Luke 24 But on the first day of the week, at early dawn, the women went to the tomb bringing the spices which they had prepared [to finish anointing the body]. 2 And they found the [large, circular] stone rolled back from the tomb, 3 but when they went inside, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. 4 While they were perplexed and wondering about this, suddenly, two men in dazzling clothing stood near them; 5 and as the women were terrified and were bowing their faces to the ground, the men said to them, “Why are you looking for the living One among the dead? 6 He is not here, but has risen. Remember how He told you, while He was still in Galilee, 7 saying that the Son of Man must be handed over to sinful men, and be crucified, and on the third day rise [from death to life].”
Happy Resurrection Sunday! Jesus rose from the dead so that you and I could have a new life. The empty tomb gives us the hope of redemption, healing, freedom, provison, protection, resurrection, and eternal life. The only requirement from us is belief. If you need more evidence of Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection, I highly recommend listening to Jeremiah Johnston’s speech at Davos this year, or his interview this week (at least watch the last 15min) with Shawn Ryan. He provides mountains of historical and archaelogical evidence and points the viewer to all the places you need to look for verification.
In John 14 Thomas, one of the disciples, is questioning Jesus about how they (Jesus’ followers) will know the way to where Jesus is going. Jesus had just told them that He was about to be crucified, would and instructed them to love each other. Jesus responed to Thomas in verse 6 – “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father (God) except through me.” Earlier in John, Jesus was speaking to a crowd and answering questions about his identity. John 8:31 Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. 32 And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
I encourage you this Easter to seek truth. Whether you’re reading this on a phone or a laptop, you have access to the Bible, all the other religious texts, and millions of archaeological and historical documents. Search. Read. Compare.
Holy Week 2007, while undergoing testing that would lead to being diagnosed with cancer, I heard a sermon on Good Friday that forever changed the days leading up to the Resurrection for me. Then came Lenten Season 2026…
The entire world entered the Lenten season this year after two weeks of trying to digest the things we were reading in the January 30th Epstein files release. All of the conspiracies that got many of us labeled “delusional” in the last decade, are now known facts. What were once called, “conspiracy theories”, are now proven facts. Monsters are real. The fact that they not only continue to walk free, but hold power in all facets of society – Unjust.
On the first Holy Thursday, after the Last Supper, Jesus and the apostles went to the garden of Gethsemane (Luke 22:39-46). It was there that Judas arranged to have Him arrested (Luke 22:47-48). In a moment filled with tension and despair, Jesus experienced profound anguish as He prayed, knowing the trials that lay ahead. As the weight of humanity’s sins pressed down on Him, He sought solace from His disciples, yet found them unable to stay awake and support Him during such a pivotal time. Jesus began Good Friday having spent the night in prison and being mistreated by guards after being betrayed and abandoned by those closest to him (Mark 14:34). The betrayal by Judas not only marked a tragic turning point in the events leading to the crucifixion but also highlighted the stark contrast between loyalty and treachery among His followers. In the early hours of Good Friday, Pontius Pilate (the Roman Governor of Judea) and Herod (the client King of Galilee), each seeking to evade responsibility, sent Jesus back and forth to one another; the final decision on Jesus’ execution rested with Pilate. Pilate and Herod were political enemies who bonded over their collaboration to condemn Jesus. Joseph Caiaphas was the Jewish High Priest. He was a Sadduccee (the wealthy aristocracy), appointed to the political position of High Priest by the Roman Government, worked closely with Pilate, and oversaw the Sanhedrin (A council of 70 or 71 elders, scribes, and priests that functioned as the highest Jewish court). The Sanhedrin didn’t have the legal authority to condemn someone to death. They needed Pilate to do so, and thus they manipulated the political tensions of the time to ensure that the Roman governor would be compelled to pronounce the death sentence, fulfilling the prophecy while also reflecting the depth of human injustice.
1. Pilate knew Jesus was innocent.
“I find no fault in this man.” — Luke 23:4
He repeats this three times (Luke 23:4, 14, 22).
2. Pilate’s wife warned him.
“Have nothing to do with that righteous man, for I have suffered much because of him in a dream today.” — Matthew 27:19
That would’ve rattled any man.
3. Pilate actively tried to release Him.
“Pilate sought to release Him…” — John 19:12
That’s as blunt as it gets. He wanted to let Jesus go.
