Glennon over at Momastery likes to say that life is “brutiful”. She’s a wise woman. If you take the time to breathe it in, life is unquestionably beautiful. But you don’t really have any clue just how beautiful it is unless you’ve experienced some real brutality.
This is a brutiful season of my life.
My oldest daughter was planning to stay at home this fall and finish her associates degree through the local community college where she took a couple of classes her last year of high school. And then, about a month ago, she got a little envelope in the mail that changed everything. An amazing little private college in Lynchburg, that was built nearly 200 years ago, offered her a huge scholarship. All of a sudden the picture of her future came into focus. It’s a beautiful picture… breathtakingly beautiful.
At the exact same time the beautiful picture of my firstborn’s life was coming into focus, Sofija’s anxiety and my dear hubby’s work mess created an abundance of brutality.
In the midst of this brutiful season I have simply been exhausted. Okay, maybe not so simply exhausted. I have also been moody and stressed and downright nasty at times. I’m exercising, talking to a counselor, spending time with God, and trying to maximize every single second that I can find to care for myself. Some moments I feel okay. Some moments I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and hope that the moment has passed before I take another peek at my world.
Today was a brutal day. It just was. I tried to smile and laugh and hoped once again that I was perfecting the “fake it ’til you make it” attitude. All the fake smiling and laughing could not undo the fact that I was lonely. Yes, I am aware that I have five family members sharing my home. Yes, they are constantly in my space. However, they’re just as traumatized as me. They’re not much help when I need a listening ear or a shoulder.
Tonight, in my loneliness, a friend in Nashville sent me a link and said that she thought of me when she read it.
If you know me (or any trauma mama) in real life and you’ve ever had the inclination to just leave me (or them) alone because you have no clue how to deal with our children or how to respond to the reality of our days, I need to ask you favor.
Please click the following link and read… Thanks.