Author: kacinpoint

You know how some people have meticulously organized drawers and closets, while others have meticulously clean countertops and furniture? Well, my drawers and closets are pretty organized.

crying over spilled milk

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Today began with my third consecutive way-too-early morning.  I like watching the sunrise, but three days in a row for a night owl like myself, this is just a little ridiculous.  In my ultra-tired state I fed the two stimmers and my dear hubby (who had foot surgery two days ago) breakfast and hoped for an hour of peace and a morning nap.  While they were eating I checked my email and found the following message from the nurse at my endo’s office…

Hi Ms Calvaresi:
The labs are back, I will have Dr Brackbill the on call fellow review. Them
in his note Dr hoang said he wanted to keep your TSH target between .5-1.0
right now the TSH is 0.024 we will see what Dr Brackbill will say.
I place a t-con to him, let me know if he does not call you.
Take care
lidia

So… that explains the heart palpitations, exhaustion, and constant tears I’ve been experiencing for a couple of months.

Immediately after receiving confirmation that I’m not healthy, Sofija asked for a cup of milk.  One of her favorite stims is to shake any container holding liquid right next to her head.  So, unless we’re sitting at the table she still drinks from sippy cups.  As I went to put the lid on her cup of milk, she grabbed at the cup, knocking it over and spilling milk all over the countertop, floor, refrigerator, and stove.  I screamed and immediately felt tears spilling from my eyes.  The words I screamed were, “Why did you do that?  Why couldn’t you wait for me to put the lid on it and hand it to you?  Now look what you’ve done!”  As she ran crying to her Tata’s side on the couch and I began to clean the mess I heard a voice speak loudly and clearly, “Why do you try to take control of situations?  Why don’t you wait for ME to finish MY job and then hand you what I’ve promised?  How many messes do you make because you stop having faith or being patient?”  As my tears began to pour from my eyes to my chin to the puddle of milk on the floor, I replied, “I got it, God.”

Isaiah 40:31 AMP  But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.

Throughout this last year, if you asked me to describe my state of mind, I could wrap it up in one word.  Despair.

From Dictionary.com:

de·spair

[dih-spair] noun  loss of hope; hopelessness. verb (used without object)to lose, give up, or be without hope (often followed by of ): to despair of humanity.

Obsolete . to give up hope of.
Synonyms
1.  gloom, disheartenment. Despair, desperation, despondency, discouragement, hopelessness  refer to a state of mind caused by circumstances that seem too much to cope with. Despair  suggests total loss of hope, which may be passive or may drive one to furious efforts, even if at random: in the depths of despair; courage born of despair. Desperation  is usually an active state, the abandonment of hope impelling to a furious struggle against adverse circumstances, with utter disregard of consequences: an act of desperation when everything else had failed. Despondency  is a state of deep gloom and disheartenment: a spell of despondency. Discouragement  is a loss of courage, hope, and ambition because of obstacles, frustrations, etc.: His optimism yielded to discouragement. Hopelessness  is a loss of hope so complete as to result in a more or less permanent state of passive despair: a state of hopelessness and apathy.

Antonyms
1.  hope.

