As I sit here pondering all the things I’ve done in 2011 that were worthy and honorable kept me from living out my dreams, I took a moment to read Jon Acuff’s blog post.
http://www.jonacuff.com/blog/the-simple-truth-about-ignoring-your-dream/
BTW… sitting around reading other people’s blogs is one of my excuses. 🙂
For several years my husband has wanted to take our now fourteen year old son on an extended hunting trip. He’s taken him out on many day trips, but this year they had an opportunity to spend a whole week in search of Bambi‘s papa.
I awoke this morning to the following picture of my handsome son freezing his tush off in the woods of central Pennsylvania.
Genesis 27:3 Now then, take your weapons, your quiver and your bow, and go out to the field and hunt game for me….
….when it comes to faith.
So Little Faith
Matthew 17:20, NIV: “He replied, Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
Why is it that when faced with a task that exceeds our faith, it is often the task that comes under question and not our faith? For, in truth, we frequently believe that with God all things are practical–rather than possible. Who, or what, is it that tells us that a ministry won’t work because of budget constraints, or that certain people will not change and therefore aren’t worth witnessing to, or that spiritual peaks cannot be maintained? Where does it say in scripture that God provides up until the point where things go beyond our resources, abilities, or knowledge. Either all things are possible with God, or they are not. Either you believe ALL things are possible, or you don’t. On one hand, we have our almighty, eternal, steadfast and faithful God. On the other hand, we have our experience, tradition, and our own understanding. In what, or who, will we put our trust? And what can ever truly be done with so little faith?
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Tonight one of my very favorite preachers (Matthew Stroia ~ look him up on Vimeo) spoke on the power of our words and the need to choose them carefully. As I sit here swimming in contemplation and conviction I keep hearing the words to a song that has been one of my very favorites for more than a decade.
Some may say I already live an uncommon life. At least I hope so. I know that I want my words to always speak freedom and I want to make every effort to avoid lending my energy to the things I wish to be free from.
Do you put your energy into things you wish to be free from? Do your words speak freedom? Are you living an uncommon life?
With four kids running around the house, the phrase, “That’s not fair!” is commonly heard. Bedtimes, curfews, chores, academic expectations, you name it, are all used to validate my children’s belief that the hand of cards they’ve been dealt is just not quite as fair as the hand of cards their siblings are holding. Haven’t we all been there?!
When I was diagnosed with cancer in May of 2007, I spent many days crying and whining about the fairness of life. I was sexually molested as a child. Unfair. My parents split up when I was in kindergarten. Unfair. My Mom battled an addiction to prescription drugs until she died at the age of 59. Unfair. My third child is autistic. Unfair. After being robbed of self-respect through being molested, I made choices that stripped away what self-respect I had left. Unfair. I spent nearly thirty-five years of my life trying to earn grace and not grasping that it was freely given. Unfair. My husband went to war in order to protect and fight for freedom while our children and I stayed home and learned to live without him. Unfair. At age thirty-five I was diagnosed with cancer. Unfair.
But you know what? I wouldn’t trade the unfair in my life for easy and normal on any given day.
When James said, “Consider yourself blessed when you are faced with many trials…”, he meant it. All that unfairness is what God has used and will continue to use to perfect my faith.
I do believe that. But in the last week that belief has been tested. On July 6th 2010, I awoke at 4am after a bad dream. I waited for the sun to rise before calling the friend who was the subject of that dream. She answered the phone and said, “It’s Joe.” This was not just any friend. This is one of my very best. A sister. Joe is her husband. On the day before, at the ripe old age of 44, they discovered that he had brain cancer. I have no great or even justifiable excuses, but I have not done a good job at maintaining communication or offering ongoing encouragement over the last year and a half. Every time I called I felt a little guilty. I’m cancer-free. Unexplainably, undeniably, miraculously, cancer-free. While I’ve embraced the miracle that is my life, my dear friend and her two young children sat and watched the man of their house lose his. Unfair!
Last Wednesday I awoke after a similar dream. This time I waited for the kids to get off to school before I called. Joe had been moved to a hospice center and he was nearing the end. At 4 the following morning I received notice that he had died during the night.