4. He offered the crowd a way out (Barabbas).
He picked the worst criminal available thinking the people would obviously choose Jesus. They didn’t.
5. He tried to satisfy the crowd with a beating instead of execution.
“So then Pilate took Jesus and had Him flogged.” — John 19:1 This was a political move—he hoped the crowd would be satisfied and he could release Him.
6. He ultimately feared the crowd and Rome more than doing what was right.
The Jewish leaders said:
“If you release this man, you are no friend of Caesar.” — John 19:12 That was a political threat. Pilate folded.
7. He washed his hands to show he didn’t want His blood.
“I am innocent of this man’s blood.” — Matthew 27:24
That’s the move of a man who wants out but has no backbone left.
Ten days into 2026 Lent, we went to war with Iran. I want this to be an essay and not a novel, so I won’t delve into all the reasons this war is unjust. But it’s unjust. And before anyone jumps into my comments stating all the reasons Iran needs a regime change, I don’t want to hear it. War destroyed my family. War turned what had been a home filled with joy and peace into a breeding ground for trauma. Unless you can justify the amount of death and destruction American military families have dealt with fighting foreign wars, please keep your opinions to yourself. I’m not Pilate. You will not change my mind.
The first time my ex-husband disappeared and turned his phone off was 12 years ago. After he retired from the military and we moved to Florida in 2016, it became a regular occurrence. Somewhere in those years I began a practice of saying, “Thank you God, for shining light in the dark” before my feet hit the floor each morning. Some days it’s followed up with things like, “Expose it ALL!”, “Expose THEM all!”, or “Hold me if what’s hidden is going to hurt!”, but the intent of my little morning prayer is always the same… Let there be light!
Almost every Lenten season in the last fifteen years, there has been a repentance and forgiveness box in my house that gets burned between Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday. This year, right next to it is my little sign that says, “God Keeps His Promises”. He does, but with the state of the world I need to be reminded daily.
Everything in our reality is currently chaotic. AI has made it impossible to know what is true and what is generated. Algorithms feed everyone a confirmation bias that divide us with every glance at a screen. The sun has been throwing a tantrum for the last year and the radiation it keeps shooting at the planet is causing earthquakes an dormant volcanoes to wake up with a vengeance. Our magnetic poles can’t decide where they’re supposed to be. Comets and meteors keep showing up in our galaxy and getting a little too close for comfort. There are things showing up in the skies around the world that shouldn’t be there. Documents on all the ways our government has experimented on and manipulated our nation have been declassified. And then there are wars, and rumors of wars… In the 30 days between the Israel/US attack on Iran, and 2026 Palm Sunday, the amount of light that’s shone in the darkness has been hard to keep up with or process. We have access to more information than any human could digest in a lifetime and all of it makes your head spin trying to figure out who is fighting on the side of good and who is fighting on the side of evil. Everywhere I go, I see people who are struggling to wrap their heads around it all. My heart aches for each and every person who is just now seeing the crazy matrix we live in. The only consolation is that there is a reliable source of comfort in the chaos. That source of comfort is this -All that is being revealed is indisputable evidence that God does indeed keep his promises. He said that nothing would be hidden and that He would expose EVERYTHING. (Luke 8:17, Mark 4:22) (Luke 12:2-4) (Job 12:22, Daniel 2:22) (John 1:5) (1 Corinthians 4:5) (Ephesians 5:11-14)
The barrage of light shining in the darkness has led to one extraordinary Holy Week. Most conversations I’ve had this week have been filled with stories of breakthrough, healing, both painful and encouraging revelations, deep loss, and monumental gain. Friends, family, world events, neighborhood chatter – nothing about this week has been ordinary. In our house, Holy Week started a day early. On March 28th, my baby girl (who’d been happy all day) burst into tears and said that she was “so sad” and that she “wouldn’t see Gumbo the dog anymore because he died”. I texted my son who was at his Dad’s with Gumbo and asked if Gumbo was okay. He looked for Gumbo and found that he’d drowned in the pool. Gumbo would’ve been 18 on June 1st and he’s been with us since he was 5 weeks old. He was dearly loved! It broke my heart that my son had to find him and I didn’t want him to be alone all weekend, so Sof and I got ready to make the 45min drive to be with him. My ex sent several messages stating that I was not allowed at his house unless he was home. When I asked our oldest son if he would go be with his brother, I learned that my ex had portrayed himself as a victim to our oldest kiddos after his wages were garnished several months ago because he was many thousands of dollars in arrears on support. I never said anything to any of them. Their parents’ finances and court orders are not things I ever wanted my kids to even think about. But this is the cost of war. It’s unjust! I drop more post-its in the forgiveness and repentance box and glance at my little sign. Comfort. God keeps his promises.
