I’ve had many big gaps in my blog posts over the last year.  I haven’t stopped writing.  Life has just been a little ugly and the writing I’ve done didn’t need to be shared with the whole wide world.  Some of that ugliness has revolved around Sofija.  She has had big regression in her behavior and many new behaviors have shown up.  Because of our history with having things used against her (and our whole family), I choose not to share the really hard stuff.

My dear hubby sometimes calls me “Tenacious K”.  I don’t give up on things, people, ideas, goals.  I just don’t.  It’s a blessing and it’s a curse, but it’s who I am.  In my tenacity to help Sofija reach her full potential and be the amazing world-changer God created her to be, I have read more books on attachment parenting and parenting traumatized children than most professionals who treat the children diagnosed with RAD and PTSD.  Some of the books I’ve read were obviously written by people who have never actually spent time at home with a child who was neglected and traumatized early in life.  Those books are filled with all these ideals of enforcing consequences and using reasoning and rational thought to parent your adopted child.  Ummm….. have you ever tried to reason with an autistic child who is self-destructing? I have.  They don’t really care what rational thoughts you’re trying to share and it’s almost impossible to come across as rational when you’re chasing them across the street and through the front door of a neighbor who has no clue who you are.  “Come on, Sweetie.  Let’s go home.  It’s not a good idea to run away from Mama when we’re getting in the car and it’s never a good idea to run through the front door of a house where you don’t know the occupants or what weapons they protect their house with.”  Sounds PERFECTLY rational… Right?!

The best books I’ve read are based on the premise that “Love never fails.”  I have always told my children that they “are the only variable in any situation”.  The variable in an algebra equation is the thing that can be manipulated and changed.  None of us has any power to change another person.  We only have the power to change ourselves.  The books that have made a difference in my parenting skills are the ones who remind me that I have to change me and my reactions.  They all say the same thing…. Everything I do is based out of love or based out of fear.  the opposite of love is not hate.  The opposite of love is fear. If I want to react to my children on the basis of love I have to stop worrying about them making bad choices.  I can’t be afraid of what other people think of them or of me as a mother.  I can’t be afraid that they will make the same mistakes in life that I made.  I can’t be afraid that every risky behavior is going to end or drastically alter their lives.  Love and fear just cannot coexist. Period.  1 John 4:18 ESV There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

So…. I’m attempting to react to everyone in my house on the basis of love.  This is not such an easy feat.  I am the oldest of five children.  I’ve always believed that I would not be heard unless I spoke loudly.  My husband is Italian and our last name ends in a vowel.  Yelling is what we do.  But yelling is not loving.  I can’t remember ever feeling loved when someone yelled at me.  I want my children to always feel loved. I have to let go of my fear of not being heard.  I have to let go of my fear that my children will fail epically if I do not speak loud enough to make them stop what they’re doing.  Now that I think about it.  I can’t remember my yelling ever being very effective at stopping them from making bad choices.  It may have made them angry or given them a reason to be sneaky, but it certainly didn’t make them want to be good.

This morning I discovered Orange Rhino Mom.  This woman has four boys and she set out on a mission 421 days ago to not yell for an entire year.  421 days later… she’s still not yelling.  Her journey is amazing and filled with great life lessons.  If you are thinking about starting this love-based, non-yelling journey with me, I encourage you to read her Q&A on getting started and 10 Things She learned When She Stopped Yelling at Her Kids.  

And then… if you’re really serious about joining me on my journey, I encourage you to go to THIS LIST.  Print out several copies.  Laminate them or put them in page protectors and post them in all the places you are likely to have your buttons pushed.  People, if we can’t find a loving alternative to yelling out of the 100 options on that list, then we have absolute confirmation that our children are not the source of our anger or lack of self-control.

