.  It’s just like the Lord’s Prayer.  Until you acknowledge that God is your father and you seek his will, all of your apologies and thanks and requests are gonna be pretty fruitless.  So, until we learn to show love, we’ll never learn to find joy and peace and to adjust our attitudes.

Here goes.

Step 1. If my family is united in our love for Christ, we must be united in our love for each other.  Period.

Philippians 2:1-2 (CEV)

¹Christ encourages you, and his love comforts you. God’s Spirit unites you, and you are concerned for others. ²Now make me completely happy! Live in harmony by showing love for each other. Be united in what you think, as if you were only one person.

Ok.  Now I have a really big confession to make.  I have read every translation of this verse with the hope of finding an out.  There isn’t one.  Paul made it pretty clear that we should live in harmony by showing our love for each other.  That word “showing” kept catching my attention.  He didn’t just say to live in harmony by loving each other, but by “showing” love for each other.  So tonight I went on a search for what that looks like.  Just how do we show love for each other.

Once again, I found the answer in one of Paul’s letters.

How many of us had 1 Corinthians 13:4-10 read during our wedding ceremonies?  How many of you that aren’t married plan to have it read at your own wedding?  How many of us actually get what it means?  I wrote it out in a card for my husband today (in an attempt to work the program).  While writing it out, I actually read it.  I paid attention.  I got a beating.  I told a friend today that reading all of Philippians 2 was like a trip behind the woodshed where you pick your own switch.  This evening, I got another switching.  Just because I’m such a giving person, I’ve decided to share the pain.

Brace yourself.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

So there you have it.  That’s what step one looks like.  Loving my family means that I have to be patient (not a gift I was born with).  I have to be kind (no more screaming at the kids for folding towels wrong or dishing out  guilt-goodies for dessert when my husband works late).  I can not envy the fact that my husband gets a break from household responsibilities or that my daughter has a better date-life that her parents.  I must be humble and avoid boasting. (Humility isn’t so tough with two autistic kids attached to my hips, but I do have an issue with bragging when I think I’ve done something right.)  Don’t be rude (Stop interrupting people, Kaci!). Don’t be selfish (If I can master this one, the others should be a piece of cake.)  Control my temper! Learn to Forgive and Forget (no more grudges).

The next verse “Love does not delight in evil…” took some time for me to explore.  To ‘delight’ in something is to ‘take pleasure’ in that thing.  I thought at first that it meant to not take pleasure in other people’s pain or when other people are wronged.  After reading it several times and taking into context the meaning of the word ‘delight’, I have come to the conclusion that showing love not only means that you do not take pleasure when other people are hurt, but that you take no pleasure in anything that is wrong.  You can’t go out of your way to hurt someone and then say that you love them.  Got it?

Take pleasure in being honest. This one is easy for me.  I LOVE the truth.  Sometimes a little too much.  I’ve gotta figure out how to show love by being truthful without inflicting pain.  Humph.

Love always protects. This is another one that is pretty easy for me.  I’m a Mama bear when it comes to my kids and my husband and my friends and pretty much anyone that I love.  Even when I’m frustrated with my kids or my husband, you won’t hear about it until we’ve made peace and even then, you’ll only hear about my mistakes.  I believe in showing love by protecting my relationships.  Wait a minute.  Am I boasting?

Always trust. Still struggle with this one sometimes, but I’ve come a LOOOONG way.

Always have hope. So here’s the deal with hope.  I’m either bursting with it, or I can’t find an ounce of it.  Anybody out there relate?  Tonight I am bursting with it and even though there are moments when I do still struggle with finding a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, I do have great hope for my children and my marriage and for God’s purpose in my life.  God’s really working on this one with my sister.  I’ve been working on showing her love by having hope for her future.  This is something I’ve been working on for a while now and just this very minute I realized that God has been preparing me for this part of step 1 all along.  Kinda cool.

ALWAYS PERSEVERE!!! I just had to go grab a definition for this one.

per·se·vere

I think that pretty much sums up the first step.  Feel free to keep praying for me.  I’ll be praying for everyone who’s working the program with me and hopefully we’ll all be comfortable enough in step 1 to move on to step 2 pretty quick.  Don’t know about the rest of you, but I could use a little peace and harmony.

bitching

–verb (used without object)

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:  Who, being in very nature God,  did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.  Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.  Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

Um-hmph.  Think I’m gonna be chewing on that one for a while.  Did you catch that “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.”?