Sweet Gumbo
Palm Sunday was spent with Dr. Steven Greer. That’s an essay in itself. Monday through Thursday were filled with long-awaited business opportunities (I’ve been un/self-employed for six months), extraordinary moments and sunsets with people I love dearly, and clarity on my next steps. Extraordinary. Holy.
And then came Good Friday. This the day we reflect on Jesus’ crucifixion. It’s also the day my baby girl turned 21. TWENTY-ONE!! Unless she lives to be 100, there are only two times in her life that her birthday will fall on Good Friday. What a year to have a birthday on the day that gives every promise of hope, healing, restoration, grace, redemption, and resurrection! This is only the third week she’s been able to spend with her dad this year. He sent a message saying that I could come over while he was out for a couple of hours, but after the directives a few days ago to not be at his house when he’s not there, it felt like a trap. Our daughter was threatened with trespassing charges a couple months ago, so yeah… We’ll wait and have a Resurrection/21st birthday party on Sunday. Considering that Jesus’ crucifixion is estimated to have taken place on April 3rd, it actually seems quite fitting and just to celebrate her April 3rd birthday on the third day.
This week of high-highs, low-lows, mind-boggling global events, and hundreds of post-its dropped in my forgiveness box, has led me to study and think deeply about the very first Holy Week. In the hours leading up to the Crucifixion, Jesus’ experienced more betrayal, abuse, vulnerability, doubt, and pain than most of us can imagine experiencing in a lifetime. It was all necessary, but it was so damn brutal and it was extraordinarily unjust.
One of the first verses I ever memorized was John 3:16 – For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”Romans 3:23
“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”Romans 6:23
“but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”Romans 5:8
“if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Romans 10:9
With all that has been hidden coming into the light, there is so much to break down and analyze about every single detail of history that has led the human race to this place and time. There is still so much that’s unknown and every truth revealed leads to a dozen more questions about what hasn’t. I don’t know about you, but right now I hunger for absolute truths and some-semblance of certainty more than any other time in my life. No matter what I learn, what makes sense in this world, or what doesnt, God has proven to me that He is true to His Word. I was miraculously healed from the cancer I was diagnosed with in 2007. All of my needs have always been met. He’s given me peace that surpasses all understanding, made a way in the wilderness, shown me my path, parted seas, closed and opened doors to protect me from myself, exposed SO much that was hidden, and proven time and time again that His justice surpasses man’s. Those verses above are not just filler. They are the closest thing I’ve found to absolute truth and certainty. Historical and archeological evidence have proven that Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection, fulfilled over 300 prophecies and an estimated 150 Biblical prophecies have been fulfilled in just the last few years. What has been proven historically, and the things He’s done for me personally, are the truth and certainty that satisfy my hunger.
The hope to get through the extraordinarily brutal and chaotic time we’re living in is really as simple as the path laid out in the verses above.
Do your own research into historical prophecies and fulfillment. Reflect on what you are grateful for and what is true. Once you believe, say it to someone. Those are really the only requirements, but if you want all the good stuff that comes with believing, the gifts do have some strings attached.
Galatians 5:1 Christ set us free so that we could enjoy freedom! So stand firm, and don’t get tied down again by the chains of slavery.
Repentance equals freedom and it literally means, “To turn away from”. Repent. Truly repent. Find a quiet place where you can be alone with God and lay it all out to Him. Write it down and then burn it or shred it if you need to. Make your own box to burn if you need to. Accept that God’s grace covers your messes and let it go. Fake repentace will never lead you to the freedom that was promised you. True repentance leads to freedom.