I have allowed myself to experience the exact opposite of hope.  For the last couple of months I have chosen to put a magnifying glass over every little detail of my life that seems hopeless.  And you know where it’s gotten me?  No.Where.  Well, that’s not exactly true. Focusing on all the little aspects of my life that seem hopeless have made me bone-weary.  In all that weariness, I have found my way to days spent in bed or on the couch.  I’ve experienced a level of exhaustion that I don’t think I even knew existed.
Some of you know that I follow/belong to the Momastery.  If you aren’t already a part of our group, you should be.  Our fearless facilitator Glennon has a magical way of putting things into perspective and making you want to share your truth and give all the love you can muster.  After crying over the spilled milk and coming to terms with the revelation that I keep making messes out of situations because I don’t trust God to handle things, I sat my exhausted butt in a chair and read Glennon’s blogpost from today.   And I remembered.  I HAVE TO invite God into every single moment of my day.  In my moments of despair I need to be yelling, “COME IN! COME IN!”
Despair is the opposite of hope.  I want hope.  I choose hope.  I do not choose despair.  People (including me) love to quote Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.  Plans for good and not for disaster.  Plans to give you HOPE and a future.”  Here’s the problem with quoting that verse all by itself.  There’s more to it.  verses 12-13 In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.
Do you see it?  “In THOSE DAYS WHEN YOU PRAY, I will listen.”  “If you look for me WHOLEHEARTEDLY, you WILL find me.”  God wants to give me/you/we/us hope.  But He will never ever force it on us.  We have to ask.  We have to seek him wholeheartedly.  He knows when we’re doing it half-assed.  Half-assed isn’t good enough.  Half-assed faith does not bring about hope.
So here’s the deal.  The mess with my dear hubby’s work that began on December 3rd 2011, is still a mess.  In fact, due to him grabbing at the cup and not being still and waiting, it’s probably a bigger mess.  My health is a mess.  As I’ve wallowed in despair and lived out my half-assed faith for the last twelve months, I’ve completely neglected my body.  As a cancer survivor, I don’t have the luxury of neglecting my body.  I see alot of Philippians 4:13 in my future…. “I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH!”  I’ve lost my grandmother and her two sisters in the last six months.  All of my “Mamas” are gone.  I still have a wonderful step-Mom and mother-in-law, but the group of women who raised me and had a huge influence over the woman I am today, are all gone.  There is a HUGE void in my life.  Sofija has regressed.  Just at the point when we were ready to celebrate the fact that she had gone months without showing any aggression or wetting her bed or rocking at night or hurting herself, it ALL came back.  We’ve had several weeks of damn near hell with our baby girl.  She has marks all over her body again where she keeps hurting herself.  And guess what?  Instead of screaming out “Come in, God!”  “We need YOU, GOD!”  I’ve looked at the marks on her body as I’ve dried her after a bath, hung my head, and cried in despair.  I’ve picked her up from school, witnessed the disheveled state of her teachers, the marks on their arms and faces inflicted by my child, and I’ve hung my head and cried.  I’ve grown weary.  I’ve forgotten.
Thank you God, that today is a new day.  Thank you that your mercy and love and stability and faithfulness are new each morning.  Thank you for grace and thank you for helping us clean up the milk that we spill out of our own stubborn pride.  Thank you for promised strength.  Today I choose all these things.  I choose mercy and love and stability and faithfulness and grace and all the help you’re willing to give me.  I choose the antonym of despair.  I choose HOPE.
Amen.

an overdue lullabye ~ by Beck Gambill

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Today I learned of a woman who is in Serbia (right this minute) loving on “the least of these”.  If you know me, you know my heart for Serbia.  If you know my daughter, you know how desperately “Serbia’s least” need some lovin’.  Go read Beck’s post and pray for the precious lives she’s coming in contact with.  And while you’re at it (praying), pray for God to continue to build divine relationships, open doors, and provide resources, for those of us who are called to serve Serbia.  Thanks 🙂

being the ten percent

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Luke 17:11-20

New Living Translation (NLT)

Ten Healed of Leprosy

As Jesus continued on toward Jerusalem, he reached the border between Galilee and Samaria. As he entered a village there, ten lepers stood at a distance, crying out, “Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!”  He looked at them and said, “Go show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed of their leprosy.

One of them, when he saw that he was healed, came back to Jesus, shouting, “Praise God!” He fell to the ground at Jesus’ feet, thanking him for what he had done. This man was a Samaritan.  Jesus asked, “Didn’t I heal ten men? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?” And Jesus said to the man, “Stand up and go. Your faith has healed you.”

As I was cleaning house today I thought back to the first week of October 2011.  Just the thought of that week brought me to my knees.  It was a pain-filled week.  October 2011 was a pain-filled month.  November and December were just as difficult.  January through June of this year, the pain continued.
In the last twelve months our family has walked through a furnace.  Today, as I sit and think of how many prayers have been answered in the last few months and the peace and joy in our house this first week of October 2012, I am urged to be the 10%.  Today I want to be the one who returns to Jesus and gives glory to God for all He’s done in our lives.  Today I am thankful for twelve months gone.  Hard-lessons learned.  Destructive relationships exposed.  Divine relationships built.  Callings revealed.  Freedom gained.  Doors closed.  Doors opened.  Time given.  Continued health. Love. Grace.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

i see you

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I read a post today by a fellow special needs Mom that brought me to tears.  Sometimes life with a couple of stimmers can leave me feeling like I live in a parallel universe to all the Moms out there with typical kids.  Those Moms try to understand.  They give everything they’ve got to be supportive.  But they don’t always get it.  They don’t know what it’s like to wait ELEVEN YEARS for your child to be invited to a birthday party.  They don’t know what it’s like to have people (who you consider to be your dearest of friends) fail to invite you to parties for their children who are the same age as yours.  They don’t know what it’s like to get your entire family ready for a dinner party, only to turn back home as you reach your destination because you child is over-stimulated.  They don’t know what it’s like to have their typical kids cry over the fact that they “just wish they could have a normal brother or sister”.  They don’t know what it’s like to listen to other Moms brag about milestones while they slowly fall to pieces inside knowing that those bragging rights may never be their own.  They just don’t know what it’s like in that parallel universe.