After reading over this about a dozen times I started seeing exactly how it is written.  I’ve always loved the Lord’s Prayer because I believe it is the example of how we should pray.  God gave us a very specific order in which to come to Him with our thanks and our apologies and our requests.  It is a model.  The book of Philippians was written by the apostle Paul while he was in prison.  It is written to the people of Philippi, which was a Roman colony.  The Philippians sent Paul a gift in prison and Paul wrote the book as a thank-you letter to them and to report to them his circumstances.  He wrote it to them with the intent of giving them a model for living peacefully with each other.  With this bit of Biblical history in mind, I read this chapter and gained a little perspective.

I’ve always liked the number 8.  It’s fun to draw and I love that it’s the symbol for infinity when turned on it’s side.  Here’s an eight-step program for you that should lead to a peaceful household.  I’m just starting the program today, so I’ll have to let you know how it goes.

1. If my family is united in our love for Christ, we must be united in our love for each other.  Period.

2.  Be as humble as Jesus. (this should naturally result in the other steps)

3. Stop acting out of selfish motivation and vain ambition. Be a servant to those around you. (ouch!)

4. It is okay to think about your own interests, but you also must think about the interest of others. (this one shouldn’t be too difficult.  everyone in my house is pretty good about voicing their needs and wants.)

5. Don’t complain about what you have to do. (yea. yea. got it,God.)

6. Don’t argue. (bummer.  I really like to be right and so often the people around me are wrong)

7. If you do the first six, you will shine like stars amongst a depraved generation. (My kids and hubby would probably tell you I’ve been a big dark cloud lately, so I think I can handle bringing a little sunshine to my world.)

8. Be glad and rejoice. Pretty humbling and convicting seeing that Paul was in prison when writing this and commanding the people to be glad and rejoice “with him”.

I’m a little worried that this program might be a little harder to stick to than a new workout or diet plan.  Wish me luck or pray for me.  I’ll take either.  I’ll probably need both.

di·vine
/dɪˈvaɪn/ Show Spelled [dih-vahyn]
–adjective
1. proceeding from God
2. addressed, appropriated, or devoted to God
3. of superhuman or surpassing excellence

This word has floated around in my head and inside my mouth for the past couple of weeks.  It’s a fun word to mouth.  Try it.  I like the feel of the ‘vvvvv’.  Just typing that made me realize that I might just have a touch of autism myself.  Hmmmm?

Definition 1:  Proceeding from God.

My kiddos last day of school was June 24th.  For months we have planned to leave on that Thursday afternoon, drive the entire eighteen hours from here to Baton Rouge,  and arrive at my grandmother’s house in time for breakfast on Friday morning.

My grandmother is one of my favorite people on the planet.  I have never seen her as just a grandparent.  She is my friend.  My mentor.  My confidant.   The last time I saw her was in May of 2008 and I have been beside myself with anticipation over going home.  To sweeten the deal, my great-aunt planned a family reunion for our first weekend home.

On the night before we were planning to leave, my husband and I began to argue.  It was pointless and unnecessary and it somehow quickly escalated into one of the worst ‘word wars’ we have ever engaged in.  There were several times between Wednesday evening and Thursday afternoon that both of us said we would not make the trip.  “I’m not riding across the country with you.”  ” I don’t want to be stuck in a car with you for eighteen hours.”  You get the idea.  My whole point in sharing is that we almost missed out on a divine trip by allowing our hard-heads, egos, and mutual desire to have the last word, get in the way.  God was sending us to Louisiana for a very specific purpose.

The fight delayed our departure and the breakfast arrival I had envisioned turned into a late lunch arrival.  On Saturday, we dragged our exhausted butts down the road for the family reunion.  I come from a large family of God-lovers and it felt great to spend a little time swimming in that gene pool.  And yes, it was also quite fun to show off our new addition.   She did have a couple of full-blown meltdowns and she did bite one of my uncles on the butt.  Otherwise, she was amazingly well-behaved.

The reunion placed us in the same room with the people that God wanted to use to show us purpose and to bless our socks off.  An encounter that we would have completely missed out on if we had let our fight dictate our plans.

If you’ve followed our story from the beginning, you know that we have been on the road to financial freedom for the past year.  We sold our Honda Odyssey in January and took the $4000 in equity that we had in it to an auction and paid cash for a Kia Sedona with 116k miles on it.  In the process, we eliminated more than $10,000 of debt.  The Kia has been comfortable and has met our needs for the past several months, but it has been spending quite a bit of time in the shop and we’ve reached the point where we don’t want to put any more miles on it or money into it.

We have been paying ourselves a car note every month  into a money market account since we eliminated the payment on the Odyssey.  Our plan was to sell the van, withdraw what we’ve saved and take the combined money back to the auction with the hope of finding something with less mileage.  We would drive that vehicle for 10-12 months and then trade up by doing the same thing all over again.