Forgive. Repentance and forgiveness go hand in hand. Yes, I know forgiveness is HARD. I’ve dropped hundreds of post-its into my forgiveness and repentance box in the last few weeks that all start with, “I forgive him for…”. It seems like every time I feel like I’ve finally forgiven and let go of one painful thing, there’s something new to lay down. So I start forgiving again. Side bar about forgiveness – one of my hardest life lessons has been accepting that no matter how many times in life I take responsibility for my crap and apologize to people, I may never get an apology from the people who’ve hurt me. Yes, the absence of remorse and apologies is unjust. I choose to forgive them anyway. Forgiveness sets me free. I give grace because I need grace. We all do. Vengeance is God’s. Let Him take care of them. He was gracious enough to allow His Son to take on the weight of the world so that we don’t have to carry all the things that others do to us. Lay it down. Forgive them.
Jesus’ Crucifixion involved severe torture, including a brutal scourging, being nailed through the wrists and feet to a wooden cross, and being forced to carry the weight of that cross on his back to the site where He knew He would be murdered. He hung there naked, bleeding, in agony, being ridiculed and scoffed at. He was crucified between two thieves, endured mockings, suffered asphyxiation after his lungs were pierced. As he hung there watching bystanders bidding on his clothes that had been torn off, he said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34) One of the thieves hanging next to Him confessed that he was a criminal that deserved to die. He then said that Jesus was an innocent man an asked to be remembered in Jesus’ kingdom. Jesus’ reply was breathtakingly beautiful – “Truly I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.” (Luke 23:40-43) In the last hour of His life, Jesus cried out to God from the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken (abandoned) me in my time of need?” (Matthew 27:46) died after roughly six hours on what is calculated to have been Friday, April 3, 33 AD. Jesus was beaten, tortured, mocked, exposed, demoralized, insulted, abused, and felt abandoned. He showed us with the thief hanging next to Him that it’s never too late to believe. The thief had no time left to change his life. He gave him grace anyway. He forgave his murderers who continued to torment him until the very end. He asked God to forgive the crowd as they cheered for his death. He felt abandoned, but until His last breath still acknowledged God as His Father. He showed us that there is no wrong too big to be forgiven, and that repentance and belief in Him are ours for the taking until our last breath. He modeled that our identity as children of God is absolute, no matter how beaten down, exposed, or tattered our souls are. His last words were, “Father, into your hands I entrust my spirit.” (Luke 23:46) He did it all so that we don’t have to carry the weight of all the ugliness of this world on our shoulders. How beautifully unjust!
Sofija is home and I’m still sifting through the dozen or so blog posts that are running around in my head. While I’m sorting my thoughts and seeking wisdom in what I share, I want to address something that has repeatedly come up since I first began sharing our struggles. Between the messages and emails I’ve received from people sharing their opinions and the ones from people sharing their own struggles, I’ve received another kind of message. Many people read my blog who have no connection to adoption or autism or mental illness. Several of those people have written to me with sincere questions. Things like, “Why is she so aggressive?”, “Why does she hurt you?”, and “What exactly is wrong with her?” Please don’t stop asking questions. Questions beg answers and answers give me an opportunity to educate. I like to educate.
The Bible is packed full of orphan references and I have to be honest. Until adoption was a part of my life, I always skimmed over those verses with the prideful thought that they applied to someone else. Going through the adoption process I scoured scripture for verses that may prepare me to love my daughter. Within days of meeting her, I realized that I was just as orphaned as she was.
Let’s compare me as an adopted daughter of God to the little girl who joined our family through adoption:
– My daughter doesn’t trust my love. She doubts every promise I make. She keeps waiting for me to stop loving her; for me to fail. / Yep. I can relate.
– My daughter puts her hands over her ears and hums when I’m trying to tell her how much I love her and how precious she is. / It is a daily struggle to believe anything God’s word says about my worth. I stay busy and keep my environment noisy to block out His voice.
– She also puts her hands over her ears, hums, and closes her eyes immediately after asking for something she really wants. She’s preparing herself for disappointment and she often misses my “Yes” because she’s not looking or listening. / Story of my life.
– My daughter hurts herself and puts herself in dangerous situations and then apologizes to me for not loving herself. / All. The. Time.
– My daughter runs away from the place and people who love and protect her. / More times than I can count.
– My daughter resists all rules that we try to put in place to teach her and keep her safe. / I hate rules.
– My daughter will repeat a bad choice over and over and over again without learning from her mistake. / Grrrrr
– My daughter hurts other people because she is afraid of being hurt. She always wants to be in control so she hurts others before they have a chance to hurt her. / This one is not a huge struggle for me. However, I will openly confess that I’ve been there, done that.