But… that universe is not always such a bad place to be.  It’s filled with other Moms who do get it.  Other Moms who encourage one another from a place of total understanding.  While other Moms may sympathize, the Moms living in the special needs world can empathize.   They build each other up.  They’ve got your back.  And… they see you.  Click here to read Ellen Stumbo’s blog.

last call

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Matthew 6:25-27  25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

One year ago today, my dear hubby and I collapsed into a bed that belonged to friends who were out-of-town.  We cried ourselves to sleep that night.  We were homeless.  We had a place to lay our heads for a while (a while being until our friends returned home and needed their beds back).  We were grateful that we had a place to lay our heads.  But we knew that we would wake up the next morning and have the joy of checking that box on our kids’ school registration forms indicating that we were homeless.  The whole situation made zero sense. When we learned that the owners of the house we were leasing planned to move back into the house at the end of our lease, we started looking for a new home.  We found a few rentals that were leased before we had a chance to even see them.  We placed offers on a couple of houses and were outbid.  We found an itty-bitty house on a great big lot and decided that we would just add-on and make it into the home we wanted.  And then… the week before closing, we experienced an earthquake that revealed some structural issues.  Three days later, we had a hurricane that flooded the house and led to drywall being ripped out.  The day we were scheduled to close (while all of our things were being loaded onto a moving truck) we got a phone call from the seller telling us that they had found termites and that several of the floor joists would have to be replaced.  We got the message loud and clear.  We needed to waive off on buying that house.  Which meant we were waiving off on our only option.  For two weeks we scoured the internet, scratched our heads, and fell on our faces before God.  We had ZERO success in finding a home that would allow our kids to stay in their schools.  We were powerless and we had no choice but to be 100% surrendered to God’s will for our lives.

Jeremiah 29:11-13  11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.

God delivered in a BIG way.  He gave us a home that meets all of our needs (and then some).  He knew that we would need a refuge over the last twelve months and not a house that was under construction.  He knew the chaos that was coming.

Last December I got a phone call from DH (dear hubby) only an hour or so after he’d left for work.  He had been removed from his job and he was coming back home.  This chapter of our lives is still open-ended.  Three months later my grandmother became ill.  DH being home meant that I got to go and stay with her at the end of her life.  One month after losing my grandmother, God told us to leave our church.  So. Much. Loss.  In such a short time…

But you know what…  God had it all under control.  He had already provided a safe place for us to rest at the end of every bone-weary day.  He gave me the opportunity to give some hands-on love to the woman who taught me what unconditional love looks like.  He has spent nine months defining my husband as His son (which is worth so much more than being a soldier).  And… God showed us that His church is ONE.  He may have us worshiping in different locations on a Sunday morning and paying tithes to different storehouses, but His Church is global.  We are called to do life with other believers.  We are called to support and encourage one another.  Not just the believers we do church with on Sunday…  We’re called to do life with ALL believers.   So… while God had already prepared a new church body for our family, He showed us that there is no loss in that move.  Our Christian family just grew.

The house where we were laying our heads to rest a year ago belongs to a part of our Christian family.  The man of that house is from the Czech Republic.  Last week, they returned from a month in his country and within 24hours he became critically ill.  For nine days we have prayed for a miracle in this man’s life.  He ran a very high fever for a very long time and there was concern about the neurological repercussions.  Yesterday we celebrated him saying, “Ouch!” when tape was pulled off his leg.  Later in the day he asked for fruit and ate a strawberry (his first food in more than week).  This morning my husband returned from a night by his bedside.  He walked in the door smiling and telling me all about the conversations that they had in the early morning hours.

I share all of this as testament that God answers prayers.  Sometimes the answers may not look like we expect them to.  But He knows what we need better than we can even comprehend.

Yes.  The past year has been filled with unexpected, sometimes painful, and inevitably difficult, change.  But in the midst of all the change God was always faithful.

Philippians 4:18-19 18 At the moment I have all I need—and more! I am generously supplied with the gifts you sent me… They are a sweet-smelling sacrifice that is acceptable and pleasing to God. 19 And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. 