It’s the last day of my fast and the reflecting that I’m doing is drastically different from what I had expected. God has highlighted some amazing truths in the last twenty-one days, but it’s the last three that have proven to be the richest.
You see. In all the years I’ve known Joe, he rejected salvation. He didn’t think he needed God and he didn’t understand how a loving God could allow horrible things to happen. Haven’t we all been there also?
I’m sure Joe is now questioning God about the evils of the world. I can have that certainty because I know that he did have a “come to Jesus” meeting with the chaplain who would perform his funeral just a few short weeks before he died. As a result, his funeral service was the most amazing celebration of life I’ve ever experienced. He wrote letters to his family that were read by the chaplain and followed by songs specially selected for each of them. Joe’s sisters read Psalm 23 and a selection from John 14. It’s the latter that shook me to the core.
John 14:1-3 NCV Jesus said, “Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust in me. There are many rooms in my Father’s house; I would not tell you this if it were not true. I am going there to prepare a place for you. After I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me so that you may be where I am.
As a little girl I memorized Acts 10:34-35 Then Peter said, “Now I understand that God doesn’t play favorites. Rather, whoever respects God and does what is right is acceptable to him in any nation.
The minute I heard the reading from John 14, I recalled the verse from Acts. Jesus didn’t say that God prepared a place for anybody special. He didn’t say one single thing about fairness or equality. He’s prepared a place for each of us. In the house where God’s family lives, there are rooms for each and every one of us. God doesn’t play favorites and he doesn’t care if you invite Him into your life at the age of five or on your deathbed. He doesn’t care where you come from or what you’ve done or not done or accomplished or failed to accomplish. He just wants you to choose Him.
Joe’s death has hurt. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that my precious friend is widowed. It’s not fair that a 14 year old girl knows that her Dad will never walk her down the aisle. It’s not fair that a 15 year old boy knows that his Dad will not see him graduate from high school or college. It’s not fair that there will be a daughter-in-law and son-in-law and grandchildren who will never know the kindhearted brilliant man that I had the privilege of knowing. But God’s not about fairness in this life. My God is focused on eternity. He’s about making this life as bearable as possible while He prepares a place for us to live out our eternal lives.
On day one of this fast I began asking God to strip away anything in my life that may hinder me from living the exact life He has purposed for me to live. I asked Him to transform me and rearrange my priorities. I also asked Him for something very selfish. I asked Him for the certainty that my dear friend and her husband would someday sit around with me and my dear husband basking in the glow of the presence of God. As undeserving as I am, He answered my prayers.
This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for a God that is not fair.
James 1:27 Religion that pleases God the Father must be pure and spotless. You must help needy orphans and widows and not let this world make you evil.
I have so much to write about! Tomorrow I am hoping to catch up on this crazy 21-day journey and do a little venting and insight seeking concerning the many events of my current life.
But, tonight I need to get to sleep. Before I do take a peek at the backs of my eyelids I wanted to challenge anyone who’s been convicted during adoption month to live out James 1:27. Are you caring for widows and orphans? Even if you’re not called to adopt or do not personally know someone who is called to adopt, you can still “care for orphans” by supporting those who are called. My dear friend Leah is leaving very soon to bring home her newest son. Can you help her family in this endeavor to save a life and grow their love? Go read her blog and be challenged…. http://networkedblogs.com/q3uyq
As a bonus, she is giving away a great camera set to some blessed person who donates. That blessed person just might be you!
This post is for all the Mommies in northern Virginia of children with disabilities.
We live in Fairfax County. Last year was an amazing school year for our six year old daughter Sofija and we felt certain that she was exactly where she needed to be. This year. Not so much. She is now in a room where she is the oldest, biggest, and highest functioning student. There are six other students of which two are completely non-verbal and have NO assistive technology. The classroom is literally 1/3 the size of the room she was in last year. There is not even room for them to bring their coats or backpacks into the class. The primary teacher is a first year teacher who has ZERO ABA training and the two instructional assistant spots apparently have a revolving door of substitutes. I literally cannot count the number of different faces I’ve seen in there in the first nine weeks of school. The one IA that was familiar with Sofija from last year, dug her fingernails into the palms of Sofija’s hands and left fingernail marks under her arms within the first three weeks of the school year. That was her last day.