– My daughter will be destructive in order to escape a situation where she isn’t in control. / Been there, done this one too…
– My daughter will lash out at me in order to get my attention. / I really wish I didn’t relate to this, but I do. It’s sad how often I forget that I have God’s undivided attention.
– My daughter will try to hide from me when she knows she’s done something wrong. / Dangit. This is another “more times than I can count” offense.
– She screams and fights and does everything she can think of to get out of a vehicle when she doesn’t know where we’re going. She’s so afraid that we’re going to take her some place scary and unfamiliar and because she doesn’t trust us to provide or protect, she fights. / I look forward to the day when she is as tired as I am of trying to escape the journey.
I could probably list out a dozen more ways that I relate to my daughter’s orphan heart. For those wondering why she does what she does or what exactly is wrong with her, it all boils down to that one thing… the heart of an orphan. Autism has removed her filters. She doesn’t know that the socially acceptable thing to do is try to hide her orphan heart. So all her struggles are out in the open. If you haven’t caught on, I prefer “out in the open”. I crave transparency and I thank God for giving me a girl who leaves all her brokenness out where I can see it.
If you can’t relate to me and my girl, I apologize for wasting a few minutes of your time. If you can relate, just know that you’re in good company. Two of my favorite people in scripture are Esther and Moses. Both orphans. Both changed the course of history. U.S. Presidents Andrew Jackson, Herbert Hoover, and Alexander Hamilton were orphans; as were first lady Eleanor Roosevelt and Nelson Mandela. Tolkien and Tolstoy… orphans. Babe Ruth… lived his entire childhood in an orphanage. Steve Jobs… orphaned and adopted as a baby.
Being an orphan (or even having an orphan heart) should not define anyone. My daughter has many struggles and I will continue to do everything in my power to help her overcome those struggles for as long as I have breath. Those struggles do not define her. Just as my own struggles do not define me. And just as your struggles should not define you. Sofija was created in the image of God. She is wonderfully made. He has a plan for her future. Plans to give her hope and to prosper her. She was created to overcome. All those things also apply to me… and to YOU. You want to know something amazing? Even if you don’t believe it all, it’s still true. And just like I refuse to give up on my daughter, God refuses to give up on any of us.
This little girl was an orphan. Now she’s my daughter.
Now go watch a Batman, Spiderman, Superman, or James Bond movie. They’re all orphans and they all make it really hard for people to love them. But… their stories all end well.
I’ve experienced a roller coaster of emotions this week. While I was at home breathing easy over the news that I DO NOT have cancer, my precious still-a-little-broken baby girl was busy at school taking down four staff members and giving her lead teacher a concussion. On the same day that I talked to my doctor about possible surgery dates that would give me time to heal before that baby girl’s school year ends, I faced the reality that her “school year” may be over in the terms of her actually leaving the house for a few hours a day.
And then, in the midst of the roller-coaster of emotions and seeking wisdom on baby girl’s school placement and dealing with an achy uterus, I was told some things yesterday that punched me in the gut.
“You are a narcissist and a hypocrite! You lack the ability to be truthful and you have no place doing any Christian counseling with anyone… Don’t blog or write anymore as your words are meaningless and untrue!”
It’s always interesting to me how those type of character attacks come when there is ZERO energy (or even motivation) left to defend myself. But you know what? I think there’s a reason for that. I think God wants us to have ZERO energy for defending ourselves so that we can lean into Him. So that we are forced to choose what we are going to believe. I also don’t think it’s any accident that the character attack came at the same time I am being forced to choose what I believe about daughter.
So, for the record, I choose TRUTH. I choose to only believe the things that the Word of God says about me and my child. I choose to believe that God has given me a platform with this blog and that when someone is blessed by something I write, my purpose is fulfilled and HE is glorified. I choose to give GOD credit for any good that anyone sees in me.
TRUTH: Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for Sofija and Kaci,”says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give my girls a future and a hope.” ~My baby girl is going to be just fine. No matter what her school environment looks like, it will be a good thing. No ifs. No ands. No buts.
Matthew 10:31 So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. ~See all those birds? You, me, and my baby girl…. we’re more valuable to God than that whole dang flock.