While God was teaching us all about his provision, He opened a door for us to pour into the nation that gave us Sofija.  We have spent the last two years claiming evangelism/revival in Serbia.  In two weeks, our prayers are being answered.  God is sending Nick Vujicic to Serbia.  We have poured our own finances into this opportunity because we believe that this is the answer to our prayers and because we want to sow into Serbia and watch God reap a harvest. Galatians 6:7 “… you will ALWAYS harvest what you sow.”

This is the last call.  I am sending the money to Serbia tonight.  If you feel led to sow, please go to wepay.

The entire time I’ve been typing this, I’ve had the song Closing Time by Semisonic running through my head.  It’s totally inappropriate for this post and has absolutely nothing to do with God’s provision.  But… since it’s now stuck in my head I thought I’d share.

For your listening enjoyment…

 

can’t take much more of your child(ren) with special needs

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I just read a blog post by my cyber-friend Gillian Marchenko on the misery joy of raising a child with special needs.  If you feel overwhelmed, you’re not alone!  If you feel guilty, stop!  If you feel ashamed, get over it!  This life is hard.  Hard.  Hard.  It is not intended to be done alone.  In Genesis 2:18 when God said, “It is not good for man to be alone…”  I don’t believe He was just talking about Adam.  In fact, the narcissist in me believes that what He actually meant to say was, “It is not good for Kaci (or any Mom to special needs kiddos) to be alone.” Loneliness=Isolation=Crazy Thoughts=Self-Destruction  Find help!  Find support!  Reach out to someone…. Even if it’s someone in the cyber-world.  Go HERE to read Gillian’s post.  It/she rocks!

ruh-roh

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I rather enjoy that the most quotable character from ScoobyDoo is the dog.  Daphne and Fred are just boring.  Velma makes you think, but for the most part she’s annoying and a little self-righteous.  Shaggy, well, he’s just that stoner kid from high school.  At 16 he made me laugh. At 41, I just pray my teenagers don’t bring home his real-life counterpart… or worse yet, become him.  Which leaves Scooby.  The goofy man-dog that empowered us all with the ability to say, “Ruh-roh” when we realize we’ve gotten ourselves into a sticky situation.

Galatians 1:10 Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.

Can you guess where this is going?  Let me give you another clue….

1 Thessalonians 2:4 For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts.

I’ve been facing my ruh-roh moment for quite a while.  I’ve acknowledged it, but I have to confess.  I have had no desire to do anything about it.  You see…  My name is Kaci and I’m an approval addict.  Specifically, I have a problem with seeking blog numbers.  Knowing that large numbers of people enjoy what I write is like a drug.  It wasn’t that way when I first started writing, but somewhere along the journey I started noticing all those numbers adding up and I started setting silly goals.  When the goals were reached I set even bigger goals.  I needed more of my drug.

About a year and a half ago I started feeling pretty strongly that I needed to move my blog to a private domain and place an ad-server on it.  It would be an easy way to make a little money for doing what I love to do.  Isn’t that the goal in life? “Find a way to get paid for doing what you love.”  Here’s the problem.  If I move my blog, I lose my stats.  I start at nothing.  The next step in feeding my approval addiction was to have 50,000 hits on my blog.
I’m SOOO close! I actually bought my domain a couple of months ago and told myself that as soon as I reached that magic number I would move and start all over.  And then, five days ago, Mary DeMuth (an amazing author), put this as her Facebook status:

“For those of us who fret about blog numbers:

It’s so hard with numbers and blog stats. They don’t truly measure impact, so feeling happy when they’re up and sad when they’re down is fruitless. You never know how your words will bless people. You could have a small number day, but someone might’ve been set free. You could have a large number day with no discernible impact. The best way to deal with it is to constantly lay the numbers into Jesus’ hands.”

Ummm, yeah.  Conviction accepted.

So, now I have a new goal.  By the end of August I need to move.  Prayers appreciated.

And now I have that stupid theme-song stuck in my head….

“…scooby dooby doo here are you
you’re ready and you’re willin’
if we can count on you scooby doo
i know we’ll catch that villain…”

still gathering stones…

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I wrote a post a while back about finding my “thing” in life.  Click here to read.  I am raising money to help cover the costs affiliated with Nick Vujicic traveling to Serbia at the end of September.  I am believing that the message he will bring to the nation that gave me my daughter will be one of true hope and change.  If you would like to contribute, please click here.