Let’s get busy loving our families.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8  Love is patient, love is kind, it isn’t jealous, it doesn’t brag, it isn’t arrogant, it isn’t rude, it doesn’t seek its own advantage, it isn’t irritable, it doesn’t keep a record of complaints, it isn’t happy with injustice, but it is happy with the truth. Love puts up with all things, trusts in all things, hopes for all things, endures all things.  LOVE NEVER FAILS…

Eight years ago today, a woman who had four older children that were all being raised by other mothers, showed up at a hospital in Belgrade, Serbia, in labor.  I do not know her pregnancy story or her delivery story or what led to her being transferred to a psychiatric hospital for two weeks following delivery, or why she never came back to see the baby she delivered.  What I do know, is that in a nation where the abortion rate is nearly triple the birthrate, she chose life for a baby girl who would eventually find her way into my heart.  She gave my daughter life.

My own eighth birthday was one of my favorite.  My Mom bought me the 2-piece bathing suit I’d been eying at the local department store (Godchaux) and my grandmother bought me the biggest frilliest blue dress I’d ever seen and put my hair up in Princess Leia buns.  Lots of cousins and friends and aunts and uncles were there to celebrate me.  I clearly remember feeling special and loved.

Today, my goal is to give Sofija that same assurance.  I want the little girl who does not have a clear story of the beginning of her life to have a clear knowledge that she is a gift from God.  I want her to know that she is incredibly, unconditionally, loved.  I’m making her the chocolate cupcakes and macaroni and cheese she requested and I’ll gladly buy her a big bag of funny-ons (Funyons).

I wish I could thank the lady who gave her life.  I wish I could tell her that no matter how hard it was to carry Sofija in her womb and deliver her into this world, she did the right thing.  She did a good thing.

In honor of Sofija’s eight years of life, I ask that you take a few moments and read THIS POST by fellow special needs adoptive blog Mommy Adeye.  James 1:27 NLT Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means CARING FOR ORPHANS and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. (emphasis mine)

Sofija still wears the scars of being left in her own waste.   Her voice closely resembles someone who smokes a carton of cigarettes a day presumably because of the countless hours she cried as a baby with nobody to respond to her cries.  She carries the emotional wounds and subsequent behaviors of a child who lacked nurturing in the crucial early years of her life.  And yet…. she is a gift.  She has blessed our family and everyone who has the privilege of knowing her.  I believe that she has an amazing life ahead of her.

Psalm 127:3 Children are a gift from the Lord;
they are a reward from him. 

Thank you, Sofija’s birth Mom, for giving our daughter the gift of life.  Happy 8th Birthday, Baby Girl!  It’s an honor to have you call me, “Mama”.  I pray that today you feel special.  That you feel celebrated.  That you know without a doubt, that you are incredibly LOVED.

Someone traveling to Ghana next week to get their daughter needs some input on getting their visas. If you’ve adopted from Ghana or know someone who has, please comment with an email address. Thanks!

I just read this really great post over at www.snagglebox.com.  It’s titled 17 Things The Princess Bride Taught Me About Autism Parenting. 

Read it.  Learn.  Enjoy.

I received the following announcement from the anti-trafficking organization in Serbia.  Every victory counts and this one is a BIG WIN!  I can’t wait to be travel there in May and speak at a conference on human-trafficking…. God is moving mountains!

First instance judgment issued to an organized criminal group for trafficking in human beings

Special Department of the Higher Court in Belgrade, Serbia has issued first-instance judgment finding four persons guilty as co-perpetrators of trafficking in human beings, Article 388 Para 7 in connection with Para 1 and 3 of the Criminal Code of Serbia. Members of the group are accused of recruiting girls from Serbia on several occasions during 2011, transferring them to Italy, where they were kept against their will and sexually exploited. For less than a year, six girls, including two who were underage, fall victims to human trafficking in this way. The court sentenced the accused M.M to prison term of 15 years, whereas Ž.S was sentenced to 13 years, P.T. to 10.5 and V.Đ. to 10 years in prison. If the judgment becomes final and enforceable, they will also be required to pay the amount of EUR 55,000 to the budget of the Republic of Serbia on the account of gain acquired through committing the offense. This is one of the strictest penalties rendered to human traffickers in Serbia so far.