2 Corinthians 12:10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the INSULTS, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ~ This is why I’m pretty confident God allows character attacks at times when I don’t have the time or energy to work it out on my own. “…when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Romans 8:28 For we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. ~We’re all going to be okay around here and you’re going to be okay wherever you are and whatever it is that you’re walking through. There is no guarantee that life will be easy for those who follow Christ. There is however a guarantee that EVERYTHING will work together for your good. I need to mention that sometimes “your good” doesn’t look like what you imagined it would look like. It just doesn’t. But that doesn’t make it less good. It’s just different good.
John 1:12 But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. ~ Did you read that? “…children of God.” That’s right, y’all. Me and my girl… We’re royalty. We’re daughters of a king. There is nothing that anybody can say that will ever change that.
A couple of years ago, Prince Harry was caught on camera, sans pants, in Vegas. For the Prince, what happened in Vegas, did not stay in Vegas. Within hours the crown jewels were all over the internet and people were calling him all sorts of bad names. You know what he did? He got up the next morning, put on a suit and tie, and continued to be a Prince. As crazy as it may sound, I want to be like Harry. Okay maybe I don’t want the world to see me in my birthday suit through the lens of a cellphone camera. But I do want to get up everyday, clothe myself in a suit of armor, and remember that no matter what anyone says about me (or to me), I am a daughter of a king.
Ephesians 6:13-17 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm.Stand your ground, putting on the BELT OF TRUTH and the body armor of God’s righteousness.For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News (the Bible) so that you will be fully prepared.In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
In the book of Joshua (in the Bible) the Israelites FINALLY get to cross the Jordan River and enter the Promised Land. In the process of crossing the river, the Lord speaks to Joshua and tells him to have one man from each of the twelve tribes go back and gather a stone. They are to carry the stone on their shoulder to the place where they stayed the night (in the middle of the riverbed that God had dried out just for them). The stones were to serve as a reminder that God cut off the flow of the water just so they could walk into the territory that had been promised to them. Hope I haven’t lost you, but this story is extremely significant to me at the moment. You see….
From 1998-2000 our family lived in a little Korean city called Tongduchon (I’m quite certain I spelled it wrong.) Those two years opened my eyes to something that I previously had no idea was going on in this great big world. I could not walk one block down the streets of Tongduchon without recognizing that all around me, women were living in slavery. I began to build relationships with girls from the Philippines who were promised the world by a woman or man who brought them to Korea and held their passports while forcing them into prostitution. My friends and I did what we could to help the girls make money outside of “the clubs” and we successfully raised money to buy the freedom of a few who were able to return home to their families. What we did never felt like enough.
While living in Korea we vacationed in Thailand. If my eyes had not been opened to the sex-trade in Korea, they had no choice but to acknowledge its ugliness in Thailand. Everywhere we went we saw older white men walking around with young Thai children that they had purchased for their time in the country. While shopping we would have flyers thrust at us by children with price lists of the sexual acts they were willing to perform. Thailand was one of my most beautiful and disgusting life experiences all rolled into one package. At the time I was five months pregnant with Seth and I cried myself to sleep on several occasions over the thought of bringing another life into a world that contained such ugliness. My heart ached for those children. Where were their mothers? I could not imagine anything I could do that would ever be enough.
In the last few months of our time in Korea we noticed a change happening in the business of sexual slavery. When we first arrived the girls were mostly Filipino. By the time we left, they were mostly Russian and Eastern European. It was a very strange phenomena to be in a place where you rarely saw anyone who looked like you and then come across someone who did and not be able to communicate with them. The Filipino girls always spoke English. The new girls did not.
A pimp rented out the apartment above us and filled it with seven or eight of these girls. My heart ached. I watched them come and go. I watched the Johns (mostly American soldiers) come and go. I heard screaming and crying through our ceiling. I smiled at them and took them cookies and brownies and ached for a conversation. Once again, I felt overwhelmed. What could I ever do that would be enough to erase the ugliness of what these girls were experiencing?
Something else happened while we lived in Korea. Several of our friends adopted children. A dialogue on the possibility of us adopting in the future began. A dialogue that eventually led us to the home of the girls who lived on the other side of my ceiling in Korea. A dialogue that led us to Sofija.