Be Blessed!

adoption is FOREVER!

On By kacinpoint3 Comments

In April of 2010, on the same day that we boarded a plane en route to Serbia to adopt our daughter, news broke of a woman in Tennessee putting her seven-year old adopted son on a plane (all by himself) and sending him back to Russia.  We got scared!

By the time we arrived in Serbia our email inboxes were filled with concern over all adoptions from that region of the world coming to a halt.  We got a little more scared.

After meeting with ministry officials and facing the issues surrounding our own adoption, we stopped being scared.  We got angry.  Righteously angry.  The Serbia officials involved with our adoption watched Sofija beat the crap out of us day after day after day.  And they asked, “Are you sure you want her to be your daughter?”  “Do you understand that you can’t send her back to Serbia?”  Some woman in Tennessee, that I had never heard of before, who I am quite certain spent years and thousands of dollars to adopt her son, had now created a roadblock for us in our efforts to bring our daughter home.  I don’t often feel contempt for someone I’ve never met.  This was an exception.

In the moments when I struggled with taking Sofija away from her foster family and all that she had ever known, I struggled because I knew the taking away would be FOREVER(for more on how hard those days were click here .  I knew that the moment we pointed our fingers back at ourselves and slowly spoke the words, “I’m Mama.” and “I’m Tata”, it was FOREVER.  We could not ask her to identify us as her parents until we were willing to accept her as our daughter.  Period.

Before we adopted Sofija, before I read dozens of books on adoption and subscribed to countless blogs on the subject, I had some basic understanding of what it meant to be adopted.

Romans 8:15 So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he ADOPTED you as his own children. Now we call him, “Father.”

Galatians 4:5 God sent him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that he could ADOPT us as his very own children.

I was adopted.  I have a biological mother and father, but I was adopted into God’s family.  Notice that there is no mention in those verses of a time limit on that adoption.  There are no  contractual clauses that give God an out if He gets sick of being my father.  Lord knows I’ve done PLENTY in this life to give him reason to send me back to wherever it is I came from.  But he doesn’t work that way.  He adopted me forever.

This past spring I participated in a Beth Moore Bible study on the book of James.  I missed out on several weeks while traveling to Louisiana to spend time with my grandmother at the end of her life and God loves me so much that our new church is offering it this summer.  So, I started it all over again last week.  James is a hard book. For about a decade it’s been my favorite book of the Bible, but it’s a hard one to digest.  James doesn’t pull any punches.  He says things like, “Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and not do it.”  and that we should “count it all joy when we are faced with trials of many kinds.”  Like I said. He doesn’t pull any punches.

So, there’s this one little verse in James that adoptive families use all the time and that the rest of the body of Christ (including most preachers) would rather just skip over.

James 1:27 Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.

I really struggle with anger towards Christians who pretend like that verse doesn’t exist.  We have a God-given mandate to look out for orphans.  And there’s more…

In Matthew 18:5 Jesus said, “And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.”  And… Matthew 25:40 And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these…. you were doing it to me!’  And a little further down the page…. Matthew 25:45 “And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these…. you were refusing to help me.’

Don’t know about you, but I read those and I go straight back to the words of James….

“Remember it is sin to know the good you ought to do, and not do it.”

Which brings me back to the lady from Tennessee who sent her son back to Russia.  He was her son.  She adopted him.  She did not just sign a contractual agreement with the government of Russia to take care of him.  She made a covenant agreement with God to adopt one of HIS children and to care for that child FOREVER… or til she dies, or Jesus comes back.

Tonight, as I was reading the news headlines, a story caught my eye.

“Judge upholds child support in Russian adoption.”

Apparently, some judge gets it.  He gets that the Tennessee lady (who now lives in California) made a covenant agreement to be a mother to “the least of these”.  And now, the lady will pay child support for the boy that she worked so hard to make her own, and then sent away.  Feel free to leave comments stating your opinion on the matter. 🙂

Aren’t you thankful that God always supports us?  Better yet, aren’t you glad that he never sends us away?!

Aren’t you thankful for a God who is….

Psalm 68:5-6 Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—
    this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
God places the lonely in families;
    he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

As for my own little former orphan… She is going to summer school.  Yesterday she came home with a note that said, “Today Sofija led THE WHOLE SCHOOL in the pledge.”  I have to be honest.  I had no clue that she even knew the pledge.  So I asked her to say it for me… 🙂 Yw2xQ9iMJ48