Work on this case is an example of successful cooperation of the Prosecutor’s Office for Organized Crime, Counter-Organized Crime Service and Higher Prosecutor’s Office in Belgrade. Since appropriate penalizing of perpetrator is necessary in order to combat human trafficking, we hope that this judgment will be affirmed by the higher court. This is the first human trafficking case accepted by the Prosecutor’s Office for Organized Crime after long time. As trafficking is a serious and organized crime, we hope to see more examples of good practice in prosecution and punishment of human traffickers.

Sofija has this new fascination with going through the pantry and reading every single label on every single package.  Out loud.  It’s quite annoying precious.

For the last two days she’s been sick.  She and her sister and her big brother are all sick. I started suspecting yesterday that they have strep so I made appointments for all three of them to see the doctor this morning.  While we were sitting there waiting for the results of the rapid strep tests, Sofija threw her hands up and announced, “I want to eat the sea!”  I asked her if she was just being silly.  She responded by throwing her hands up again and exclaiming, “No!  I want to eat OF THE SEA!”  As I sat there wondering if the pediatrician was thinking that my daughter is completely out of touch with reality, she said it again.  “I want to eat OF THE SEA.”  At that point I asked her if she was talking about tuna.  “Yes, Mama!  I want to eat tuna OF THE SEA.”  Remember that episode of Newlyweds where Jessica Simpson didn’t know that Chicken of the Sea was tuna? Yep.  That’s exactly where my mind went.  Sofija knew it was tuna.  Just sayin’.

Last Sunday we had a missionary from the Middle East visiting our church.  The man brought it!
One thing he said was that “Success in the public place is always tied to success in the secret place.”  I jotted it down, said an “Amen” and filed it somewhere in the back of my thoughts.

And then this morning, the first thing that popped up in my Facebook news feed was a post by Priscilla Shirer on the importance of spending time in “the secret place”.

In both instances, the secret place refers to getting alone and listening to God.  For a talker like myself, this is one area that I really struggle with.  I’ve been doing a 100 Days of Discipline Bible reading plan where I read a chapter a day and then journal about what I get from that chapter.  I’m also doing three Bible studies and attempting to read at least one book a week.  I pray (I do all the talking) as soon as I wake up.  By the time I’m done with my prayer time, Bible reading, journaling, and daily Bible study work, I’m trying to figure out how on earth I can accomplish half the stuff on my daily to-do list and still do a halfway decent job of being a wife and mom.

My “secret place” is very much driven by me with little room for listening.  When I was in college and running from God I decided to explore Buddhism.  My exploration didn’t go very far.  I was an emotional/spiritual mess at the time and my first attempt at meditation confirmed that it just wasn’t for me.  The last place I wanted to be was alone with myself in silence.

The difference between then and now is that I know I am never “alone with myself”.  God is ALWAYS present.  When I sit alone in a quiet place I am absolutely certain that Big Daddy, my brother Jesus, and my Mama’s voice (aka Holy Spirit) are all right there in the room with me.  The problem is that I haven’t done a very good job at shutting up and listening to them.  Which brings me to today…

With Sunday’s sermon and this morning’s Facebook message ringing in my head, I went through my morning and early afternoon finding myself longing to shut off all the noisemakers in the house and lock myself in my room.  Both of my girls were home sick today and I needed to be a nurturer.  See the conflict?  I awoke this morning, read my chapter of the day and jumped into the day without praying or journaling.  I was driving on an empty tank.

At the point in the day where I started praying out loud for God to PLEEEEZZE make Sofija fall asleep for a couple of hours, someone threw a hand grenade at me that completely caught me off guard.  I was told that I do not have the capacity or the ability to live out the life God has given me.  I immediately made it clear that only God has the power to define me and that my worth is found in Him alone.  And then… I sat alone in my room and listened.