If you’ve read this blog for any amount of time you know it began as a way of documenting our adoption process. Throughout our adoption journey I never took the time to document all that took place in our lives leading up to the day Sofija found us. I find it so entertaining that we just knew she was meant to be ours when we learned about her even though we had no clue where in the world she lived. When we did find out that she was in Serbia we actually had to look at a map to see exactly where that was. And… it wasn’t until we were in Serbia (hearing the spoken language) that I began to realize that the girls living in slavery in Korea, the girls whose floor was our ceiling, must’ve come from there.
The day we met Sofija we were asked if we planned to prostitute her. It had never crossed my mind that someone might suspect we had bad intentions for her. But for the people who loved her in Serbia, such a fate was a very real possibility. We spent three weeks in Serbia seeing things through gray-cloudy lenses. The food was great. The people were beautiful. The oppression was heavy and real. There was this feeling I got anytime I was close to the girls living in slavery in Korea. The air around me would thicken. It took an extra effort just to walk or breathe or speak. It was like being under water. I felt the same thing when I saw the children in Thailand. For the entire three weeks that we were in Serbia, that feeling never lifted. I felt the yoke of slavery.
I also felt the disgrace of discrimination. People looked at us everywhere we went. Not because we looked different or spoke a different language. But because we had two children with us who are autistic. They make noises. They jump around and rock and spin and flap their arms and tap things and sniff things. People stared with disgust. We looked and looked and looked some more, but we never once saw another person in public that had any special needs. They were hidden.
Last year I returned to Serbia and had the honor of getting to know people who have dedicated their lives to breaking the yokes of slavery and discrimination in Serbia. I met parents who were forced to choose between keeping their child born with special needs and maintaining relationships with their extended family. Those same parents have dedicated their lives to educating their children and taking part in changing laws regarding special needs citizens. And… God gave me the honor of building relationships with people who have a heart to bring His message to their nation.
Which leads me to gathering stones.
While we were in Korea and Thailand and Serbia, I did often feel like I was under water. But you know what? I wasn’t. I was camped out in the middle of a river bed with the waters held back on every side of me. I could feel the pressure and the moisture, but it never consumed me. And now I have an opportunity to gather stones and take them back to that place where God held the waters back.
Those people I met who have a heart to bring God’s message of salvation and hope to Serbia have taken on something BIG. Have you ever seen the movie Faith Like Potatoes? If not, watch it on Netflix NOW! My friends have taken a ‘faith like potatoes’ leap. They have reserved two venues in Serbia for September 21st and 22nd and they have Nick Vujicic coming to speak. If you don’t know about Nick, click on his name above and read his story. He’s AMAZING! Nick was born with no limbs and he’s proven that we are not defined by what the world says we are. He’s proven that there is no special need that God cannot use. He is a bringer of hope. Oh. Did I mention that his parents are Serbian? And… we’re gonna see him at Creation Fest in June!
On May 2nd, 2011, I wrote a post called ‘set up’. Sleep evaded me that night. My heart was aching for the people of Serbia. I was there and I could see a lack of hope, a lack of God’s love, in the eyes of people everywhere I went. It was that night that I begin to beg God for opportunities to bring hope and to bring His love to the people of Serbia. Even if it’s never enough, I want to end this life saying that I gave it my all.
So… will you help me as I pick up a stone and carry it on my shoulder back to Serbia?
We’ve set up a fundraiser through wepay. I’m working this week to transform my blog to accept widgets, but for now the link will have to suffice.
I have spent a year questioning why God stopped Paul (repeatedly) from going through Serbia. Why he made him turn back south from Macedonia and didn’t let him cross the Adriatic Sea to reach Italy will be one of my first ‘Heaven questions’. Whatever God’s reasoning, I do know that he has provided a voice and a time for Serbia to hear His message. The voice is Nick Vujicic and the time is this September.
Today I have found myself struggling with the fast. I woke up excited about the idea of getting creative with Daniel fast-friendly football food and then realized that I had to drive my oldest to a Krispy Kreme fundraiser for her high-school crew club. With no time to dig into the Bible or drop to my knees, I suddenly had two dozen circles of sin sitting on my kitchen counter. How nicely they would go with a hot cup of coffee….
In a desperate attempt to avoid cooking up some bacon and eggs and making myself a feast, I went to my room and began looking for fasting encouragement. I’ve read a ton today, but the devotion at the following link gave me the most motivation.
Lux, Libertas 