Fair warning: Life is hard and my heart is raw at the moment.

I’ve been through more than my share of trauma in this life. There were seasons when I thought the constant trauma would never end. One of those very long seasons led to divorce. I found myself hiding in the guest room and realizing that the fear of being alone was much smaller than the fear of living another day in the daily trauma I was experiencing. I did not want my children to think anything about the horrors they were witnessing was okay and I wanted them to be assured that it was okay to walk away from something that was destroying you, no matter how much of your life you’d given to it. So I said I was done. After being gone in every manner, but physical for several years, he physically left.

On the day that I knew it was over, my counselor gave me some warnings. She knew the history and she tried to prepare me that he would try to turn our kids against me and that he would do everything he could to leave me destitute. She knew.

I am a survivor. All that trauma made me extremely resilient. I am not destitute. My kids and my relationships with each of them is a mess.

The one thing I didn’t fully prepare myself for is how badly my kids would hurt when a new woman came into their lives. Nor was I prepared to be the one to catch the brunt of their pain. And I certainly wasn’t prepared with a proper response.

My not so little baby girl is hurting badly. She may be 18, but developmentally she’s 10. After trying to process a new person sleeping in her Tata’s bed, she started facetiming me and telling me she was going to run away from his house. She “doesn’t want a new Mama”. She’s been begging me for weeks to “go on a date with Tata” and I knew something was bothering her. Today it all came spilling out with multiple threats to run away. If you’ve followed for a while you know those threats are not to be taken lightly. Search and rescue has been deployed to find her nine times, in two states. Those were the times we called for help. She’s attempted to run away more times than I can count.

So I took today’s threats seriously and started trying to reach her Dad. Although court-ordered not to do so, he had my number blocked. I called my 22 year old who was at their house. Now he’s mad at me for putting him in the middle. In hindsight I probably should’ve just called the police and driven to his house. But I didn’t. I wasn’t prepared. I’m human and I’m a protective Mama.

I have refrained from sharing gory details of the last few years because they’re really ugly. But, I repeatedly have had others going through their own hell contact me and ask me how I’ve dealt with things. I wish I had some great wisdom to offer, but the truth is that I have failed repeatedly to do whatever it is that my kids need me to do and I’ve often reacted out of fear, anger, pain, or some other ugly emotion.

What I can offer to those walking through the destruction of their families is this…

Give yourself grace.

Do the best you can at any given moment.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Surround yourself with people that love you, believe in you, know your truth, and are willing to speak truth to you.

Take care of yourself.

Lean on God.

Know it’s okay on the days when you can’t take care of yourself. It’s really God’s job anyway.

Ask for help.

Let your kids know that you love them unconditionally. Even if they don’t see the truth, or lash out at you, or choose distance from you. Love them. You may be the only example they see of God the Father.

Again… Give yourself grace.

Ephesians 3:20  “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us”