The first thing I heard was “Be Quiet!”  Kinda funny since that’s exactly what I was doing already.  Before I could take much pleasure in the fact that I was already doing what Big Daddy wanted me to do I heard the words, “… for the rest of the day.”

With four kids, a husband, and a house guest, I had a hard time deciding if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  Hooray for not having to answer the same question twenty times before the day is over!  Boo for not being able to tell anybody what to do and how to do it!

Before I made my very short vow of silence official I made sure that it’s a Biblical thing to do.  I’m a little fanatical about testing everything against the Word of God.

My search for silence in scripture led me to…

Ecclesiastes 3:7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak. ~which also gave me a little more confirmation on the post from yesterday.

And… Matthew 27:12-14 But when the leading priests and the elders made their accusations against him, Jesus remained silent. “Don’t you hear all these charges they are bringing against you?” Pilate demanded. But Jesus made no response to any of the charges, much to the governor’s surprise.

So here I sit, biting my tongue and missing the sound of my voice.  In the last three hours I’ve written a few notes to my kids and had a couple of text conversations.  There are three hours left in the day and as painful as it may be I am going to give those three hours to God.

Say a prayer.  Wish me luck.  Think about me.  This isn’t going to be easy, but I have high hopes that something great will come from it.

In 2002 our family moved from Colorado Springs, CO to Columbus, GA.  While the kids and I were getting settled in to our new home, the man of the house spent a couple of months at an Army school in Virginia.  He came home from that school with a new BFF (best-friend for those of you who didn’t pass notes in school).  This guy had been in the school with him and just happened to be settling in Columbus when the school was over.  At the end of this guy’s first visit with our family my jaw hurt from smiling so much.  My husband chose well.  I patted him on the back and told him how proud I was of his taste in friends. Guess what?  Eleven years later that friend is still an encourager, sounding board, and voice of reason to my dear hubby.

When my daughter was in kindergarten we had a common play area behind our house.  There were two little girls the same age as her who lived on the street behind us.  My daughter wanted so badly to be friends with those two girls.  On more occasions than I care to count she would come home from playing in the common area with tears streaming down her face.  At the ripe old age of five those two little girls were MEAN.  They would say stuff like, “Your dress is ugly so we aren’t going to play with you today.”  or “We’ve been friends for two years and you just moved here so you can’t play with us.” or “You’re ugly because you don’t have long blonde hair like ours.”

I’m not going to lie, the Mama-bear in me marched out there more than once and threatened to beat the daylights out of them and gave those girls a talking-to.  But, on most occasions I sat my daughter down and talked to her about the importance of choosing your friends wisely.  I explained to her that those girls may be great friends to her some day, but until we could see that they wanted to play nicely she needed to avoid playing with them.  I told her about the difference between loving all people and having relationships with all people.  I taught her all about the word ‘toxic’ and told her that we have to love toxic people but that we could love them without building relationships with them.

The little girl whose tears I wiped is now an amazing 18-year-old young woman.  I can’t say that she has never been hurt by her friends, but I can proudly say that when it comes to the people she has built friendships with, she has ALWAYS chosen well.  My daughter has friends who bring out the best of her character and help her develop her talents.  She is going to change the world for the better and many of the friends she has chosen along her path are going to be by her side as she does it.

This morning I sat in a room with a dozen women who are all doing the Kelly Minter Bible study on Nehemiah.  We are in week three of the study and the content is A-MA-ZING.  If you’re looking for a study on doing great things for God, I can highly recommend this one.  I’ve heard sermons on Nehemiah and read Nehemiah and read books on Nehemiah.  Every single time I explore that book of the Bible I find a new take-away.  This time around, I’m learning SOOOO much.  One of my favorite take-aways this week was the realization that Shallum (the ruler of Jerusalem at the time) and his DAUGHTERS built a section of the wall around the city.  Hooray for women fortifying and protecting cities and changing the world!