I’ve been told that I’m the only parent that comes to the class daily and keeps track of what’s going on in the classroom. It is my guess that this is the reason I’ve been called to come get Sofija three out of the last four days that she’s been to school because she was just “having a bad day”. We’ve had two two-hour meetings and have yet to get to the behavioral intervention plan in her IEP. The behavioral coach and behavioral intervention specialist have contributed nothing to the classroom or to her IEP. In fact, I do not even know who they are. We have a BCBA and BCaBA that work with her in our home for forty hours/month and they have both spent time in the classroom. When asked, they put together behavior plans for the class that have yet to be implemented.
She is bored! We brought her home from Serbia in April of last year. At that time she spoke no English and did not know letters, numbers, colors or shapes. She mastered all of those and was speaking English fluently by the end of 2010. In January we started working on letter sounds and writing and working towards reading. She never quits when a new tasks is presented to her and she very quickly masters every new skill. She is literally acquiring 40-50 dolch words a week and she is able to pick up almost any book now and read through it. She is also able to independently write sentences. If she doesn’t know the words from memory she sounds them out. She can count money and make change. She’s even teaching herself to play the piano (It’s pretty amazing to hear her picking out songs by ear and singing along as she’s playing).
Having her in a room with children who cannot speak and who have physical disabilities has created a perfect storm for aggression. The other students have a much higher level of needs and when attention is being focused away from her and she has nothing to do, she acts out. When all of the adults in the classroom stop what their doing and focus on Sofija, her bad behavior is reinforced and it escalates. The more attention she gets, the worse her behavior becomes. It’s just become a vicious cycle and the staff doesn’t seem to be willing to do anything to break it.
At this point we are simply looking for another placement where both her academic and behavioral needs can be met. I know that APTS is great for behavior, but not so strong academically. We are planning to visit Phillips today. I’m hoping that somebody out there can give us some suggestions on schools to avoid or schools that they recommend.
If you read all the way through this and you have no connections in northern Virginia with schools or autism, feel free to pray for us to have clarity and peace about where she belongs. Our prayer is simply that she be in the environment where she can reach her full potential and be loved and nurtured.
The past few days have… worn. me. out. I keep hearing that phrase, “Be careful what you ask for.” As I continue to ask God to strip away anything in my life that is not conducive to living in His will for my life, He faithfully and painfully delivers. Happy. Happy. Joy. Joy.
In ten short days, I have given up a friendship and a career. Ouch. The really weird thing is that I have total peace about both situations. Something in me has fought to hang on to things that did nothing for who I’m called to be and I had no clue how to lay those things down on my own. Sadly, this always seems to be the case when something unhealthy in my life is pleasing my fleshly desires for achievement or success.
The following definitions are taken from http://www.dictionary.com.
verb (used without object)
Genesis 1:24-25
DAY SIX God said, “I command the earth to give life to all kinds of tame animals, wild animals, and reptiles.” And that’s what happened. God made every one of them. Then he looked at what he had done, and it was good.
The tame animals and wild animals came on day five in my life. They were camped out in my family room to watch the college football national championship tonight. Just in case you missed it…. my team won 🙂
GEAUX TIGERS!!!
Today I have found myself struggling with the fast. I woke up excited about the idea of getting creative with Daniel fast-friendly football food and then realized that I had to drive my oldest to a Krispy Kreme fundraiser for her high-school crew club. With no time to dig into the Bible or drop to my knees, I suddenly had two dozen circles of sin sitting on my kitchen counter. How nicely they would go with a hot cup of coffee….
In a desperate attempt to avoid cooking up some bacon and eggs and making myself a feast, I went to my room and began looking for fasting encouragement. I’ve read a ton today, but the devotion at the following link gave me the most motivation.
http://www.newlivingtranslation.com/03spiritualjourney/column1.asp?aID=661
Nice to know that I’m not the only sinner around with “hell in my heart”.
Lux, Libertas 