emancipate [ ih-man-suh-peyt ]

verb (used with object),e·man·ci·pat·ed,e·man·ci·pat·ing.

1. to free from restraint, influence, or the like.
2. to free (a person) from bondage or slavery.

A dear friend has referred to the last few years as “The Emancipation of Kaci”. He was there when I sold my vehicle because I was ordered to do so in the divorce decree. I went two months with no vehicle. Not because I couldn’t afford one, but because I had no clue what I wanted. The last vehicle I’d purchased without a husband’s input was a Nissan Sentra when I was twenty. Purchasing a car on my own scared the hell out of me!

Thirty years ago today, that train-wreck twenty-two year old girl walked down an aisle and said, “I do” to a twenty-two year old boy who was just as broken and who could relate to most of the childhood trauma she drug down the aisle behind her.

For many years I was the woman who offered to babysit so that others could attend weddings. My justification in skipping weddings was that it made me sad that most people put more effort into planning a day and a ceremony than they do into the relationship that they are supposed to make last a lifetime. In all the years of skipping weddings, I arrogantly thought that we were the exception. We had a simple ceremony and we were both committed to growing old together. This morning a picture we “aged” with an app several years ago popped up in my memories.

While I refuse to believe that I’ll EVER look like the old lady in the picture, the memory popping up brought with it a wave of grief. Later in the day I dropped Sofija at his house. Another wave of grief… On our 25th anniversary trip we began planning a 30th anniversary trip. A trip that wasn’t in our cards. Word of wisdom – if you’re miserable at home, planning your next anniversary trip doesn’t fix anything.

When I’m invited to weddings these days, I don’t offer to babysit. I do ask questions about what brought them together and how much of their crap has been dealt with. A fact of life that is inescapable; we all arrive at adulthood with wounds and baggage. We’re all at least a little broken. How much effort is put into a wedding ceremony is really irrelevant. What matters is… How whole are the two people pledging their lives to one another?

Ecclesiastes 4:12 NLT A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

Notice that verse doesn’t say, “a triple-braid with a steel strand and two bare threads”.

Our bare threads broke. My emancipation began. The thing about getting married at the ripe old age of twenty-two is that you have no fricking clue who you are. For nearly twenty-eight years I was defined by marriage, motherhood, military life, and all the things attached to those roles. And so, I found myself two years ago without a vehicle. My emancipation hasn’t been a bed of roses, but it’s been fun and surprising. I have a car I love and my next one picked out. I have a home that I love and I’ve furnished it with things I really like. I’ve embraced and enjoyed who I am professionally. I’ve learned that there’s still at least one great fish in the sea. I know who my people are and they are PRICELESS! I know who I am today and my hope is that every day I continue to become a better version of her.

The grief that visited today was for the old couple in that picture. I once dreamed of a future that will never be. Broken dreams are things to be grieved. When I felt the grief welling up in my eyes this morning I took some time to feel it, and then I gave thanks. I’m grateful for our marriage. The good, the bad, and the (sometimes really) ugly all served a purpose. Our marriage produced four pretty decent humans. I’ve had three decades of learning what love is and what it isn’t, what marriage can be and shouldn’t be, what I will tolerate and what I will not, how gracious I can be and how vicious I can be, what I desire in a partner and what I have to offer, and lots of time to grow and heal from the junk I brought into my marriage and the trauma inflicted by it. I can only hope that these last thirty years have been as meaningful for Chad.

Galatians 5:1 It is for freedom that we have been set free…

Living free, with only a few regrets…

Cheers to the kids who said, “I do.” thirty years ago

and to the free man and woman we are today.