Back to the women in the room with me this morning…  As I looked around and listened and paid attention, I got a bit choked up.  The women in that room were A-MA-ZING.  Actually they ARE amazing.  The past tense of their amazingness is not appropriate.  They are very much awesome in the present tense.  I drove home from the study with one of those smiles just like I had the day I met my husband’s friend.  I am not just studying Nehemiah with these women.  A few of the women in that room are actually living out the book of Nehemiah with me.  Just like we are told the builders of the wall had to do, we are digging out the rubble in our lives and stepping out of our comfort zones.  We are DAUGHTERS working together to build our own little section of fortification around our city.

When I got home I sat down for a few minutes to catch up on Google Reader.  This is kind of a joke.  I will likely never catch up.  There are just too many amazing writers out there contributing their talent to cyberspace.  I scrolled through the 155 unread posts of blogs that I follow in search of a couple that might inspire me before I went to my lunch meeting.  I opened one that looked promising and found my way to this… http://www.bible-knowledge.com/bible-friends/  I just love how we can end up at the exact place we need to be when God is speaking to us about something.

If you click on the link above and read the post, I ask that you click the link on the bottom and read part 2 (it’s packed with scripture).  The Bible has SOOO much to say about the importance of who we build relationships with.

I’ve shared before that my husband and I pray constantly for God to sever relationships that are destructive or even distracting from what we are supposed to be doing.  We also pray for God to build divine relationships that are going to push us towards His plan for our lives.  I realized yesterday when I was reading Nehemiah 2 & 3 that we are actually just asking God to help us build our section of the wall… Dig out the rubble, add the bricks and mortar.  Amen.

This is really more of a journal entry declaring my age than it is a post of entertainment or encouragement.  Feel free to stop reading now.

For more than a decade I’ve gone through our annual healthcare benefits guide the minute it arrives in the mailbox with the hope that our insurance had decided to cover corrective vision surgery.  Each year, I’ve been disappointed.  Several months ago my husband suggested that we just budget for it.  So we did.  And today I had my two-hour evaluation to see if I qualify.

I walked through the doors of the vision center SOOO excited.  I’ve worn contacts and glasses for the last 24 years and as I sat to fill out the stack of forms they gave me all I could think about is that this will be the year I get to open my eyes under water and actually see.  No more getting sand on my contacts at the beach.  No more grasping around on my nightstand for my glasses first thing every morning.  All my dreams of eye-freedom are about to come true.  Hip. Hip. Hooray!

On the last form I find this… “Schedule allowing, would you be interested in undergoing surgery on the same day as your evaluation.  YES  X   NO      Maybe    ” Heck yea!

First three or four tests were done and the tech says that my corneas are thick enough and my vision just bad enough, but not too bad to qualify me for Lasik surgery.  I’m in.  And the doctor’s schedule permitting, I might actually be living out my vision-freedom by the end of the day.

And then… the flippin’ joy stealer doctor comes in and says that she’s going to do a few more tests, but she is fairly certain that having surgery on both of my eyes would be a bad option for me.  Evidently I need bifocals.  Having surgery on both of my eyes would mean that I have to wear prescription reading glasses for reading, driving, using a computer and basically anything else that requires me to actually see.  She recommended that I have Lasik correction done only on my dominant eye and enjoy the benefits of mono-vision.  The premise is that my left eye will be corrected to see distance and my right eye will be left alone so that I can use it to read.  And… I will still get to wear glasses with a prescription for distance in the right lens and a blank left lens.  She then tried to wrap it all up in a pretty package by telling me how much money I will save by only having surgery on one eye.  Thanks, joy-stealer.  I’m so glad your concerned with my bank account.  I’m sure that saved money will make me feel alllll better when I’m laying on the beach this summer wearing my one-eyed glasses.  Thanks alot.

So now, I’m laying on the couch at home, wearing those ridiculous roll-up sunglasses over my crazy dilated eyes, and trying not to puke from the effects of wearing one contact for the past few hours with the hope that I’ll love the idea of mono-vision.

This aging thing…. It kinda sucks.