Our kids are constantly asking us to pick up their friends for various activities.  With a family of six, we’ve been coming to terms with the fact that the only way to be involved in transporting our kids and their friends is in a very large vehicle.  An eighteen hour trip with seven people packed into a Honda Pilot was confirmation of that fact.  We now clearly understand the meaning of the phrase, “like a can of sardines”.

It was only a few years ago that I was driving an Acura MDX.  The day we bought it, my husband told me I looked like a “kept woman” behind the wheel.  I liked that look.  About the time of my cancer diagnosis, we got rid of it, along with my husband’s super-sexy platinum edition F-250.  We swallowed our pride and simplified our lives.  I really hoped that going from an MDX to an Odyssey was enough of a lesson in what matters in life.  But no.  God took me from being okay with a Honda mini-van to being really excited about a Kia mini-van (there’s nothing quite like paid-for to make a car lovable).  Since our return from Serbia He’s taken me from loving my Kia to longing for a big ol’ ten, twelve, or even fifteen passenger van.  God does indeed have a sense of humor.

The blessing our socks off was a financial gift that we were told to use for purchasing a larger vehicle.  It was completely unexpected.  But guess what?  We now have enough to purchase that big ol’ van.  We hope to sell the Kia this week and we’re hoping to find a Dodge Sprinter, but we’ll be happy with whatever God leads us to buy.

Definition 2. addressed, appropriated, or devoted to God

Our blessing-givers are living out definition 2.  Their will and their actions are devoted to God’s purpose.  Because they are living a divine life, they don’t miss out on divine interactions.  At the reunion we discussed our adoption process, including the where and when.  When they learned that we adopted from Serbia, they had perfect clarity about one of those divine interactions.  They met a woman in Houston who just happens to be from Serbia.  When they met it was clear that their meeting was divine, just not the actual purpose of the meeting.  They agreed to keep in touch.  The minute I said where Sofija was from, the purpose of them meeting was revealed.

Our financial blessing came three days after our family reunion.  Within minutes of receiving that blessing I was blessed in more ways than I can even describe.  I was placed on the phone with a woman who began to put together the pieces of a puzzle that God has been crafting for ages.  She has raised money for and spent time in the orphanage where my daughter lived in the early years of her life.  She told me over and over that it was no accident that God sent us to Serbia to adopt.  She was right.  She said He could have sent us anywhere in the world.  She was right.  She said that God is doing something BIG.  She is right.  I don’t know where God is taking me and I don’t know exactly what He will use the two of us to do together, but I know I don’t want to get off this ride.

Definition 3. of superhuman or surpassing excellence

We are now fully engaged in summer fun and I have half a dozen stories to tell about my kids.  Our trip was packed full of answered prayers and unexpected joy that I want to share.  Maybe I’ll write about all of that tomorrow.  Those things are not at the forefront of my thoughts tonight.  Tonight I just needed to document how big God’s love and power are.  I am still trying to process what He has already done and what He is putting together.  When we committed to adopt Sofija, we did not even know what country she was in.  We knew she was in the Balkans and we knew that we had an urgency to get her home.  No one in my house had ever met anyone from Serbia until we landed in Belgrade on April 14th.  And all along, God was in charge.

Without us having an iota of awareness, He put a woman from Serbia and a man that I dearly love and respect in the same BBQ restaurant in Houston, Texas at the exact same moment.  He gave them both a desire to establish contact and gave them both perfect clarity in the fact that their meeting was no accident.  He gave the woman an unexplainable urge to share her life story with this man, in the middle of this restaurant.   It was divine.

Six weeks after we returned from Serbia, on the one year anniversary of my cancer-free day, He put my butt in a seat in an audience of people who all sat and listened to Christine Caine describe what was happening with the sex trade and human slavery throughout Eastern Europe.  After that sermon, He gave me the opportunity to speak with her about my daughter, and Serbia, and my desire to see what she has inspired in other European countries spread to my daughter’s birthplace.  That conversation was divine.

One week later, he put my family in the same building with the lovable respectable man that met the lady in the BBQ restaurant and in one big swoop, He  showed us all what “superhuman and surpassing excellence” looks like.

Ephesians 3:17-19
…And may you have the power
to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high,
and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to
understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness
…of life and power that comes from God.

I don’t know that I’ll ever fully grasp it, but I am getting an idea of just how wide and how long and how high and how deep His love is.  It’s immeasurable.  It’s too big to even articulate.  It makes me full.  My soul feels like I just made one too many trips to an all-you-can-eat buffet.  His love is truly divine.